Thu

09

Jul

2009

PLEASE STAY TUNED
Written by Pat Fortunato   
I   AM   EXPERIENCING   T E M P O R A R Y   T E C H N I CA L  
D I F F I C U L T I E S


techdifcolors.jpgNot surprising, considering that I'm afraid of my own alarm clock.

No. Really. It’s a smart clock that automatically adjusts for daylight savings time, making it far, far, smarter than I. My old clock was dumb. It would start beeping in the middle of the night, and I couldn’t make it stop. Is the smart clock too bright for that, or wily enough to outwit me and go off at the crack of dawn, even though I have my phone programmed not to ring before 10AM? Only time will tell.

I am no longer afraid of my phone, the land line, but still get confused about getting messages from my cell. Or sending texts. I’ve mastered Hi-Def TV and can record, replay, and delete like a pro. But this level of competence took more calls to Time Warner than they or I would care to admit, and I'm still not sure how long recorded shows remain available for viewing. I will figure this out, and learn to live with all the new and exciting technology I feel I ought to know —
in the fullness of time.

Meanwhile, I blog.

If you really want to know about technical difficulties —BE ME AND START A BLOG. . .


I know, I know, it looks great. But that’s mostly thanks to Marc Nadel, the caricaturist, and especially to the continuing efforts of the webmaster, who constantly gets me out of the holes I dig myself into.The thing is, I am not a techie. I am not even techier than thou, no matter what level of expertise thou might happen to possess. Not that long ago I was a technophobe, so that this blog, even though it was well designed and is well maintained, is one of life's more interesting challenges for a person like me.

The Blasts From Hell
Let's start with the the e-mails. You might have received one of the e-mail blasts I send out when I post something new. Or you might not have. E-mail blasts require creating mailing lists, and it has taken me months to put these together, so your name might be left out. On the other hand, you might have gotten two of the same one because 1) I double clicked on SEND or 2) I forgot to include a link the first time and had to resend the whole thing or 3) you somehow got on two lists. Bad blogger!

Then there was the time I clicked the wrong button and sent out an e-mail without blind copies. And there they were, all those names and addresses flapping in the breeze. I didn’t make that mistake again, but on the last blast either AOL or I (neither of us is perfect) sent about ten flappers among the quietly discreet blinders. I now check for that even when AOL is acting weird, but who knows what other technical difficulties, temporary or otherwise, are lurking out there in the blogosphere.

I actually have fun with the e-mails, playing with different colors and typefaces. Readers seem to really like them and click on the link (when I remember to include it) to come to the site. Last time, I used red, white and blue for the Fourth of July fireworks post. A little jarring, colorwise, but so very patriotic. I also found a way, or thought I had, to create cute lines of stars across the top and bottom. The thing is, when I sent the first batch out, the stars come out as X’s. It looked really dumb, I thought, although one reader thought they were kisses, because of the play on words about putting fireworks, AKA romance, in your relationship.

What scared me was that the search engines might pick up all those X’s as some sort of advertisement for porn, and all my work would go down in Spam. Not to mention the weirdos that might come to the site, so to speak. Isn’t it ironic, not romantic, that my e-mail blast about fireworks — which must be so technically perfect— went so technically astray? Oh well, the post was well received: many readers liked   FIREWORKS 'R US! And so far no one but the usual eccentrics have showed up on the comments section. Friends, Romans, Eccentrics! Send me your comments! No devotees of The Garter Belt News need apply.

Nobody knows the technological troubles I’ve seen.. . .

I haven’t even told you about my forays into the myriad forums that bloggers are supposed to join. I have managed to respond to the wrong question in a discussion group on Blog Catalog, confusing everyone including me. I have also sent messages to myself on Facebook, which, by the way, I joined by mistake: I was looking for MySpace. I may have inadvertently invented FaceSpace, but who knows.

On my own site, I have posted the same article twice, deleted a post by mistake and had to recreate it from scratch, forgotten to hit Save and couldn't figure out why my changes weren't registering, published articles before they were edited (Yes, Virginia, I do edit), have created links that didn't link, and have made a thousand and one other mistakes, but who's counting. Fortunately, it was all fixable. Maddening, but fixable.

It’s an adventure every time I put a photo onto the site. Wrong picture, wrong place, wrong size, I've done it all. One day I used the wrong browser to work on a post and all the photos on the site started going blank! Everything I touched turned a weird shade of mottled puce. The more I tried to fix it, the worse it got.
 
