Mon 27 Jul 2009 |
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What do women want? Love? Sure. Money? Of course. Cosmetics? Now you're talking! Rita Rudner nails it in her very funny routine about those “free gifts” — you know the ones, where you buy something you don’t need to get a bunch of things you don’t want. It's twue, so twue. I can rationalize falling for this a few summers ago because I was recovering from surgery, and hey, a girl needs a "free gift” at a time like that. As we know, I can rationalize anything, but honestly, that ad was too enticing. The cutest little cosmetic case in pink and white checks filled with goodies like summer blush (I needed that: It was summer! I was pale!) plus various and sundry beauty aids with intriguing names promising miraculous results. We do so live in hope. My grandmother believed that all the dishwashing liquids, shampoos, and just about any product in a bottle, were all exactly the same thing in different colors with different names. I do wonder myself about New Dawn Dishwashing Liquid versus Herbal Essence Shampoo (they’re even the same color), and I am totally baffled by all those skin creams. Do I really need a different moisturizer for my eyes, my throat, my t-zone, the rest of my face? For summer, winter, spring, or summer, night or day? Light, extra light, rich, super rich, fabulously firming, with aloe, lanolin, collagen, gentian, pearl drops of moisture, invigorating enzymes, hydrating hormones and unspecified ingredients that revitalize, rejuvenate, relax, and restore? And yet. I love those little kits with the goodies . . . So I cut out the ad from Macy's in The New York Times and called the toll-free number. But after three or four attempts to place my order, involving several of those delightful telephone trees, I was told that no one there knew anything about the ad, and was advised to call Macy's in New York. I should have scrapped the project at that point, but I had a little time on my hands, and recuperating can be kind of grim, and damn it, I wanted that little pink cosmetic case. So I called Macy's. And called Macy's. And left messages. And dealt with trees. And spoke to half a dozen women, some with names I couldn't pronounce, and one whose name, left on my answering machine, I couldn't begin to decipher. She was calling to tell me that my credit card wasn't going through. I knew the card was okay (It had better be!), but I called Master Card, then Macy's again, and left messages, and was finally told by What's-Her Name that I should really come in to the store to get the gift. You know, I never liked that store- it's too big and confusing- and I was not going to make the trip there after all this effort to get it done by phone. Besides, I wasn't fully recovered. So I gave her another charge card number. Three weeks later, when the goodies still hadn't arrived (She Who Cannot Be Pronounced had said it would take 5 to 7 business days), I finally gave up and threw away the ad. I was feeling better; I could get blush and lipstick somewhere else. Then I got the bill from American Express and saw the $40.21 charge for the stuff I had never received. The noive! I called. Macys. Again. I was referred to many more fascinating people, including Carol, Susan, Edilma and Muffy, who was the manager. I asked for the name of the Chief Operating Officer and after many calls, I got the name. It was James Gray. I think. Anyway, maybe it was a coincidence, but after that I got a call from someone higher up on the foundation chain named Corinne, the latest in a long line of personnel who only wanted to help and serve me. I begged her to just cancel the charge. The hell with the promise of youth and beauty, just give my money back. But Corinne insisted that, for my convenience, the best course of action would be to have the gift delivered. She even promised to send it the next day, a Thursday, which came and went, with no sign of the package. When I called Corinne, my new BFF, she promised I'd get it first thing Monday, and so on Tuesday I called again. Corinne was upset. She said that she tried to deliver the package herself (Hey! What are friends for?) but couldn't find my building. A simple enough mistake considering that the building takes up nearly a city block. Anybody could walk right past it. RIGHT???? She promised to deliver it the next day, and it did finally arrive, three days later on Friday. Of course, it was the wrong free gift. There was no blush, and the free lipsticks were the wrong color. And there was some dumb eye shadows I don't need and don't want. Sigh. No cute little pink and white check bag, which Corinne had told me was not pink anyway but was actually red but I hadn't believed her and was secretly hoping for pink. Instead there was one big beachy kind of blue bag (not bad, but not pink) containing two smaller bags (kind of mauve) with all the stuff I could definitely live without. Well, I kept everything, of course, and hopefully I am wiser for the experience. Here's what I learned. •"Free gift" is not only unrealistic (think "Free Lunch"), it's also redundant, and therefore, suspicious. If it's free, it has to be a gift. If it's a gift, it has to be free. It can't be a free purchase, or a gift that you pay for. •Judge Antonin Scalia made the same point to William Safire in his weekly column On Language in The Sunday Times. Scalia and me (I mean "I") agreeing on something at last, and I read it in The Times. •Nevertheless, the fact that something is advertised in a full-page ad in The New York Times means absolutely nothing. •Always abandon a project immediately when you have to deal with more than one telephone tree at more than one number and/or are referred to a manager named Muffy. •In short, although I have always identified with The Little Engine That Could, sometimes You Just Can't. You cannot fight the system. I have a feeling that this new attitude will serve me well when dealing with contractors, plumbers, cable repair people, reservation clerks, the Long Island Expressway, and certain sections of Southern New Jersey.
