Thu 05 Mar 2009 |
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This, believe me, is only the beginning . . . ![]() I arrived at the doctor's office bright and early this morning for a colonoscopy. Okay, it wasn't my colonoscopy: I was just accompanying my significant other, but it was yet another damn test to worry about. In the waiting room (in case you haven't noticed, there's a lot of waiting involved with medical testing), I talked to a woman who was getting her very own colonoscopy for the first time, and was very nervous. I assured her that it was an easy procedure. Easy for me; I wasn't having it done. But I had it done two years ago and will, again, next year (once you get by the prep, no problem), and in case you're worried that I don't have enough to do to fill my time until that appointment, here is a partial list of what I, as a person who is NOT EVEN SICK, will have done to my various orifices in the coming months . . . Back in the stirrups again: This year will bring at least two trips to my friendly neighborhood gynecologist, including the ever-popular internal exam complete with Pap smear. This will lead to a minimum of 3 more procedures: Drink and don't pee: (Don't try this at home.) Every year, for one reason or another, my gynecologist insists on my getting a pelvic sonogram or two, which involves drinking a lot of water so that your bladder is really, really full, so that someone can run a wand with cold, gloppy goo over your stomach and take pictures of your insides. Then you get to jump up and pee, and it's such a relief that when you come back to the examining room, you don't really mind the device that they shove up your vagina to complete the test. Although none of this actually hurts, it's nobody's idea of a good time. You probably won't want to date the technician. Ouch! Then I'll get my mammos grammed — the way they press them down CANNOT be good for me. Or them. Sigh. I endure this every year, and you should too, if you have mammos. Dem Bones: Ever since I was 50, I've been getting my bone density tested. This is my favorite procedure because there is no "prep" (euphemism for shitting your brains out) like there is for a colonoscopy, and it is entirely painless. It also turns out that I do have some bone loss, and I need to be aware of this. Open wide and say AAH. Next, an annual checkup with my primary care doctor (remember when that was the only kind?), which used to mean an hour or so of being poked and prodded, and now is all this and more. An electrocardiogram (easy) and a test for lung capacity (depressing, because every year I find out I am substandard in this department), and, invariably, recommendations for more tests and/or a referral to yet another specialist. Yechh. Last year, I got to do a lower G.I. test which involves drinking about a keg of barium-laced liquid. Think of a milkshake. That tastes like metal. Rusted metal. That's been sitting around for a long, long time. Then start drinking. And drinking. And drinking. Hell, I can't drink that much of something I like! You get to sit around in a hospital robe (don't you just love those?) with a bunch of other people taking the same or equally wonderful tests, in a room that is kept just below freezing to make sure you don't get too comfortable, and every half hour or so, they check to see if the barium is moving along. Finally, you're finished drinking, and they poke and prod you (nothing bad, but you're pretty cranky by then because this all takes four to five hours) and they take pictures of your intestines. Wallet size, anyone? I tried to imagine that the barium drinks were pina coladas and that lying on the table was lying on the beach. Ha. Annually, all this amounts to a minimum, on a good year, of one or more trips to the internist, two to the gynecologist, two or three to the gastrointerologist, three or four to various imaging facilities for sonograms, mammograms and other grams of all nations. Did I mention that my gynecologist advised that I see a urologist, because I'm getting a lot of urinary tract infections, and so he did a nasty test that showed nothing. And the gastrointerologist insisted on an endoscopy to check out my esophagus and stomach, because I have acid reflux. This turned out to be easy. No prep! I was out like a light! Almost instant recovery! They gave me a cookie, even. And my esophagus is just fine. Aren't