Of course I did what any true recovering technophobe would do, I calmly and coolly TOTALLY PANICKED. I had just had a piece posted on the online newspaper Woman Around Town www/womanaroundtown.com with a link back to my site! All those women would come to a Place of Puce (talk about a Decorating Disaster!) and would never return. I was doomed! I called the webmaster and woke him up. Hey, it was before ten. How could I? I had worked myself up over nothing, and woke him over nothing, because the problem righted itself when I went back to the right browser. And through all this, the blogosphere never even blinked.

Oh well, a girl can’t let these things get her down.
And for a person who’s afraid of her alarm clock, and whose palms sweated bullets the first time she sat down at a computer, I’m actually pretty fearless when it comes to blogging and the Internet. Backed up by a webmaster who can fix anything I mess up, I'm afraid that I now  have delusions of adequacy.

I’ve also learned that while I can talk to the universe all I want (Yo, Universe!) I can't blow it up, no matter what dumbass thing I do on my computer, and I do some pretty dumbass things. I couldn’t even cause a blackout in NYC, which some of us thought we did a few years ago, being as how we were on line when it happened. Just a coincidence! I swear! I didn't do it! Anyway, the blogosphere appears to be in no imminent danger for now. Even from me. But if it starts ringing in the middle of the night, let me know immediately.


TELL THE TRUTH: DOES TECHNOLOGY SCARE—OR CONFUSE—YOU A LITTLE, TOO?
 



 
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0 # JOHN 2009-07-10 05:53
First of all, what a great phrase: I now have delusions of adequacy. I know several people like that, only they have no clue about their real condition. I was terrified, for some reason, of the e-mail process in the beginning, not realizing how simple it is and wonderful! I was always afraid to send anything, being sure that it wouldn't get there. Or something like that . . .
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0 # Pat 2009-07-10 06:07
Thank Mr. Bill (McCay) for the line "Delusions of Adequacy." Like the expression, A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, it just about sums it up, doesn't it? Mr. Bill is also famous for "In the fullness of time."
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0 # Cranky webmaster 2009-07-10 08:42
It's not that you used the wrong web browser, Pat.

It's that you used a web browser (AOL) that is based on 10 year old web 1.0 technology.
yet, you have a web 2.0 website. kind of like using water to put out an electrical fire.

follow the link and get firefox.
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0 # Ruth 2009-07-13 05:03
Delusions of adequacy? Marvelous!
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0 # Lisleman 2009-07-13 07:39
Being an engineer I've worked in technology many years and find it fascinating but also frustrating when it goes wrong. Often software programs try to be too smart and second guess the user - usual an error waiting to happen with that approach.

I have sister who didn't even know how to use the menu on a DVD. She just knew about the play button. IMHO - people need to try new things and experiment with the gadgets.

facespace ? but bookspace is good and most people like myface
thanks :D
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0 # Kim 2009-07-14 01:49
Pat...
You are hysterical and I have ALL the same issues and you are doing so wonderfully fabulous with ALL you are doing!!!
Love you~
kim:-)
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0 # mercedes Norton 2009-07-16 09:21
:D Lol very funny ! After one year with Direct TV I'm still afraid of the remote control as I feel that it's got some kind of vendetta against me Yeah, sometimes it just refuses to turn the TV on and other times I end up with naked people on the screen yes, even after I've blocked these channels. But your doing great and I love your Blog so please don't let anything stop you.
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Did Demi Moore overdose
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That's what's being reported
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Have you seen The Artist? Seeing it mentioned at
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LITTLE BLACK DRESS!

How hard was it?
Click on the link above
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I also got my iPhone.
It's great.
Thank you Steve Jobs
Wherever you are.

  Just as I posted I WAS THE GIRL PHANTOM, I found a website called The Ghost Who Blogs about The Phantom comics:

http://falkonthewildside.blogspot.com

Writing Comics. . .
Was a small but wonderful part of my checkered career, and doing a post about it  brought back a lot of great memories. If you know any other women in NYC who wrote — or are writing — comics, tell me how to get in touch with them. 

I'm on a watching-old-movies kick these days.
Great way to lose yourself.
If you're lucky, you'll never be found. 

REVIEWS TO PERUSE

I'm All Right, Jack:
"Jack" is not just all right, it's totally delightful and fresh as a daisy after all these years (made in 1959), with Sellers, although not technically the lead, giving the brilliant performance that launched him as an international star. He plays an all-too-zealous union leader and father of a blonde bombshell who falls for Stanley, the British Upper Class Twit played, also to perfection, by Ian Carmichael, who you might remember from the Lord Peter Wimsey series. The makeout scenes between the the Twit and the Bombshell are priceless. But what is Stanley doing in this working class atmosphere anyway? Working. And too well at that. Forced by financial circumstances too dreary to discuss, he gets a job in his uncle's factory and messes things up for the other workers by, well, working, and thus making his fellow employees look bad. The film takes a big shot at unions — but also at management: they are manipulating white-collar thieves who'll do anything for a buck. Or a pound. Except for the ones, like Major Hitchcock, played by Terry Thomas, who are just plain lazy and inept. Needless to say, Stanley foils everybody's plans, labor and management alike, to my great joy and delight. Oh, and on top of everything else, Margaret Rutherford plays dotty dowager Aunt Dolly. Delicious!

