Fri

28

Aug

2009

Urgant! Read My Blog!
Written by Pat Fortunato   
dreamstime_27156.jpgAnd if possible, send money.

You think it's easy being a blogger?

Even when people love your posts, they almost never send money.

There's just so damn much competition out there. And some of it is good!

Besides the other 50 million blogs, and all the funny e-mails, there are those wonderful letters where someone offers you $1.5 million if you will only pay the taxes, the lawyer's fee, and his ticket to Tahiti, plus give him all your personal information, including your blood type and your social security number.

Wikipedia has a name for all this: the advance-fee scam, AKA: THE NIGERIAN LETTER.

Here's an excerpt from one of these letters that I received from a real prince of a guy:

It starts this way:
URGANT REPLY TO MY SECRETARY. . .

And then continues, in all its ungrammatical glory:

"Dear friend,
I am very happy to inform you about my success in getting that fund transferred, under the cooperation of a new partner from Paraguay, Now I want you to contact my secretary ask him for($1.5m US DOLARS) which I kept for you as a compensation, feel free to contact he."


It gives an e-mail address and phone number, which I'll gladly provide to anyone who wants it, for the discount price of only 1.2 million, and then you too can contact "he."

He, AKA "The Prince," wants you to provide him with all kinds of personal information, and warns:

If you did not send him the "above information complete," he will not release the cheque to you because he has to be sure that it is you, adding:

"Note: also that I will not be reached by email or phone at this moment because I am currently in Paraguay for investment trip with my own share.

Regards,
Mr. Johnson mayor"

Okay, Mr. Johnson. Mr. mayor with a lower case "m"? Mr. Johnson-mayor? Your Highness?
Maybe I'm just getting forgetful, but WHAT FUND? WHAT TRANSFER? AND WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

For straight-out chutzpah and heartwarming friendliness, I prefer the email from these people:

BARRISTER ADEBOYA WILLIAMS & CO CHAMBERS
LEGAL PRACTITIONERS & SOLICITOR, CO-OPERATE CONSULTANT

Because even though it has that whole official title going, it addresses me like this:

"Hello, Dear,

How are you today, coupled with your health? Hope all is well with you. I pray that this email reaches you in the best of health, I present my best wishes to you and your family with blessings, goodness and mercies"

Then it puts any fears I might have completely to rest:

"Do not worry on how I got your email address got it from an email marketing firm on the internet."

Oh good! I thought this might be a scam or something. Coupled with my health.

And now, it gets to the point:

"In a brief introduction am Barrister Adebayo Williams (Esq.) The personal attorney to late Engineer Steve, an American from Ogden, Uttah,(Utah) USA who worked with shell Development company in Nigeria. On April 21,2004,my client, his wife, and their three Children were involved in a car accident along Shagamu expressway. All Occupants of the vehicle unfortunately lost their lives.

Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over Two years now, hence I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin of the deceased so that the proceeds of this account valued at $10.5Million US Dollars) can be paid to you."

Wow, how did I get so lucky? And it gets better:

"And then you and I in sharing the ratio, I suggest should be as follows: 60% for me and 40% to you. As an attorney I will revalidate and notarize all the necessary legal documents that will be used to back you up in thisclaim. All I require is your honesty and maximum co-operations to enable us see this deal through."

I'm honest, I promise! Who wouldn't pretend to be next of kin for that kind of money? It's what we call "a little white lie," which is NOT intended as any kind of racial slur, I assure you. And hey, 60/40 is more than fair!

"I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement
that will protect you from any breach of the law. As soon as you receive the fund I will be coming over to your country for the due share as I stated above. Provide the below information to enable me file in an application of claim."

Not so fast, Barrister Bill!
The thing is, I happen to have known Engineer Steve, and he only had 2 Children, not 3. Gotcha! And you really had me going for a while there.

If you don't reply to these letters, they keep upping the ante . . .

The latest urgent offer to make me rich is from:
Mr. Abdoul Kader,The Director gerneral of Group Banking of African BOA
Ouagadouguo Burkina-Faso West Africa

Again, I'd be happy to supply the e-mail address, for a price. This guy is so honest he wants ME to come up with the percentage of the $17.3 million in question, and asks "sincerely" if he can trust me to keep this all confidential.

Sorry, Abdoul, but this was too good not to share with my readers. But hey, maybe one of them will take you up on your offer. Although it sounds too good to be true, you did spell URGENT correctly . . .


Okay, readers, can you tell us about any of these letters you get?
They really are . . . priceless.

