Sun

06

Dec

2009

I'm Not Ready For Christmas
Written by Pat Fortunato   
istock_000007311878xsmall.jpgIt's December 7 as I post this, but I can safely say that whenever you read it, I'm still not ready.

Wasn't it just summer when I was worrying about buying a bathing suit?

Wasn't it just Halloween and I was passing out packets of hyperactivity-producing goodies to cute little gremlins who seemed shocked when asked whether they wanted a trick or a treat? And then there was that Halloween party at the National Arts Club. (Hate Fall, Love Halloween ) Maybe having too much fun can actually alter your sense of time, make it fly or something.

But come on, aren't we pushing this holiday thing earlier every year?

I got announcements for the Christmas Show at Radio City in May. The Holiday Fund in my building is already closed. The tree-lighting ceremony at Rockefeller Center is over. We're still eating turkey sandwiches  — but quick! Throw out the pumpkins and get out the poinsettias. Before they're sold out!

Too bad I can't just decorate my apartment with all those colorful catalogs that clutter my mailbox, most of them from stores I will never, ever order from, in this or any other season. Hello! I'm five foot two and a female: stop sending me stuff from Big and Tall Men's Sportswear.

What really gets to me is the "Last Minute Shopping Suggestions" that I got  — in October. Last minute! These people don't know from last minute . . .

One year long ago when the world was new and I didn't have so many obligations, I waited until December 24 (0 Shopping Dates Left to Christmas), went to B. Altmans (remember B. Altmans? So civilized) and bought something in red for everyone on my list: a red scarf, a red tie, red gloves, red slippers, a red address book.

It worked. These presents were just as well received as the ones I had agonized over in previous years (some worked, some didn't), and it made a real statement when they were opened.

I wouldn't dare wait so long now — or be so spontaneous. I'll be busy cooking a big Italian dinner for my family on Christmas Eve. Besides, everyone has enough scarves, ties, gloves, slippers and address books — in red and every other color — to last a lifetime. You not only have to shop early and often, you have to be creative. I've got dozens of gifts to get, and no brilliant ideas. dreamstime_3394493.jpg

And is it just me, but don't some of the Santas look a little funky this year?

Whatever. (Christmas) Time waits for no man — not even a woman around town, I am sad to say. So, no matter how cranky I could be if I wanted to . . . I am determined to be of good cheer.

Look on the bright side. It's too early to start looking for a bathing suit. But if you want to remember real trauma, check that out in With A Thong In My Heart. It will make all your worries about the holidays dissolve like the New Year's Resolutions you will never keep. You wanted to be naughty, anyway. Ho, ho, ho.

 

 

 

 

 

 
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0 # A Princess 2009-12-08 12:21
Yes, the Santas are looking more funky than usual. And nobody is ready for Christmas!
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0 # Diana 2009-12-11 03:13
Oh Chief
What is this? Funky Santas, gifts to buy, relatives to feed--get with it. It's the season to be merry! You will look back longingly in January and February when no one feels like celebrating anything except if you can afford a trip to the Caribbean.
So, put up that tree, shop for those special gifts, make that antipasto and laugh at cab driver's bad humor and say Bah Humbug to 4th of July this year.
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0 # Pat 2009-12-11 03:22
Alright already, I'll be merry! Will you settle for a couple of well-placed Ho, Ho, Ho's?
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0 # Diana 2009-12-11 04:24
Careful, Tiger might still be lurking around.
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0 # lisleman 2009-12-11 10:46
You need to have your favorite music playing in the background while you shop online. Thanks for the blog visit.
Your post made me wonder what would happen if people had to schedule when to have Christmas or the other holidays. Some would never get around to having them.
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0 # Pat 2009-12-11 13:24
Yes, Lisleman, music helps. My favorite album is An Oscar Peterson Christmas (very mellow), and then your recommendation, Christmas Songs by Diana Krall (pretty mellow herself). A martini doesn't hurt either.
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0 # mercy 2009-12-14 05:15
:o I love the xmas music and the tree decorations. But I hate the shopping so I do it on line.
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0 # Lou 2009-12-19 10:11
I'll be ready as soon as you make the eggnog. . .
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0 # LG 2010-01-04 08:34
Are you ready for Valentine's Day?
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Bitter Patter

Friday the 13th 
Came and went.

I bought a lottery ticket 
And didn't win.  

Reread
 
THE 13th FLOOR
To remind myself how lucky I am.

WENT FISHING!

Well, eating fish anyway.
And swimming, although not with the fishes in the Uncle Nunzio sense.

Back from the Caribbean. 
But don't be TOO jealous:

My tan has already faded. 
Besdies, before we left, I had to go through 

THE ELEVEN STAGES OF PACKING
Which is not for sissies.

Just got a call from 
(Gasp!) the dental hygienist. 
Hasn't she read:

A DEVOUT COWARD 
GOES TO THE DENTIST

Do NOT Google Santorum.
I warned you . . .

 Just as I posted I WAS THE GIRL PHANTOM, I found a website called The Ghost Who Blogs about The Phantom comics:

http://falkonthewildside.blogspot.com

Writing Comics. . .
Was a small but wonderful part of my checkered career, and doing a post about it  brought back a lot of great memories. If you know any other women in NYC who wrote — or are writing — comics, tell me how to get in touch with them. 

I'm on a watching-old-movies kick these days.
Great way to lose yourself.
If you're lucky, you'll never be found. 