 The Big Lebowski:
What can you say that hasn't been said before: brilliant, inspired, with some of the most memorable lines ever to come out of a movie, the most quoted being "The Dude abides." Oh yes. For anyone who hasn't yet seen the film, and it's now out in a special Blu-Ray edition if that floats your bowling ball. The Dude in question,  played to perfection by Jeff Bridges, is an out-of-work pothead who is roughed up and has his rug destroyed by some thugs mistaking him for another, bigger, Lebowski. The Dude is really upset about this because, man, "that rug really tied the room together," which The Dude says with all seriousness and not a trace of irony, a great comic touch considering the condition his condition is in.  Oh, and besides "Just Dropped In," all the music is perfect for the film. The plot, according to Wikipedia, which has been known to be wrong, is "loosely based on Raymond chandler's novel, The Big Sleep." Could be. But who cares. It involves a bowling competition, "the occasional acid flashback," a trophy wife, a group of German nihilists, a kidnapping gone awry, a mad millionaire and his lackey, in another great performance by Philip Seymour Hoffman. Actually, they're all great performances. Never a fan of John Goodman before or since, he is brilliant in this film. And so are John Turturro, overacting his little heart out, Steve Buscemi in a nerdy, needy role that makes you marvel at his star turn in Boardwalk Empire, and even the actors in the smaller parts, especially Julianne Moore and Sam Elliott. Elliott plays The Stranger (God? Everyman? The part of us that roots for the bad boy?) who elicits from Bridges the immortal words, "The Dude abides." Which prompts The Stranger to comment to the audience: "Don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals." We'll never know about the bowling trophy because there's never been a sequel to this 1998 film by the great Coen Brothers, and I hope there never will be. It just abides, as all great films do.

Prince of the City:
Okay, the criticisms of this movie are not totally unfounded: it's too long, and Treat Williams may have overacted a bit, although I found him so deliciously charming I couldn't care less, and there's one part concerning the Jerry Orbach character I just didn't understand. But get over it, The New Yorker, this is one powerful movie. And yes, Dog Day Afternoon it isn't, but what it? The DVD has a great special feature with Williams (I so want to call him Treat) and Sidney (what the hell: I once made a meatloaf sandwich for the man) that explains a lot about filmmaking in general and this movie in particular. Also, Sidney's views on good and evil, and how things are not so black and white as you think. I loved it.

Bad Day At Black Rock:
Recommended on TCM by Robert Osbourne as a film he originally had no interest in seeing, then loved it, and by Alex Baldwin, who pointed out the great actors in the cast, including Lee Marvin, Ernest Brognine and Dean Jagger. Well, after all that, I had to like it, right?  I did. A lot. It was a Good Day On My Couch.
Behind the Scenes Stuff: Spencer Tracey was off drinking and wouldn't commit to the film until the producers (who wanted him desperately) told him that they had Alan Ladd, at which point Tracey grabbed it.  He was perfect for the part, wearing a dark suit and tie the entire time in a western setting,  pulling it off perfectly. Other than that "fashion statement," the film makes a strong case against racism: the hatred of the Japanese during WW2. See it.

Song of The Thin Man:
I usually like these frothy, silly, suave, utter unrealistic films from the 30s and 40s, with William Powell and Myrna Loy as the couple we'd all like to be — if only we had the looks, brains, money, a huge capacity for drinking and a dog like Asta. But this one was a stinker, rather than a stinger, or maybe a sinker, because  it turned out to be the last, not to mention the least, in the series. Watch any of the others four sequels, but not this one: Even the pooch jumped the shark.

The Children's Hour:
It had its moments, and just looking at Audrey Hepburn makes life worth living, but mostly I kept thinking that the play, by Lillian Hellman, was so much better. It's about two young women runing a school for girls, who are accused by a hateful little brat of being (GASP!) lesbians. And although the closest we get in this 1961 production to using that actual term is the word "unnatural," it's enough to ruin their lives.  A young Shirley McClaine is worth seeing in this, and James Garner, and Audrey Hepburn is, well, Audrey Hepburn. The rumor of the love that dare not speak its name is totally untrue — or is it? And I'll say no more, because you should see the movie for yourself, imperfect as it may be, as is Life Itself.

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