 

 

 

 
This is a threaded commenting system. click [Reply to this comment] for your comment to be underneath the comment you're replying to.

Comments  

 
0 # Giuseppe Pucci 2009-08-30 10:20
PAt, my jaw and all my facial muscles still hurt me out of endless laughing !! I think that only an individual who has undergone to a lobotomy and whose I.Q. is below 50 would even take these email seriously... I wonder why these criminals from Africa did not realize yet how ridiculous they are and how less than a chance to hook someone up they have! whatever... Well, at least they succeeded in entertaining us with this stuff worth a Jay Leno or Colbert Report show, to say the least !!!
Reply | Reply with quote | Quote
 
 
0 # Pat 2009-08-30 12:22
The scary thing is that these letters must be working, or these people wouldn't keep sending them!
Reply | Reply with quote | Quote
 
 
0 # Ruth 2009-09-01 05:35
You certainly made this ghastly scam an amusing read!
Reply | Reply with quote | Quote
 
 
0 # Patty 2009-09-01 11:09
AAARRRFFF!!!! AAOOOOFFFFFK!!! ! Even my dogs can't tolerate these "extremely desirable" notifications announcing our good fortune. As I write, I have one on my laptop that I can't even delete. It keeps telling me to shut down my computer. Are the donkeys becoming even smarter than the dogs?!?!?!? I WANT THESE IDIOTS TO STOP WASTING MY TIME AND GO AWAY!

aN PLEESE BE GOOUD MY DEAR SIR ABOUT HEEEDING MY COMMAND ON DIS VERY IMPOTENT SUBJECT.
Reply | Reply with quote | Quote
 
 
0 # Pat 2009-09-07 14:20
Dear Beloved One. . . so begins the latest letter that wants to make me rich, this time from a nice lady in Cape Verde, dying of a terrible disease, whose dear departed husband deposited $5 million in a bank account for her, has no children and wants to leave this all to me provided I will promise to donate 80% to charity. Gee, that leaves a cool million ? IF I act immediately, since she warns that "any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing another good person, for this same purpose." What happens if you actually answer these things? Do they send more instructions? And how come these people don't get caught -?or do they???
Reply | Reply with quote | Quote
 

Add comment

Notify me of follow-up comments

Blog Roll

Comments

My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!

Bitter Patter

NO LAUGHING MATTER:

Did Demi Moore overdose
on laughing gas?? 
That's what's being reported
to those of us at:

A DEVOUT COWARD 
GOES TO THE DENTIST

Have you seen The Artist? Seeing it mentioned at
The Golden Globes reminded me that that not ALL movies are 
Incredibly Loud! 

Do NOT Google Santorum.
I warned you . . .

 I did it!
I actually got that 

LITTLE BLACK DRESS!

How hard was it?
Click on the link above
.

I also got my iPhone.
It's great.
Thank you Steve Jobs
Wherever you are.

  Just as I posted I WAS THE GIRL PHANTOM, I found a website called The Ghost Who Blogs about The Phantom comics:

http://falkonthewildside.blogspot.com

Writing Comics. . .
Was a small but wonderful part of my checkered career, and doing a post about it  brought back a lot of great memories. If you know any other women in NYC who wrote — or are writing — comics, tell me how to get in touch with them. 

I'm on a watching-old-movies kick these days.
Great way to lose yourself.
If you're lucky, you'll never be found. 

REVIEWS TO PERUSE

I'm All Right, Jack:
"Jack" is not just all right, it's totally delightful and fresh as a daisy after all these years (made in 1959), with Sellers, although not technically the lead, giving the brilliant performance that launched him as an international star. He plays an all-too-zealous union leader and father of a blonde bombshell who falls for Stanley, the British Upper Class Twit played, also to perfection, by Ian Carmichael, who you might remember from the Lord Peter Wimsey series. The makeout scenes between the the Twit and the Bombshell are priceless. But what is Stanley doing in this working class atmosphere anyway? Working. And too well at that. Forced by financial circumstances too dreary to discuss, he gets a job in his uncle's factory and messes things up for the other workers by, well, working, and thus making his fellow employees look bad. The film takes a big shot at unions — but also at management: they are manipulating white-collar thieves who'll do anything for a buck. Or a pound. Except for the ones, like Major Hitchcock, played by Terry Thomas, who are just plain lazy and inept. Needless to say, Stanley foils everybody's plans, labor and management alike, to my great joy and delight. Oh, and on top of everything else, Margaret Rutherford plays dotty dowager Aunt Dolly. Delicious!