you relieved? Other times, other tests: In previous years, in addition to all of the above I've had e-rays, cat scans, and a horrible test to determine if I had picked up parasites in my travels (it involved feces: let's not even go there). Five years ago, I was diagnosed with the possibility that I had H Pylori, which might, in the fullness of time, lead to something serious, so I had a breath test (phew, that was easy), tested positive, and took heavy doses of antibiotics for two weeks. It made me feel like the material in the parasite test, but you'll be happy to know that the follow-up test showed that my condition, whatever that was, had cleared up. The nervous lady in the office this morning told me about a "very intelligent" friend of hers who doesn't go to any doctors at all, gets no tests, presumably takes no prescription medicines, and gets away with all of it. We both wondered if that woman isn't right: I keep thinking about my sister-in-law's reaction when she first heard about getting a colonoscopy. Her exact words were, "You're going to put what, where? I think not." But here's the problem: The genie is definitely out of the orifice. Once you get on the medical treadmill, you can't get off. When you have something pointed out to you as a potential problem, it's hard to ignore the advice to get the test. How can you go against modern medical science? What if they're right? Isn't it better to be safe than sorry? Harumph. I have the feeling that all this testing is out of control (my parents, 95 and 97), take good care of their health but have never had most of these hi-tech tests). On the other hand . . . Did you all get the e-mail about Gilda Radner's Disease, a cancer of the ovaries that can be detected by a simple blood test that doctors rarely prescribe? I have already mentioned this to my gynecologist, and I don't remember if we did the test or not. I'll probably ask her to do it. Hey, this is one test that doesn't involve a single orifice. Maybe it's multiple choice. |
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Bitter Patter
NO LAUGHING MATTER:
Did Demi Moore overdose
on laughing gas??
That's what's being reported
to those of us at:
A DEVOUT COWARD
GOES TO THE DENTIST
Have you seen The Artist? Seeing it mentioned at
The Golden Globes reminded me that that not ALL movies are
Incredibly Loud!
Do NOT Google Santorum.
I warned you . . .
I did it!
I actually got that
LITTLE BLACK DRESS!
How hard was it?
Click on the link above.
I also got my iPhone.
It's great.
Thank you Steve Jobs
Wherever you are.
Just as I posted I WAS THE GIRL PHANTOM, I found a website called The Ghost Who Blogs about The Phantom comics:
http://falkonthewildside.blogspot.com
Writing Comics. . .
Was a small but wonderful part of my checkered career, and doing a post about it brought back a lot of great memories. If you know any other women in NYC who wrote — or are writing — comics, tell me how to get in touch with them.
I'm on a watching-old-movies kick these days.
Great way to lose yourself.
If you're lucky, you'll never be found.
REVIEWS TO PERUSE
I'm All Right, Jack:
"Jack" is not just all right, it's totally delightful and fresh as a daisy after all these years (made in 1959), with Sellers, although not technically the lead, giving the brilliant performance that launched him as an international star. He plays an all-too-zealous union leader and father of a blonde bombshell who falls for Stanley, the British Upper Class Twit played, also to perfection, by Ian Carmichael, who you might remember from the Lord Peter Wimsey series. The makeout scenes between the the Twit and the Bombshell are priceless. But what is Stanley doing in this working class atmosphere anyway? Working. And too well at that. Forced by financial circumstances too dreary to discuss, he gets a job in his uncle's factory and messes things up for the other workers by, well, working, and thus making his fellow employees look bad. The film takes a big shot at unions — but also at management: they are manipulating white-collar thieves who'll do anything for a buck. Or a pound. Except for the ones, like Major Hitchcock, played by Terry Thomas, who are just plain lazy and inept. Needless to say, Stanley foils everybody's plans, labor and management alike, to my great joy and delight. Oh, and on top of everything else, Margaret Rutherford plays dotty dowager Aunt Dolly. Delicious!
