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May

2009

With A Thong In My Heart

Written by Pat Fortunato

Buying a bathing suit: Somehow, I feel that I don’t have to say another word. And yet I must.

Certain adjectives come springingly to mind: dreaded, humiliating, humbling (not exactly the same as humiliating), life-negating, tiring, stressful. Please feel free to join in!
There are nouns, too: Disaster, disappointment, defeat, compromise, frustration, failure, basket case.
The sentences are worse than an undeserved prison term:
I came, I tried, I wept.
I came, I saw myself in the 3-way mirror, I fled.
I came, I saw a lot of suits, none of them fit.

And that's not the whole horrible story . . .

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Madame Ovary . . . Is Me!

Written by Pat Fortunato

My alleged book club (we are a hard group to get on the same page) is reading Madame Bovary. Or trying to. Geez Louise, it’s dense! FYI, the name of our little group is the Geez Louise International Book Club, or GLIB. We do have a Louise, and we once had an international member, but she has returned to Italy. Was it something we read?

Anyway, the author Gustave Flaubert was constantly asked the question, Who is Madame Bovary? Was she based on a real person —his sometime mistress, perhaps? A totally fictional character —his less-than ideal woman? Mais non, he said, she is none of these! Pressed beyond endurance, he gave his infamous answer: Madame Bovary, c’est moi.

It’s me? I mean, it’s him? Really? Nobody seems to know what that means: Does Emma represent everyman, er, woman? (He can't have meant it literally, could he?) Maybe it doesn't mean anything: he must have been sick and tired of discussing that book when all his others were being virtually ignored, and could have just said something to shut us all up. We’ll never know. But I was listening to a tape last night about the world’s greatest novels (Sorry, Gustave, but Bovary really was your best shot), which discussed Emma’s faults — her fatal flaws, actually — that led directly to her really nasty downfall.

Unfortunately, her sins sound very familiar. A lot like mine. Yikes! And maybe like yours . . .

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Decorating Disaster: It's Curtains For Me!

Written by Pat Fortunato

I saw it on a Dr. Phil show, so it must be true. There’s a syndrome, I don’t remember the name, whereby something in the future seems like a good idea, but when it gets closer, not so much. The show was about marriage and the men who avoid it, but my complex is about curtains. (Where is Jill Zarin when you need her?) Or, more broadly, it's about decorating.

When we moved into this apartment, we planned a “Before” and “After” party. We threw the first one before the furniture had arrived (more room for dancing and carrying on), with pictures pinned on the walls showing what would end up where (a Tiffany lamp here, an Oriental rug there, some bookcases by the fireplace).

We even had a contest for the best decorating tip, with a bottle of champagne as the prize. The winner was: a lap pool in the hallway between the bedrooms. Great idea, but it never happened.

And as you may have guessed, neither did the “After” party . . .

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My Shoe Story: Why Size Matters

Written by Pat Fortunato

I almost didn’t post anything today, because I’ve been too busy shopping on line for shoes. Why would

someone with more shoes than Imelda Marcos need more? If you’re a woman, I don’t have to explain. But why would someone in Manhattan, the home of Shoe Mania, literally, use the Internet for shoes? Two words (and a fraction): 6½ Narrow.

Yes, there are size 6½ shoes out there, and yes, Virginia, there are narrow widths (is that an oxymoron?), but rarely, if ever, do they occur in the same shoe. Almost never in styles that you'd actually want to wear. A recent visit to E-Bay (I was truly desperate) produced hundreds of shoes, but exactly one in 6½N. A lizard-like number in a pink, green, and yellow pattern. Just what I needed!

What I need are the shoes that every other woman in New York seems to have: easygoing black slides, sandals and sling backs, colorful flats. What I have is a closetful of not-quite-right or downright awful shoes purchased in desperation. Plus a handful (footful?) of real winners, worn to a pulp, which will never be thrown out in my lifetime. Ironic, isn’t it, that someone who has so much trouble finding shoes has so many. But life is nothing if not ironic, don't you think . . .