The last and most poignant lesson: But a girl can't let these things get her down. It's a sunny day, and I am taking my big blue bag and going to the beach. And if my lipstick melts, I see they're having this great offer at Bloomingdales . . .
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Bitter Patter
NO LAUGHING MATTER:
Did Demi Moore overdose
on laughing gas??
That's what's being reported
to those of us at:
A DEVOUT COWARD
GOES TO THE DENTIST
Have you seen The Artist? Seeing it mentioned at
The Golden Globes reminded me that that not ALL movies are
Incredibly Loud!
Do NOT Google Santorum.
I warned you . . .
I did it!
I actually got that
LITTLE BLACK DRESS!
How hard was it?
Click on the link above.
I also got my iPhone.
It's great.
Thank you Steve Jobs
Wherever you are.
Just as I posted I WAS THE GIRL PHANTOM, I found a website called The Ghost Who Blogs about The Phantom comics:
http://falkonthewildside.blogspot.com
Writing Comics. . .
Was a small but wonderful part of my checkered career, and doing a post about it brought back a lot of great memories. If you know any other women in NYC who wrote — or are writing — comics, tell me how to get in touch with them.
I'm on a watching-old-movies kick these days.
Great way to lose yourself.
If you're lucky, you'll never be found.
REVIEWS TO PERUSE
I'm All Right, Jack:
"Jack" is not just all right, it's totally delightful and fresh as a daisy after all these years (made in 1959), with Sellers, although not technically the lead, giving the brilliant performance that launched him as an international star. He plays an all-too-zealous union leader and father of a blonde bombshell who falls for Stanley, the British Upper Class Twit played, also to perfection, by Ian Carmichael, who you might remember from the Lord Peter Wimsey series. The makeout scenes between the the Twit and the Bombshell are priceless. But what is Stanley doing in this working class atmosphere anyway? Working. And too well at that. Forced by financial circumstances too dreary to discuss, he gets a job in his uncle's factory and messes things up for the other workers by, well, working, and thus making his fellow employees look bad. The film takes a big shot at unions — but also at management: they are manipulating white-collar thieves who'll do anything for a buck. Or a pound. Except for the ones, like Major Hitchcock, played by Terry Thomas, who are just plain lazy and inept. Needless to say, Stanley foils everybody's plans, labor and management alike, to my great joy and delight. Oh, and on top of everything else, Margaret Rutherford plays dotty dowager Aunt Dolly. Delicious!