The Big Lebowski:
What can you say that hasn't been said before: brilliant, inspired, with some of the most memorable lines ever to come out of a movie, the most quoted being "The Dude abides." Oh yes. For anyone who hasn't yet seen the film, and it's now out in a special Blu-Ray edition if that floats your bowling ball. The Dude in question, played to perfection by Jeff Bridges, is an out-of-work pothead who is roughed up and has his rug destroyed by some thugs mistaking him for another, bigger, Lebowski. The Dude is really upset about this because, man, "that rug really tied the room together," which The Dude says with all seriousness and not a trace of irony, a great comic touch considering the condition his condition is in. Oh, and besides "Just Dropped In," all the music is perfect for the film. The plot, according to Wikipedia, which has been known to be wrong, is "loosely based on Raymond chandler's novel, The Big Sleep." Could be. But who cares. It involves a bowling competition, "the occasional acid flashback," a trophy wife, a group of German nihilists, a kidnapping gone awry, a mad millionaire and his lackey, in another great performance by Philip Seymour Hoffman. Actually, they're all great performances. Never a fan of John Goodman before or since, he is brilliant in this film. And so are John Turturro, overacting his little heart out, Steve Buscemi in a nerdy, needy role that makes you marvel at his star turn in Boardwalk Empire, and even the actors in the smaller parts, especially Julianne Moore and Sam Elliott. Elliott plays The Stranger (God? Everyman? The part of us that roots for the bad boy?) who elicits from Bridges the immortal words, "The Dude abides." Which prompts The Stranger to comment to the audience: "Don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals." We'll never know about the bowling trophy because there's never been a sequel to this 1998 film by the great Coen Brothers, and I hope there never will be. It just abides, as all great films do.
Prince of the City:
Okay, the criticisms of this movie are not totally unfounded: it's too long, and Treat Williams may have overacted a bit, although I found him so deliciously charming I couldn't care less, and there's one part concerning the Jerry Orbach character I just didn't understand. But get over it, The New Yorker, this is one powerful movie. And yes, Dog Day Afternoon it isn't, but what it? The DVD has a great special feature with Williams (I so want to call him Treat) and Sidney (what the hell: I once made a meatloaf sandwich for the man) that explains a lot about filmmaking in general and this movie in particular. Also, Sidney's views on good and evil, and how things are not so black and white as you think. I loved it.
Bad Day At Black Rock:
Recommended on TCM by Robert Osbourne as a film he originally had no interest in seeing, then loved it, and by Alex Baldwin, who pointed out the great actors in the cast, including Lee Marvin, Ernest Brognine and Dean Jagger. Well, after all that, I had to like it, right? I did. A lot. It was a Good Day On My Couch.
Behind the Scenes Stuff: Spencer Tracey was off drinking and wouldn't commit to the film until the producers (who wanted him desperately) told him that they had Alan Ladd, at which point Tracey grabbed it. He was perfect for the part, wearing a dark suit and tie the entire time in a western setting, pulling it off perfectly. Other than that "fashion statement," the film makes a strong case against racism: the hatred of the Japanese during WW2. See it.
Song of The Thin Man:
I usually like these frothy, silly, suave, utter unrealistic films from the 30s and 40s, with William Powell and Myrna Loy as the couple we'd all like to be — if only we had the looks, brains, money, a huge capacity for drinking and a dog like Asta. But this one was a stinker, rather than a stinger, or maybe a sinker, because it turned out to be the last, not to mention the least, in the series. Watch any of the others four sequels, but not this one: Even the pooch jumped the shark.
The Children's Hour:
It had its moments, and just looking at Audrey Hepburn makes life worth living, but mostly I kept thinking that the play, by Lillian Hellman, was so much better. It's about two young women runing a school for girls, who are accused by a hateful little brat of being (GASP!) lesbians. And although the closest we get in this 1961 production to using that actual term is the word "unnatural," it's enough to ruin their lives. A young Shirley McClaine is worth seeing in this, and James Garner, and Audrey Hepburn is, well, Audrey Hepburn. The rumor of the love that dare not speak its name is totally untrue — or is it? And I'll say no more, because you should see the movie for yourself, imperfect as it may be, as is Life Itself.
by martinis alone,
I like this blog:
grapesandgreens.blogspot.com
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Comments
And how about the stress, not of getting there on time, which I usually do, but waiting endlessly in doctor's offices because they are always running late! You could always take a nap, but Chris, I don't think this is what you meant by resting in peace. . .
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