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MY LIFE ON POST-ITS

Written by Pat Fortunato

Who are Larry & Chuck?
I have absolutely no idea, although I’ve been wracking my brains all morning. But there it is — on a cute little orange post-it: "Larry and Chuck," with "2nd" written under the names.

I’d better figure it out soon because it’s on my calendar for today.

This post-it could mean anything, and trust me, that I can’t think of any Larry & Chuck in my life is totally irrelevant. "2nd" could be second floor. Where? In my building? At my gym? Somewhere in this vast and varied city? Maybe I made an appointment to look at wholesale leather jackets in the garment district, and Larry and Chuck are my guys. Maybe not. I haven’t had a contact there in years, and the mediocre quality of my current jacket proves it.

Could it be a TV show? Yeah, but not even I would write 2nd, rather than Channel 2. Or chan2, which I could interpret as “change to.” Change to what? One thing it can’t be is the 2nd of the month, because it's "posted" on the 9th. Looks like I'm going to miss the whole thing. Whatever the whole thing is . . .

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Bitter Patter

Thanks for all your great comments on
the one-year anniversary of
I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M NOT BITTER®!

When I'm not writing blogs, I sometimes actually cook.
I also drink wine. (A girl does not live by martinis alone.)
So, I'm happy to direct you to a great new blog about food and wine
to help you eat better and not become bitter:
grapesandgreens.blogspot.com

DID YOU KNOW?
Puppy Mama & Daddy
have decided what to call their precious pooch.
Click on Name That Puppy! Then scroll down to the last comment.

One-Word
Movie Reviews:
Hurt Locker: "Nerve-wracking"
Ghost Writer: "Engrossing"
A Single Man: "Poignant"
Julie & Julia: "Delicious!"
Whatever Works: "Doesn't."
Paris: "Magnifique!"

Go to "Welcome to My Blog" under MENU
to leave a comment about anything in
BITTER PATTER.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M NOT BITTER®
is a registered trademark of
Pat Fortunato

Upcoming Articles

COMING SOON:

A Special "Encore"
Post In Time For
St. Patrick's Day —
MEN IN SHIRTS:
The Short Version

WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE!
Ladies and Gentlemen,
I say inaccurately,
your vocabulary is in the toilet!

MULTI TASKING:
The Saga Continues
By A Guest Blogger
To Be Announced

Pat's Favorites

The Letter You Can't Refuse
FIREWORKS 'R US
Nothing Is Simple: Wedding Bell Blues
With A Thong In My Heart
Decorating Disaster: It's Curtains For Me!
MY LIFE ON POST-ITS
My Night At The Pussy Cat Lounge
Yo, Universe!
Oh! You're Supposed To Toss COINS!
Life By Lottery
Men In Skirts
I've Lost It! (AKA Law and Disorder)

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Woman around town

Bill McCay

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Latest Comments

MEN IN SKIRTS: The Short Versi...
Oh, you're so right. And those long bathing suits....
MEN IN SKIRTS: The Short Versi...
I don't know about skirts/kilts, but I hate that l...
MEN IN SKIRTS: The Short Versi...
So? Did he have good legs?
MEN IN SKIRTS: The Short Versi...
See? Guys! War! Skirts wouldn't change anything. S...
MEN IN SKIRTS: The Short Versi...
Once I saw a guy wearing just a raincoat. But why ...
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you are right - it will only happen to a few at sp...
Cleanliness Is Next To Impossi...
Lenny, I am in tough with Nan, she got married and...
Cleanliness Is Next To Impossi...
PS, Lenny, it was Amherst, All American Tennis?
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Hi Susan what a small world, of course i remember ...
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Yes, it is you. Ha, you're right, that IS your las...

With A Thong In My Heart

Madame Ovary . . . Is Me!

Decorating Disaster: It's Curtains For Me!

My Shoe Story: Why Size Matters

MY LIFE ON POST-ITS

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