Sat

27

Jun

2009

THE LUV GUVS
Written by Pat Fortunato   

spitzer.jpgGovernors: What the hell is up??

Let me rephrase that: Why are governors all over America running around  like rabbits in heat, and why are they not even smart enough to cover their tracks?

Right here in the Empire State, we had Elliott Spitzer. Or someone had him. Whatever. The press had a ball with this story: articles in the Post and News used every pun and innuendo known to man, including the line that Spitzer refuses to disclose his position on prostitutes. And even though he was never all that lovable to begin with, he’ll always be the LUV GUV to me.

And now we have Mark Sanford down there in South Carolina, or someplace south, the man who couldn't decide where to say he was when he went missing for a week. Pick a continent, any continent! You gotta have a story first before you say I'm sticking to it.

Okay, the guy fell in love. I know this for a fact because David Brooks said so. On PBS! And we all know that being in love makes you act in weird and mysterious ways. If you’re lucky, you yourself have had a What-Was I-Thinking moment or two—all in the name of love.

But stop! (And where is Diana Ross when we need her?) These people are elected officials. Other people, citizens who actually gave a damn, went into to their polling places and pulled a lever or poked a chad for them. So not for nothin’, but shouldn’t they at the very least have enough self control to avoid Gallivanting Governor Syndrome, affectionately known as  GAGS . . .

What’s Love Got To Do With It?

If they can’t keep it in their pants, can’t these governors at least be discreet? Seems not. I mean, Mr. Sanford, your honor, or whatever you call governors, in love or not, couldn’t you have at least tried to come up with a plausible story? Have you not heard of beards? Alibis? Cover-ups? Watergate? Was there no one you could trust with your secret? No one who could tell a believable, not to mention consistent, story about your whereabouts?

On the other hand, as Dr. Phil will undoubtedly tell us, maybe down deep in your heart you really wanted to get caught. But this is not a good thing, Guv’nor. I know you have a lot on your mind, being a public official and all, but this was like, important. The last thing your party needed was another sex scandal.

Of course, all sex scandals do not involve Republicans —or governors for that matter. Clinton was President at the time of the Great Monica Megillah, if you’ll recall. But Bill had been a governor previously, so that puts him squarely in the GAGS club, for sure. How very appropriate.

Many other incidents of indiscretion have involved senators and congressman. Did you notice that I didn’t say congresswomen? The thing is, I can’t think of a single sex scandal involving a woman. There must have been some in recent memory (Lady Godiver doesn't count) and if so, someone let me know. But let’s face it, it’s like serial killers: sex addicts —or just people in love or lust (sometimes it's hard to tell the difference) who think they can get away with anything, any time, any place  – tend to be men.

So maybe this is not about governors at all, but about guys. H’mm. That would make it the Gallivanting Guy Syndrome. Still GAGS, no matter how you slice it, with apologies to Lorena Bobbitt, she of the short fuse and appropriate last name. Ouch!

Anyway guys, get a grip! Maybe that was a bad choice of words. Let me try again. Get a hold of yourselves? Whoops, let’s not go there either. What I’m trying to say, guys, governors, whoever, is that haven’t you ever heard of sublimating?

Find a hobby. Another hobby. Take night courses. And actually attend the classes. If all else fails, try things like taking cold showers or going to the gym. Long walks are good too, especially on colorful, historic trails with Indian-sounding names. And I'd stay away from South America if I were you. Just a suggestion.

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?
ARE POLITICIANS ANY WORSE THAN THE AVERAGE GUY?
ANY SUGGESTIONS FOR THEM? THAT I CAN PRINT?





 
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Comments  

 
0 # Joseph Triolo 2009-06-29 03:10
Loved this one Pat
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0 # Diana 2009-06-29 05:25
Careful Pat. They day is still young and GAGS could also stand for Gallivanting Gal Syndrome.
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0 # JOHN 2009-06-29 05:42
Maybe in the future these politicians will carefully assess their own lust patterns and what they might be
possibly up to in the future before they castigate others for the very same behavior. Oh, what am I
saying? Hypocrisy Reigns Forever!
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0 # mercedes Norton 2009-07-02 06:18
This article says it all and it's so true. The idea of voting day is always such a pain for me to plan my day and to think these clowns were not even intelligent enough to cover their tracks is truly the scary part as we are counting on them to make the right choices in issues that will effect our daily lives. I expected this type of behavior from our Movie Stars and teenagers not our politicians!
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0 # Pat 2009-07-12 07:01
There may be Gallivanting Gals, Diana, but so far no female governors have been nailed, so to speak. Of course, we don't know everything (just more than we ever wanted to know) about Sarah Palin, so stay tuned . . .
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REVIEWS TO PERUSE