The Big Lebowski:
What can you say that hasn't been said before: brilliant, inspired, with some of the most memorable lines ever to come out of a movie, the most quoted being "The Dude abides." Oh yes. For anyone who hasn't yet seen the film, and it's now out in a special Blu-Ray edition if that floats your bowling ball. The Dude in question, played to perfection by Jeff Bridges, is an out-of-work pothead who is roughed up and has his rug destroyed by some thugs mistaking him for another, bigger, Lebowski. The Dude is really upset about this because, man, "that rug really tied the room together," which The Dude says with all seriousness and not a trace of irony, a great comic touch considering the condition his condition is in. Oh, and besides "Just Dropped In," all the music is perfect for the film. The plot, according to Wikipedia, which has been known to be wrong, is "loosely based on Raymond chandler's novel, The Big Sleep." Could be. But who cares. It involves a bowling competition, "the occasional acid flashback," a trophy wife, a group of German nihilists, a kidnapping gone awry, a mad millionaire and his lackey, in another great performance by Philip Seymour Hoffman. Actually, they're all great performances. Never a fan of John Goodman before or since, he is brilliant in this film. And so are John Turturro, overacting his little heart out, Steve Buscemi in a nerdy, needy role that makes you marvel at his star turn in Boardwalk Empire, and even the actors in the smaller parts, especially Julianne Moore and Sam Elliott. Elliott plays The Stranger (God? Everyman? The part of us that roots for the bad boy?) who elicits from Bridges the immortal words, "The Dude abides." Which prompts The Stranger to comment to the audience: "Don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals." We'll never know about the bowling trophy because there's never been a sequel to this 1998 film by the great Coen Brothers, and I hope there never will be. It just abides, as all great films do.
Prince of the City:
Okay, the criticisms of this movie are not totally unfounded: it's too long, and Treat Williams may have overacted a bit, although I found him so deliciously charming I couldn't care less, and there's one part concerning the Jerry Orbach character I just didn't understand. But get over it, The New Yorker, this is one powerful movie. And yes, Dog Day Afternoon it isn't, but what it? The DVD has a great special feature with Williams (I so want to call him Treat) and Sidney (what the hell: I once made a meatloaf sandwich for the man) that explains a lot about filmmaking in general and this movie in particular. Also, Sidney's views on good and evil, and how things are not so black and white as you think. I loved it.
Bad Day At Black Rock:
Recommended on TCM by Robert Osbourne as a film he originally had no interest in seeing, then loved it, and by Alex Baldwin, who pointed out the great actors in the cast, including Lee Marvin, Ernest Brognine and Dean Jagger. Well, after all that, I had to like it, right? I did. A lot. It was a Good Day On My Couch.
Behind the Scenes Stuff: Spencer Tracey was off drinking and wouldn't commit to the film until the producers (who wanted him desperately) told him that they had Alan Ladd, at which point Tracey grabbed it. He was perfect for the part, wearing a dark suit and tie the entire time in a western setting, pulling it off perfectly. Other than that "fashion statement," the film makes a strong case against racism: the hatred of the Japanese during WW2. See it.
Song of The Thin Man:
I usually like these frothy, silly, suave, utter unrealistic films from the 30s and 40s, with William Powell and Myrna Loy as the couple we'd all like to be — if only we had the looks, brains, money, a huge capacity for drinking and a dog like Asta. But this one was a stinker, rather than a stinger, or maybe a sinker, because it turned out to be the last, not to mention the least, in the series. Watch any of the others four sequels, but not this one: Even the pooch jumped the shark.
The Children's Hour:
It had its moments, and just looking at Audrey Hepburn makes life worth living, but mostly I kept thinking that the play, by Lillian Hellman, was so much better. It's about two young women runing a school for girls, who are accused by a hateful little brat of being (GASP!) lesbians. And although the closest we get in this 1961 production to using that actual term is the word "unnatural," it's enough to ruin their lives. A young Shirley McClaine is worth seeing in this, and James Garner, and Audrey Hepburn is, well, Audrey Hepburn. The rumor of the love that dare not speak its name is totally untrue — or is it? And I'll say no more, because you should see the movie for yourself, imperfect as it may be, as is Life Itself.
by martinis alone,
I like this blog:
grapesandgreens.blogspot.com
BITTER PATTER
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from the past.
It's twue, so twue. 




Comments
Aren't we all susceptible to a deal....."you know the ones, where you buy something you donâ??t need to get a bunch of things you donâ??t want"or"where you have to spend way more money than intended just to use the coupon."
It doesn't make sense, but it works.
Hey, wait a minute!!! We Bloggers need to figure out how to make this approach work for us.
Fun site. Nice post. Enjoyed it.
Bring Back Pluto
"ONE of THE GUYS"
You should know there is no free lunch or blush, for that matter!
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