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Tue

Mar

2009

It's All About The Slippers

Written by Pat Fortunato

I wanted to call this “The Case of The Really Stupid Slippers," but I am haunted by the ghost of my nitpicking editor who would have told me that the slippers themselves couldn’t be stupid, but me for choosing them, so the title would be inaccurate, misleading, and inappropriate. But I’ve worked on a lot of mysteries (I’ll tell you about Nancy Drew some day), and I love “The Case of" titles. Besides, being appropriate isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

The mystery of the stupid slippers is that I don’t like them much and yet I wear them constantly — even though I have a similar but vastly superior pair sitting in a box in my closet. (Pictured here.) Why would I do this? I’ve heard of closet cases, but this is ridiculous! We may have to call in Dr. Wong from Law & Order on this.

To complicate the case, the slippers in the box are the exact duplicates of slippers I wore out after two years. I mean, really wore out — holes-in-the-soles worn out — because I, er, slipped into them every chance I got. So if I liked them so much, why not just get another pair? Problem is, they not only don’t make ’em like they used to, they don't make them, period. Call them irreplaceable. Call me inconsolable. Call me a piano player and we'll have a song parody here . . .

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Confessions Of An Encore Bride

Written by Pat Fortunato

Although baby, it's still cold out there, this is the first day of Spring, and that's as good a time as any to talk about the subjects of l-l-l-love and m-m-m-marriage. Which two things, I can now sincerely say — without bitterness (or stuttering) — are not always mutually exclusive.

It was not always thus. My romantic escapades often played out like the words of popular songs, and if you think about it, love songs are not generally all that cheery. As in "I've Got It Bad And That Ain't Good." Enough said. As for marriage, both the groom and I have more than our share of exes, although, to our knowledge, none of them live in Texas. A good thing too, because if we wanted to gather them all together (what a thought!), we'd have to rent out Yankee Stadium.

So, in a triumph of optimism over experience, or romance over reality, we tried again, and though they said it wouldn't last (actually, nobody said this, but it sounds good), more than a year later, we're still here, still not bitter — and that ain't bad.

And so, without further ado, click read more for a column I wrote for New York Woman and which I read to the assembled masses at the reception.

(Check out the shoes: they'll feature in a upcoming blog, Nothing Is Simple, about getting it all together for the w-w- w-wedding. St-st-st-still st-st-st-stuttering when I think about that.)

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Yo, Universe!

Written by Pat Fortunato

If I were on a diet, I’d really resent hearing about those “new” plans on the market that I’d already tried. I mean, how many spins can you put on low calorie, low fat, or low carbs? Apparently, like the universe, it’s endless.

Since I don’t do diets, yet need something to rail against (I am, after all, a professional whiner), what I do allow to bug me are all the “new” philosophies that I hear about— things that have been around forever— like “The Secret,” which had viewers of Oprah in a frenzy last year.

The Secret, I’m here to tell you, to save you the expense of buying the DVD, is simple: Everything in the universe is connected, especially your thoughts, so that what you think about directly affects your life. Put another way, you get what you ask the universe to give you.

It’s not like praying or begging, but like placing an order in a catalog. (And if the universe is explanding, as Woody Allen says it is, then the choice of goodies just keeps getting bigger.) Just as you would at www.gap.com (they don't call it the worldwide web for nothing), you have to be specific. I mean, you can't just order a T-shirt, you have to choose the color, size and length of sleeves.

Likewise, you can't be vague with the universe. Saying "I want to be happy" won't cut it. You have to spell out your request/order in some detail. And after that, you have to work, sometimes really hard, to achieve your goal. That's the price you pay. Shipping and tax included.

But if you do this, you will get what you want —and that's the best deal in the universe . . .

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The Importance Of Being Silly

Written by Pat Fortunato

They’re mad at Obama. “They,” of course, are always mad at Obama. This time, it’s because he made a joke while discussing the current financial mess when he appeared on Sixty Minutes.

Now, as any idiot could tell you, he wasn’t laughing AT the financial situation, but ABOUT it. Why? Because as bad as things are, a person with a sense of humor can find something funny in almost anything. As my friend’s 104 year old Danish grandmother used to say, “It’s no laughing matter, but no matter if you laugh.”

