Tue

09

Jun

2009

Is Archie Marrying For Money?
Written by Pat Fortunato   
After nearly 70 years of noncomittment (an impressive record even for an American male), Archie Andrews finally chose between the two cartoon characters in his life, Betty Cooper and Veronica Lodge. Fortunately, he is a cartoon character himself, or this would be a truly weird story. But Archie's picking Veronica over Betty took many of us by surprise, and inquiring minds want to know what's up. We wonder if it might have anything to do with Veronica's millions.
I have a personal interest in all of this .
. .                                                                               
betty__veronica.jpgWhen I was in book publishing, my partner (a blonde) and I (a natural brunette) were known as Betty & Veronica. The great comic artist Dan De Carlo, who drew many of the Archie Comics, autographed this drawing of “us,” which we proudly displayed in our office.

Then, when the business was sold, I grabbed the picture (being Veronica, and all), and it now hangs in my den, a few feet away from where I’m sitting. When someone visited the other day, I pointed it out, but instead of being suitably impressed, he wanted to know if I was the “bad” one. The brunette, you see,  is never the "good" one. . .

As a brunette,  a sort-of real life Veronica, and a card-carrying member of Off Track Betting, I figured that the odds-on favorite had to be the blonde.
I was betting on Betty.


First of all, there is that idée fixe that blondes have more fun. And comics are supposed to be fun, right? Besides, blondes are more wholesome looking, more “Archie,” whereas brunettes are seen as sultry, sexy, and sinful (but then why aren’t we having more fun)? Anyway, there’s also the scientific fact (You can Google it if you want) that blondes — even the bottled kind — are much rarer than brunettes, and getting rarer every day. The word is that we’re headed towards a beige world, and if that happens, how many blondes do you think there’ll be? So I figured that they’d pick the blonde, if only as the token rara avis, so to speak.

On the other hand . . . Maybe the publishers of Archie Comics wanted to pander to their female audience, who happen to be mostly brunettes. They'd sell more comics, and make more money, wouldn't they. But pander? The comic book industry? How ever did I become so cynical!

Once Upon A Time . .
When I was a little girl, before cynicism had set in, all I wanted was to be a blonde, like all the heroines in all the books I read. Ever notice that the witches, evil stepmothers, and assorted other characters of questionable moral fiber, were always dark haired and dark eyed. Like me.

Then I discovered Wonder Woman: dark hair, although blue-eyed and very tall, to boot. Loved her boots. And her bracelets. Wotta Woman. And wasn’t Lynda Carter just so perfect for the part? During a brief period in my life when I was writing comics (The Phantom, Little Lulu, UFO Adventures), they asked little me (actually, I prefer the term “vertically challenged”) to write scripts for the Amazing Amazon, but the pay was too little (or "financially challenged"), and the editor called me “honey” a few times too many. So I refused, even though there she was, Wonder Woman, a heroine with a head of really big dark hair and all those great accessories.  I still think she’s cool.

It’s not fair! And neither am I . .
But let’s face it, if I had the coloring for it, I’d be blonde in a heartbeat. Gentlemen prefer them, they are allowed to have Blonde Ambition or be Legally Blonde, and they can act as dumb as they want while stealing your heart. Or anything else. I think that long, blond hair on almost any woman changes the whole impression from ho-hum to ho-boy. And yellow is such a pretty color.

So Betty had everything going for her! She’s fun, wholesome, All-American (while at the same time becoming an endangered species), and most of all, she’s much nicer than her rival. And yet, Archie chose Veronica. H'mm.

Follow The Money . . .
At this point I really had to seriously question the motives of this guy and couldn't avoid the question: Could the boy be a little bit of a gold digger, gold being even prettier than yellow, to some. Not quite ready to accept that disturbing thought, I played around with the idea that all these years Mr. Andrews might have always been hiding a . . . darker side that we didn’t know about it. A secret life. A desire to be more edgy. More “now.” Maybe he was a Dr. Archie and Mr. Hide. Maybe . . . Nah. It hadda be the dough. Putting the material motives of Archie Comics aside, the horrible truth may be that Archie himself is going to marry for money! Talk about All-American.

