Sat

01

Aug

2009

The Letter You Can't Refuse
Written by Pat Fortunato   
dreamstime_8408359.jpgWanna buy an apartment in New York? The good news is: prices are down and so are mortgage rates. The bad news is, you're going to need a letter of recommendation.

Here in the Big Apple, you not only have to plunk down an obscene amount of money for a space you'd laugh at if you didn't know better, you also have to get past the dreaded coop board. Basically, you have to prove that you're financially stable and are not a lunatic. Except in certain buildings on Fifth Avenue where you have to prove you're not Madonna and you are descended from the Mayflower. Not the hotel.

A coop board can refuse you for any reason, even if your finances are in order and you're not a rock star who shows up at the interview wearing leather, in August, and asks how many amps he can plug in without cutting off the electricty, which would plunge the building into total darkness, as if he cared.

The only safe question to ask, I have found, is which is the best Chinese takeout in the neighborhood. This will provoke a lively debate among the board members and will get the attention off you, no matter what your finances are, when your grandparents got off the boat, and what you're wearing. Yes, Chinese takeout is the ticket.

But even if you get through the interview with flying chopsticks, you still have to provide at least one letter of recommendation. When I was buying my first apartment, a friend wrote the following one for me. I didn't use it, for reasons that will become obvious, but I have saved it for all these years just for this moment . . .


Letter of Recommendation to the Coop Board for Pat Fortunato

20 October 1986

To Whom It May Very Well Concern:

I am a businessman. I run a little business, a little import, a little of some other things.It's a nice business. It supports a very big family, one of the biggest, maybe the biggest, now. People know me. People treat me with respect.

I am writing for Patrizia Fortunato. She says she wants to live in your building. I think that's a good idea. Patrizia is very close to me, she's like my own daughter, she's my goddaughter. She should be treated with respect. She's a good girl, not like some of these sluts these days that don't have respect for their families. She takes care of her mother and father, she goes to have Christmas with them. She's got her own business, a nice business. She doesn't make a lot of noise. She's neat. She's very clean. She's never been arrested. It will be good that she's in your building.

You've got a nice building. I know because I got people working there. A lot can happen in a building. A lot of things can go wrong. Things happen. I think Patrizia is very lucky because nothing ever happens in buildings where she lives.

I think you will like Patrizia living in your building. Why not sleep at night.

Respectfully,
M. "TF" Gazzaniga


Well, as I said, I never used the letter, which was probably the smartest thing I did that year, although I did send it to the Times for a special section on coop boards. They didn't use it either.

And I never found out what the "TF" stood for.letter_doorman.jpg
Maybe my doorman knows. Doormen know everything.

 Do YOU have any ideas?
Any ideas I can print?

 

 

 
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Comments  

 
0 # Catherine Menichino 2009-08-03 05:31
That was hysterical! I think you made the correct choice in skipping that one. Boards these days are especially picky ;-)
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0 # Diana 2009-08-03 07:07
The only one you could print would be THINK FIRST. I would have sent the letter, you never know. There could have been an Italian on the Mayflower (the boat not the Hotel) working in the kitchen.
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0 # Roux58 2009-08-03 09:46
Marvelous!
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0 # BLITZ 2009-08-04 05:48
Whoever wrote this created something priceless. I think my favorite part is that they will be so much
happier (and undestroyed) with you living in their building.
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0 # THE GUYS 2009-10-16 03:09
That is FUNNY!

Reminds us of last night's episode from "THE OFFICE."

Glad you kept it all these years.
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0 # Pat 2009-10-16 03:36
Thanks, Guys: We all keep little mementoes of our old loves . . . This one was definitely a keeper, even if he wasn't!
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0 # bluzdude 2009-10-16 05:53
That letter was inspired! I probably wouldn't have sent it in either, but it would have about killed me not to. I'd probably show it to the board AFTER I was approved. And moved in. For 10 years.
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0 # Pat 2009-10-16 09:01
Hi, BluzDude: I could send that letter (yes, it was inspired!) to the board now and see if they have a sense of humor. On the other hand, maybe they'll show me more respect!
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Bitter Patter

Friday the 13th 
Came and went.

I bought a lottery ticket 
And didn't win.  

Reread
 
THE 13th FLOOR
To remind myself how lucky I am.

WENT FISHING!

Well, eating fish anyway.
And swimming, although not with the fishes in the Uncle Nunzio sense.

Back from the Caribbean. 
But don't be TOO jealous:

My tan has already faded. 
Besdies, before we left, I had to go through 

THE ELEVEN STAGES OF PACKING
Which is not for sissies.

Just got a call from 
(Gasp!) the dental hygienist. 
Hasn't she read:

A DEVOUT COWARD 
GOES TO THE DENTIST

Do NOT Google Santorum.
I warned you . . .

 Just as I posted I WAS THE GIRL PHANTOM, I found a website called The Ghost Who Blogs about The Phantom comics:

http://falkonthewildside.blogspot.com

Writing Comics. . .
Was a small but wonderful part of my checkered career, and doing a post about it  brought back a lot of great memories. If you know any other women in NYC who wrote — or are writing — comics, tell me how to get in touch with them. 

I'm on a watching-old-movies kick these days.
Great way to lose yourself.
If you're lucky, you'll never be found. 