REVIEWS TO PERUSE

I'm All Right, Jack:
"Jack" is not just all right, it's totally delightful and fresh as a daisy after all these years (made in 1959), with Sellers, although not technically the lead, giving the brilliant performance that launched him as an international star. He plays an all-too-zealous union leader and father of a blonde bombshell who falls for Stanley, the British Upper Class Twit played, also to perfection, by Ian Carmichael, who you might remember from the Lord Peter Wimsey series. The makeout scenes between the the Twit and the Bombshell are priceless. But what is Stanley doing in this working class atmosphere anyway? Working. And too well at that. Forced by financial circumstances too dreary to discuss, he gets a job in his uncle's factory and messes things up for the other workers by, well, working, and thus making his fellow employees look bad. The film takes a big shot at unions — but also at management: they are manipulating white-collar thieves who'll do anything for a buck. Or a pound. Except for the ones, like Major Hitchcock, played by Terry Thomas, who are just plain lazy and inept. Needless to say, Stanley foils everybody's plans, labor and management alike, to my great joy and delight. Oh, and on top of everything else, Margaret Rutherford plays dotty dowager Aunt Dolly. Delicious!

 The Big Lebowski:
What can you say that hasn't been said before: brilliant, inspired, with some of the most memorable lines ever to come out of a movie, the most quoted being "The Dude abides." Oh yes. For anyone who hasn't yet seen the film, and it's now out in a special Blu-Ray edition if that floats your bowling ball. The Dude in question,  played to perfection by Jeff Bridges, is an out-of-work pothead who is roughed up and has his rug destroyed by some thugs mistaking him for another, bigger, Lebowski. The Dude is really upset about this because, man, "that rug really tied the room together," which The Dude says with all seriousness and not a trace of irony, a great comic touch considering the condition his condition is in.  Oh, and besides "Just Dropped In," all the music is perfect for the film. The plot, according to Wikipedia, which has been known to be wrong, is "loosely based on Raymond chandler's novel, The Big Sleep." Could be. But who cares. It involves a bowling competition, "the occasional acid flashback," a trophy wife, a group of German nihilists, a kidnapping gone awry, a mad millionaire and his lackey, in another great performance by Philip Seymour Hoffman. Actually, they're all great performances. Never a fan of John Goodman before or since, he is brilliant in this film. And so are John Turturro, overacting his little heart out, Steve Buscemi in a nerdy, needy role that makes you marvel at his star turn in Boardwalk Empire, and even the actors in the smaller parts, especially Julianne Moore and Sam Elliott. Elliott plays The Stranger (God? Everyman? The part of us that roots for the bad boy?) who elicits from Bridges the immortal words, "The Dude abides." Which prompts The Stranger to comment to the audience: "Don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals." We'll never know about the bowling trophy because there's never been a sequel to this 1998 film by the great Coen Brothers, and I hope there never will be. It just abides, as all great films do.

Prince of the City:
Okay, the criticisms of this movie are not totally unfounded: it's too long, and Treat Williams may have overacted a bit, although I found him so deliciously charming I couldn't care less, and there's one part concerning the Jerry Orbach character I just didn't understand. But get over it, The New Yorker, this is one powerful movie. And yes, Dog Day Afternoon it isn't, but what it? The DVD has a great special feature with Williams (I so want to call him Treat) and Sidney (what the hell: I once made a meatloaf sandwich for the man) that explains a lot about filmmaking in general and this movie in particular. Also, Sidney's views on good and evil, and how things are not so black and white as you think. I loved it.

Bad Day At Black Rock:
Recommended on TCM by Robert Osbourne as a film he originally had no interest in seeing, then loved it, and by Alex Baldwin, who pointed out the great actors in the cast, including Lee Marvin, Ernest Brognine and Dean Jagger. Well, after all that, I had to like it, right?  I did. A lot. It was a Good Day On My Couch.
Behind the Scenes Stuff: Spencer Tracey was off drinking and wouldn't commit to the film until the producers (who wanted him desperately) told him that they had Alan Ladd, at which point Tracey grabbed it.  He was perfect for the part, wearing a dark suit and tie the entire time in a western setting,  pulling it off perfectly. Other than that "fashion statement," the film makes a strong case against racism: the hatred of the Japanese during WW2. See it.

Song of The Thin Man:
I usually like these frothy, silly, suave, utter unrealistic films from the 30s and 40s, with William Powell and Myrna Loy as the couple we'd all like to be — if only we had the looks, brains, money, a huge capacity for drinking and a dog like Asta. But this one was a stinker, rather than a stinger, or maybe a sinker, because  it turned out to be the last, not to mention the least, in the series. Watch any of the others four sequels, but not this one: Even the pooch jumped the shark.

The Children's Hour:
It had its moments, and just looking at Audrey Hepburn makes life worth living, but mostly I kept thinking that the play, by Lillian Hellman, was so much better. It's about two young women runing a school for girls, who are accused by a hateful little brat of being (GASP!) lesbians. And although the closest we get in this 1961 production to using that actual term is the word "unnatural," it's enough to ruin their lives.  A young Shirley McClaine is worth seeing in this, and James Garner, and Audrey Hepburn is, well, Audrey Hepburn. The rumor of the love that dare not speak its name is totally untrue — or is it? And I'll say no more, because you should see the movie for yourself, imperfect as it may be, as is Life Itself.

Because when I am not blogging, I sometimes cook,
and because woman does not live
by martinis alone,
I like this blog:

grapesandgreens.blogspot.com

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