Oh well, life goes on, for blondes and brunettes alike, the have Archies and the almost had Archies, and we’ll all have to just get over it. On the bright side, Veronica will be able to keep Archie in the style to which he might like to become accustomed. And although she is a brunette, she isn’t actually evil, just a little snotty and self centered. Traits easily forgiven when traveling to Paris First Class. Maybe Archie has had enough of Betty and her wholesome ways and wants to Live Large for a change. Hey! Maybe Betty isn’t even a natural blonde! And after all these years, Archie should know.

But wait. . . maybe all of Veronica’s family money was invested with Bernie or some other Mini-Madoff, and Archie hasn’t found out about it yet. Then, my friends, all bets are off! I smell broken engagement here, and if so, can a romance on the rebound with Betty be far behind? Presuming, of course, that the boy can actually make a commitment to either one.


UPDATE!! 
Turns out that all this was a publicity stunt. Shocking.
Marrying Veronica was just "one version of the future" on a path the publishers dreamed up called "Memory Lane." What WILL they think of next?? In another version, Archie marries Betty. Sigh.

For a nicer, and spicier, Valentine's Day story: My Night At The Pussy Cat Lounge

 
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0 # Diana 2009-06-02 03:50
What do you mean a natural brunette. Are you insinuating I'm not a natural blond???
If you want my opinion, Archie sees 15 more minutes of fame, so he chose the bad girl for now. Good publicity, but he'll never marry her.
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0 # Pat 2009-06-02 12:01
Okay, you're a natural blonde. And I'm 29. Happy?
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0 # JOHN 2009-06-02 14:12
Now, girls . . .
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0 # lisleman 2009-06-03 10:04
Not a comic follower but did they put any redheads in the story?

I think redheads can just as exciting as a blonde. Really the hair has little to do with it.
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2010-02-11 05:26
Yes, and her name is Cheryl Blossom. Wonder how that's working out for him.
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0 # Pat 2009-06-12 08:17
To Lisleman: I take back what I said about wanting to be a blonde. Redheads are so much more exotic! Not that I'm superficial, or anything.
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0 # mercedes Norton 2009-06-26 11:21
I read an article somewhere that redheads (the real kind) were going to be extinct in the next twenty years......After so many years I do think Archie should have moved on with his life and Betty and Veronica should have looked for a guy who could make a decision.:D
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2010-02-11 06:24
Right on, Mercedes. Check out "My Night At The Pussy Cat Lounge" for one way to find a stand-up guy.
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0 # Susan Schuander 2009-10-22 08:04
Archie always liked Veronica better. Betty was always chasing Archie, but Veronica was his true love, which I couldn't understand being blonde when I was young, I thought it was great. On the other hand, I didn't have that much fun. PS, I'm old and have "brandy" colored hair!
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0 # Pat 2009-10-24 05:52
See, and I had the opposite impression: as a brunette, I thought that all the "stars" of movies, comics, fairy tales ? and life!? were blondes. I would have become one, but it didn't go with my coloring. In spite of this early trauma, I have managed to have my share of fun, more than my share, some would say. But one thing, we don't use the word "old" around here ? it could make us bitter!
Thanks for your comments, Susan, I enjoy them all, and your brandy colored hair is mouthwatering.
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0 # syl 2009-12-31 05:28
I think Archie should do as I have heard many men do. Leave both girls and marry someone he has just met.
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0 # Pat 2009-12-31 10:17
So I guess he'd have to meet a redhead . . .Imagine what the children would look like!
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REVIEWS TO PERUSE

I'm All Right, Jack:
"Jack" is not just all right, it's totally delightful and fresh as a daisy after all these years (made in 1959), with Sellers, although not technically the lead, giving the brilliant performance that launched him as an international star. He plays an all-too-zealous union leader and father of a blonde bombshell who falls for Stanley, the British Upper Class Twit played, also to perfection, by Ian Carmichael, who you might remember from the Lord Peter Wimsey series. The makeout scenes between the the Twit and the Bombshell are priceless. But what is Stanley doing in this working class atmosphere anyway? Working. And too well at that. Forced by financial circumstances too dreary to discuss, he gets a job in his uncle's factory and messes things up for the other workers by, well, working, and thus making his fellow employees look bad. The film takes a big shot at unions — but also at management: they are manipulating white-collar thieves who'll do anything for a buck. Or a pound. Except for the ones, like Major Hitchcock, played by Terry Thomas, who are just plain lazy and inept. Needless to say, Stanley foils everybody's plans, labor and management alike, to my great joy and delight. Oh, and on top of everything else, Margaret Rutherford plays dotty dowager Aunt Dolly. Delicious!