I'm All Right, Jack:
"Jack" is not just all right, it's totally delightful and fresh as a daisy after all these years (made in 1959), with Sellers, although not technically the lead, giving the brilliant performance that launched him as an international star. He plays an all-too-zealous union leader and father of a blonde bombshell who falls for Stanley, the British Upper Class Twit played, also to perfection, by Ian Carmichael, who you might remember from the Lord Peter Wimsey series. The makeout scenes between the the Twit and the Bombshell are priceless. But what is Stanley doing in this working class atmosphere anyway? Working. And too well at that. Forced by financial circumstances too dreary to discuss, he gets a job in his uncle's factory and messes things up for the other workers by, well, working, and thus making his fellow employees look bad. The film takes a big shot at unions — but also at management: they are manipulating white-collar thieves who'll do anything for a buck. Or a pound. Except for the ones, like Major Hitchcock, played by Terry Thomas, who are just plain lazy and inept. Needless to say, Stanley foils everybody's plans, labor and management alike, to my great joy and delight. Oh, and on top of everything else, Margaret Rutherford plays dotty dowager Aunt Dolly. Delicious!

 The Big Lebowski:
What can you say that hasn't been said before: brilliant, inspired, with some of the most memorable lines ever to come out of a movie, the most quoted being "The Dude abides." Oh yes. For anyone who hasn't yet seen the film, and it's now out in a special Blu-Ray edition if that floats your bowling ball. The Dude in question,  played to perfection by Jeff Bridges, is an out-of-work pothead who is roughed up and has his rug destroyed by some thugs mistaking him for another, bigger, Lebowski. The Dude is really upset about this because, man, "that rug really tied the room together," which The Dude says with all seriousness and not a trace of irony, a great comic touch considering the condition his condition is in.  Oh, and besides "Just Dropped In," all the music is perfect for the film. The plot, according to Wikipedia, which has been known to be wrong, is "loosely based on Raymond chandler's novel, The Big Sleep." Could be. But who cares. It involves a bowling competition, "the occasional acid flashback," a trophy wife, a group of German nihilists, a kidnapping gone awry, a mad millionaire and his lackey, in another great performance by Philip Seymour Hoffman. Actually, they're all great performances. Never a fan of John Goodman before or since, he is brilliant in this film. And so are John Turturro, overacting his little heart out, Steve Buscemi in a nerdy, needy role that makes you marvel at his star turn in Boardwalk Empire, and even the actors in the smaller parts, especially Julianne Moore and Sam Elliott. Elliott plays The Stranger (God? Everyman? The part of us that roots for the bad boy?) who elicits from Bridges the immortal words, "The Dude abides." Which prompts The Stranger to comment to the audience: "Don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals." We'll never know about the bowling trophy because there's never been a sequel to this 1998 film by the great Coen Brothers, and I hope there never will be. It just abides, as all great films do.

Prince of the City:
Okay, the criticisms of this movie are not totally unfounded: it's too long, and Treat Williams may have overacted a bit, although I found him so deliciously charming I couldn't care less, and there's one part concerning the Jerry Orbach character I just didn't understand. But get over it, The New Yorker, this is one powerful movie. And yes, Dog Day Afternoon it isn't, but what it? The DVD has a great special feature with Williams (I so want to call him Treat) and Sidney (what the hell: I once made a meatloaf sandwich for the man) that explains a lot about filmmaking in general and this movie in particular. Also, Sidney's views on good and evil, and how things are not so black and white as you think. I loved it.

Bad Day At Black Rock:
Recommended on TCM by Robert Osbourne as a film he originally had no interest in seeing, then loved it, and by Alex Baldwin, who pointed out the great actors in the cast, including Lee Marvin, Ernest Brognine and Dean Jagger. Well, after all that, I had to like it, right?  I did. A lot. It was a Good Day On My Couch.
Behind the Scenes Stuff: Spencer Tracey was off drinking and wouldn't commit to the film until the producers (who wanted him desperately) told him that they had Alan Ladd, at which point Tracey grabbed it.  He was perfect for the part, wearing a dark suit and tie the entire time in a western setting,  pulling it off perfectly. Other than that "fashion statement," the film makes a strong case against racism: the hatred of the Japanese during WW2. See it.

Song of The Thin Man:
I usually like these frothy, silly, suave, utter unrealistic films from the 30s and 40s, with William Powell and Myrna Loy as the couple we'd all like to be — if only we had the looks, brains, money, a huge capacity for drinking and a dog like Asta. But this one was a stinker, rather than a stinger, or maybe a sinker, because  it turned out to be the last, not to mention the least, in the series. Watch any of the others four sequels, but not this one: Even the pooch jumped the shark.

The Children's Hour:
It had its moments, and just looking at Audrey Hepburn makes life worth living, but mostly I kept thinking that the play, by Lillian Hellman, was so much better. It's about two young women runing a school for girls, who are accused by a hateful little brat of being (GASP!) lesbians. And although the closest we get in this 1961 production to using that actual term is the word "unnatural," it's enough to ruin their lives.  A young Shirley McClaine is worth seeing in this, and James Garner, and Audrey Hepburn is, well, Audrey Hepburn. The rumor of the love that dare not speak its name is totally untrue — or is it? And I'll say no more, because you should see the movie for yourself, imperfect as it may be, as is Life Itself.

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