 The Big Lebowski:
What can you say that hasn't been said before: brilliant, inspired, with some of the most memorable lines ever to come out of a movie, the most quoted being "The Dude abides." Oh yes. For anyone who hasn't yet seen the film, and it's now out in a special Blu-Ray edition if that floats your bowling ball. The Dude in question,  played to perfection by Jeff Bridges, is an out-of-work pothead who is roughed up and has his rug destroyed by some thugs mistaking him for another, bigger, Lebowski. The Dude is really upset about this because, man, "that rug really tied the room together," which The Dude says with all seriousness and not a trace of irony, a great comic touch considering the condition his condition is in.  Oh, and besides "Just Dropped In," all the music is perfect for the film. The plot, according to Wikipedia, which has been known to be wrong, is "loosely based on Raymond chandler's novel, The Big Sleep." Could be. But who cares. It involves a bowling competition, "the occasional acid flashback," a trophy wife, a group of German nihilists, a kidnapping gone awry, a mad millionaire and his lackey, in another great performance by Philip Seymour Hoffman. Actually, they're all great performances. Never a fan of John Goodman before or since, he is brilliant in this film. And so are John Turturro, overacting his little heart out, Steve Buscemi in a nerdy, needy role that makes you marvel at his star turn in Boardwalk Empire, and even the actors in the smaller parts, especially Julianne Moore and Sam Elliott. Elliott plays The Stranger (God? Everyman? The part of us that roots for the bad boy?) who elicits from Bridges the immortal words, "The Dude abides." Which prompts The Stranger to comment to the audience: "Don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals." We'll never know about the bowling trophy because there's never been a sequel to this 1998 film by the great Coen Brothers, and I hope there never will be. It just abides, as all great films do.

Prince of the City:
Okay, the criticisms of this movie are not totally unfounded: it's too long, and Treat Williams may have overacted a bit, although I found him so deliciously charming I couldn't care less, and there's one part concerning the Jerry Orbach character I just didn't understand. But get over it, The New Yorker, this is one powerful movie. And yes, Dog Day Afternoon it isn't, but what it? The DVD has a great special feature with Williams (I so want to call him Treat) and Sidney (what the hell: I once made a meatloaf sandwich for the man) that explains a lot about filmmaking in general and this movie in particular. Also, Sidney's views on good and evil, and how things are not so black and white as you think. I loved it.

Bad Day At Black Rock:
Recommended on TCM by Robert Osbourne as a film he originally had no interest in seeing, then loved it, and by Alex Baldwin, who pointed out the great actors in the cast, including Lee Marvin, Ernest Brognine and Dean Jagger. Well, after all that, I had to like it, right?  I did. A lot. It was a Good Day On My Couch.
Behind the Scenes Stuff: Spencer Tracey was off drinking and wouldn't commit to the film until the producers (who wanted him desperately) told him that they had Alan Ladd, at which point Tracey grabbed it.  He was perfect for the part, wearing a dark suit and tie the entire time in a western setting,  pulling it off perfectly. Other than that "fashion statement," the film makes a strong case against racism: the hatred of the Japanese during WW2. See it.

Song of The Thin Man:
I usually like these frothy, silly, suave, utter unrealistic films from the 30s and 40s, with William Powell and Myrna Loy as the couple we'd all like to be — if only we had the looks, brains, money, a huge capacity for drinking and a dog like Asta. But this one was a stinker, rather than a stinger, or maybe a sinker, because  it turned out to be the last, not to mention the least, in the series. Watch any of the others four sequels, but not this one: Even the pooch jumped the shark.

The Children's Hour:
It had its moments, and just looking at Audrey Hepburn makes life worth living, but mostly I kept thinking that the play, by Lillian Hellman, was so much better. It's about two young women runing a school for girls, who are accused by a hateful little brat of being (GASP!) lesbians. And although the closest we get in this 1961 production to using that actual term is the word "unnatural," it's enough to ruin their lives.  A young Shirley McClaine is worth seeing in this, and James Garner, and Audrey Hepburn is, well, Audrey Hepburn. The rumor of the love that dare not speak its name is totally untrue — or is it? And I'll say no more, because you should see the movie for yourself, imperfect as it may be, as is Life Itself.

Because when I am not blogging, I sometimes cook,
and because woman does not live
by martinis alone,
I like this blog:

grapesandgreens.blogspot.com

To comment on
BITTER PATTER
Click on:
Welcome To My Blog


Scroll down to
PAT'S FAVORITES
for a blast
from the past.
rssfeedV2