 The Big Lebowski:
What can you say that hasn't been said before: brilliant, inspired, with some of the most memorable lines ever to come out of a movie, the most quoted being "The Dude abides." Oh yes. For anyone who hasn't yet seen the film, and it's now out in a special Blu-Ray edition if that floats your bowling ball. The Dude in question,  played to perfection by Jeff Bridges, is an out-of-work pothead who is roughed up and has his rug destroyed by some thugs mistaking him for another, bigger, Lebowski. The Dude is really upset about this because, man, "that rug really tied the room together," which The Dude says with all seriousness and not a trace of irony, a great comic touch considering the condition his condition is in.  Oh, and besides "Just Dropped In," all the music is perfect for the film. The plot, according to Wikipedia, which has been known to be wrong, is "loosely based on Raymond chandler's novel, The Big Sleep." Could be. But who cares. It involves a bowling competition, "the occasional acid flashback," a trophy wife, a group of German nihilists, a kidnapping gone awry, a mad millionaire and his lackey, in another great performance by Philip Seymour Hoffman. Actually, they're all great performances. Never a fan of John Goodman before or since, he is brilliant in this film. And so are John Turturro, overacting his little heart out, Steve Buscemi in a nerdy, needy role that makes you marvel at his star turn in Boardwalk Empire, and even the actors in the smaller parts, especially Julianne Moore and Sam Elliott. Elliott plays The Stranger (God? Everyman? The part of us that roots for the bad boy?) who elicits from Bridges the immortal words, "The Dude abides." Which prompts The Stranger to comment to the audience: "Don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals." We'll never know about the bowling trophy because there's never been a sequel to this 1998 film by the great Coen Brothers, and I hope there never will be. It just abides, as all great films do.

Prince of the City:
Okay, the criticisms of this movie are not totally unfounded: it's too long, and Treat Williams may have overacted a bit, although I found him so deliciously charming I couldn't care less, and there's one part concerning the Jerry Orbach character I just didn't understand. But get over it, The New Yorker, this is one powerful movie. And yes, Dog Day Afternoon it isn't, but what it? The DVD has a great special feature with Williams (I so want to call him Treat) and Sidney (what the hell: I once made a meatloaf sandwich for the man) that explains a lot about filmmaking in general and this movie in particular. Also, Sidney's views on good and evil, and how things are not so black and white as you think. I loved it.

Bad Day At Black Rock:
Recommended on TCM by Robert Osbourne as a film he originally had no interest in seeing, then loved it, and by Alex Baldwin, who pointed out the great actors in the cast, including Lee Marvin, Ernest Brognine and Dean Jagger. Well, after all that, I had to like it, right?  I did. A lot. It was a Good Day On My Couch.
Behind the Scenes Stuff: Spencer Tracey was off drinking and wouldn't commit to the film until the producers (who wanted him desperately) told him that they had Alan Ladd, at which point Tracey grabbed it.  He was perfect for the part, wearing a dark suit and tie the entire time in a western setting,  pulling it off perfectly. Other than that "fashion statement," the film makes a strong case against racism: the hatred of the Japanese during WW2. See it.

Song of The Thin Man:
I usually like these frothy, silly, suave, utter unrealistic films from the 30s and 40s, with William Powell and Myrna Loy as the couple we'd all like to be — if only we had the looks, brains, money, a huge capacity for drinking and a dog like Asta. But this one was a stinker, rather than a stinger, or maybe a sinker, because  it turned out to be the last, not to mention the least, in the series. Watch any of the others four sequels, but not this one: Even the pooch jumped the shark.

The Children's Hour:
It had its moments, and just looking at Audrey Hepburn makes life worth living, but mostly I kept thinking that the play, by Lillian Hellman, was so much better. It's about two young women runing a school for girls, who are accused by a hateful little brat of being (GASP!) lesbians. And although the closest we get in this 1961 production to using that actual term is the word "unnatural," it's enough to ruin their lives.  A young Shirley McClaine is worth seeing in this, and James Garner, and Audrey Hepburn is, well, Audrey Hepburn. The rumor of the love that dare not speak its name is totally untrue — or is it? And I'll say no more, because you should see the movie for yourself, imperfect as it may be, as is Life Itself.

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