That Billion Dollar Smile

Of course, everything Obama says is noted, quoted, inspected, dissected, and often rejected. First, he was too professorial, now he’s too flippant. Humor, when analyzed by the humorless, is always Big Trouble.

Mr. President, I feel your pain.

When I was running a small publishing company, I got a lot of grief from certain cranky clients (who shall remain nameless) for attempting little humorous asides during meetings about important issues. Issues that were making us all uptight, nervous, and unable to think clearly. I thought it was important to defuse the tension by injecting a little levity into the proceedings.
But some people just don’t get it. . .

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Oh! You're Supposed To Toss COINS!

Written by Pat Fortunato

Ah, Rome, the Eternal City. Forget about San Francisco: you can leave your heart here faster than you can say Ciao, Baby!

I, however, held on to my heart, but left my underwear.

As you may know, I am capable of losing anything. Gloves, of course, and pens and pencils, cell phones, keys, wallets, and address books, not to mention money, checks, and laundry lists, plus scarves, hats, earrings. You know, the usual.

But am I satisfied with these paltry everyday items that any idiot could lose? Not I!

Perhaps I was cursed at birth by a vindictive gypsy (perhaps I’ve been watching too many operas), but I do have a deep and abiding talent for losing virtually any thing, any place, any time. In Put That Back! I told you about the time in college when I misplaced my senior thesis and had to rewrite it from scratch using my (barely legible) notes, and got a lower grade as a result. So young, so tragic.

But the thing that has captured most people’s imagination — and the incident they want to hear about — is that I once lost my underwear, right here, near the Trevi Fountain in Rome.

Let me explain!

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Bitter Patter

AFTER A MONTH OF RERUNS

(YOU KNOW YOU LOVED THEM)
A NEW SEASON
BEGINS WITH
IS FACEBOOK DEAD?

AND CONTINUES WITH
SUPERMAN:
COOL OR CRUEL

FREE ADVICE
FOR FRESHMAN

BUT YOU CAN STILL CATCH
THE RERUNS:
THE ELEVEN STAGES
OF PACKING
AKA:I'm Packin'

BRING COLACE!
AKA: Trouble in Paradise

CIAO, BABY!
AKA:Oh, You're Supposed To Toss COINS!

FABULOUS FOURTH
AKA:Fireworks 'R Us

Meanwhile . . .
ARE YOU SMARTER
THAN BETTY WHITE?

We're on YouTube!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HvaxQfQgto0

Attn: Oliver Clark
Check out
The 13th Floor

WHAT'SWITH
"THE WEIGHT?"
Click the link on the post to see TheBand on YouTube

One-word
Movie Reviews
Past & Present:

The Kids Are All Right: "Alright!"
Despicable Me: "Delightful"
The Secret In Their Eyes: "Wow!"
SATC2: "(What) City?"
Crazy Heart: "Heartwarming"
Up!: "Uplifting!"
Hurt Locker: "Nerve-wracking"
The White Ribbon: "Brilliant"
Precious: "Semi"
Ghost Writer: "Engrossing"
A Single Man: "Poignant"
Julie & Julia: "Delicious!"
It's Complicated: "Scumptious!"
Whatever Works: "Doesn't"

Because when I am not blogging, I sometimes cook,
and because woman does not live
by martinis alone,
I like this blog:
grapesandgreens.blogspot.com

To comment on
The Bitter News
click on:
Welcome to My Blog

Scroll down to
PAT'S FAVORITES
for a blast
from the past.

Pat's Favorites

The Letter You Can't Refuse
FIREWORKS 'R US
Nothing Is Simple: Wedding Bell Blues
Decorating Disaster: It's Curtains For Me!
MY LIFE ON POST-ITS
My Night At The Pussy Cat Lounge
Yo, Universe!
Oh! You're Supposed To Toss COINS!
Life By Lottery
I've Lost It! (AKA Law and Disorder)

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It's All About The Slippers

Confessions Of An Encore Bride

Yo, Universe!

The Importance Of Being Silly

Oh! You're Supposed To Toss COINS!

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