REVIEWS TO PERUSE

I'm All Right, Jack:
"Jack" is not just all right, it's totally delightful and fresh as a daisy after all these years (made in 1959), with Sellers, although not technically the lead, giving the brilliant performance that launched him as an international star. He plays an all-too-zealous union leader and father of a blonde bombshell who falls for Stanley, the British Upper Class Twit played, also to perfection, by Ian Carmichael, who you might remember from the Lord Peter Wimsey series. The makeout scenes between the the Twit and the Bombshell are priceless. But what is Stanley doing in this working class atmosphere anyway? Working. And too well at that. Forced by financial circumstances too dreary to discuss, he gets a job in his uncle's factory and messes things up for the other workers by, well, working, and thus making his fellow employees look bad. The film takes a big shot at unions — but also at management: they are manipulating white-collar thieves who'll do anything for a buck. Or a pound. Except for the ones, like Major Hitchcock, played by Terry Thomas, who are just plain lazy and inept. Needless to say, Stanley foils everybody's plans, labor and management alike, to my great joy and delight. Oh, and on top of everything else, Margaret Rutherford plays dotty dowager Aunt Dolly. Delicious!

 The Big Lebowski:
What can you say that hasn't been said before: brilliant, inspired, with some of the most memorable lines ever to come out of a movie, the most quoted being "The Dude abides." Oh yes. For anyone who hasn't yet seen the film, and it's now out in a special Blu-Ray edition if that floats your bowling ball. The Dude in question,  played to perfection by Jeff Bridges, is an out-of-work pothead who is roughed up and has his rug destroyed by some thugs mistaking him for another, bigger, Lebowski. The Dude is really upset about this because, man, "that rug really tied the room together," which The Dude says with all seriousness and not a trace of irony, a great comic touch considering the condition his condition is in.  Oh, and besides "Just Dropped In," all the music is perfect for the film. The plot, according to Wikipedia, which has been known to be wrong, is "loosely based on Raymond chandler's novel, The Big Sleep." Could be. But who cares. It involves a bowling competition, "the occasional acid flashback," a trophy wife, a group of German nihilists, a kidnapping gone awry, a mad millionaire and his lackey, in another great performance by Philip Seymour Hoffman. Actually, they're all great performances. Never a fan of John Goodman before or since, he is brilliant in this film. And so are John Turturro, overacting his little heart out, Steve Buscemi in a nerdy, needy role that makes you marvel at his star turn in Boardwalk Empire, and even the actors in the smaller parts, especially Julianne Moore and Sam Elliott. Elliott plays The Stranger (God? Everyman? The part of us that roots for the bad boy?) who elicits from Bridges the immortal words, "The Dude abides." Which prompts The Stranger to comment to the audience: "Don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals." We'll never know about the bowling trophy because there's never been a sequel to this 1998 film by the great Coen Brothers, and I hope there never will be. It just abides, as all great films do.

Prince of the City:
Okay, the criticisms of this movie are not totally unfounded: it's too long, and Treat Williams may have overacted a bit, although I found him so deliciously charming I couldn't care less, and there's one part concerning the Jerry Orbach character I just didn't understand. But get over it, The New Yorker, this is one powerful movie. And yes, Dog Day Afternoon it isn't, but what it? The DVD has a great special feature with Williams (I so want to call him Treat) and Sidney (what the hell: I once made a meatloaf sandwich for the man) that explains a lot about filmmaking in general and this movie in particular. Also, Sidney's views on good and evil, and how things are not so black and white as you think. I loved it.

Bad Day At Black Rock:
Recommended on TCM by Robert Osbourne as a film he originally had no interest in seeing, then loved it, and by Alex Baldwin, who pointed out the great actors in the cast, including Lee Marvin, Ernest Brognine and Dean Jagger. Well, after all that, I had to like it, right?  I did. A lot. It was a Good Day On My Couch.
Behind the Scenes Stuff: Spencer Tracey was off drinking and wouldn't commit to the film until the producers (who wanted him desperately) told him that they had Alan Ladd, at which point Tracey grabbed it.  He was perfect for the part, wearing a dark suit and tie the entire time in a western setting,  pulling it off perfectly. Other than that "fashion statement," the film makes a strong case against racism: the hatred of the Japanese during WW2. See it.

Song of The Thin Man:
I usually like these frothy, silly, suave, utter unrealistic films from the 30s and 40s, with William Powell and Myrna Loy as the couple we'd all like to be — if only we had the looks, brains, money, a huge capacity for drinking and a dog like Asta. But this one was a stinker, rather than a stinger, or maybe a sinker, because  it turned out to be the last, not to mention the least, in the series. Watch any of the others four sequels, but not this one: Even the pooch jumped the shark.

The Children's Hour:
It had its moments, and just looking at Audrey Hepburn makes life worth living, but mostly I kept thinking that the play, by Lillian Hellman, was so much better. It's about two young women runing a school for girls, who are accused by a hateful little brat of being (GASP!) lesbians. And although the closest we get in this 1961 production to using that actual term is the word "unnatural," it's enough to ruin their lives.  A young Shirley McClaine is worth seeing in this, and James Garner, and Audrey Hepburn is, well, Audrey Hepburn. The rumor of the love that dare not speak its name is totally untrue — or is it? And I'll say no more, because you should see the movie for yourself, imperfect as it may be, as is Life Itself.

Because when I am not blogging, I sometimes cook,
and because woman does not live
by martinis alone,
I like this blog:

grapesandgreens.blogspot.com

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