buying a bathing suit, tankinis, bikinis, the coverups are nice this year

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2009

May

With A Thong In My Heart

Buying a bathing suit: Somehow, I feel that I don’t have to say another word. And yet I must.

Certain adjectives come springingly to mind: dreaded, humiliating, humbling (not exactly the same as humiliating), life-negating, tiring, stressful. Please feel free to join in!
There are nouns, too: Disaster, disappointment, defeat, compromise, frustration, failure, basket case.
The sentences are worse than an undeserved prison term:
I came, I tried, I wept.
I came, I saw myself in the 3-way mirror, I fled.
I came, I saw a lot of suits, none of them fit.

And that's not the whole horrible story . . .

Sadism, Masochism, And One Ray Of Sunshine

The people who design bathing suits for women are sadists.
Every year, they decide that a certain style or cut is in, and
you’re stuck with it whether it fits or not. It never fits.

Last year, it was the halter-top. If you’re flat on top, it just lies
there, looking useless. If you’re big, you hang out. You want
to hang out on the beach, not out of your bathing suit.
I hate halters.

For a while, the bottoms were being cut higher and higher,
higher and higher, higher and higher. This was supposed to
“elongate the leg.” What it did was show more cellulite. Now,
the bottoms are cut a bit fuller, and some suits even have
ruffles on the bottom. Do you remember the pictures in the
children’s books of elephants in tutus? If you try on one of
these, you will.

The people who run the bathing suit departments are also
sadists.There are so many suits, you can’t believe there isn’t
ONE that will work. There isn’t one.

But nevertheless, you take 20 or 30 into the dressing room.
One lives in hope. Or masochism. H'mm. Perhaps necessity is
not so much the mother of invention, but of masochism?
Surely, in this situation, it is.

The people who design dressing rooms are the worst kind of
sadists. The lighting makes everything (and I mean everything)
look hideous. Then just when you thought that it couldn’t get any
worse, it gets worse:

If the top fits, the bottom doesn’t.
If the cut is good, the color isn’t.
If the style is nice, they don’t have your size.

I hate men. Actually, unlike those lyrics from Kiss Me Kate, (I'd like
someone to kiss something at this point), I CAN abide them every
now and then. Most of the time, actually, thank you very much, but
NOT when I'm shopping for a bathing suit. Men have three or four
choices: small, medium, large, and sometimes extra large. Speedos
are pretty much out (except for certain beaches in the Caribbean
and that weird guy on Real Housewives of New York), so the big
style choice is long or short. Most colors come in most sizes. And
they are IN ORDER on the rack!

Women, on the other, have to deal with the messes made by the
Women Who Have Come Before Them, those poor, disheartened and
desperate souls, who, quite understandably have changed the order
of things by frantically rifling through the racks, searching for something
—anything!—that might conceivably fit. We must scrounge for our sizes,
which is similar to, but worse than, having to sing for your supper.

Tanks For The Memories
("Tanks For The Mammaries," while punny, doesn't exactly . . . fit.)

Somehow, in the midst of all this insanity, someone invented the tankini.
And let's face it ladies, at a certain point, you really have to give up on bikinis,
cute as they look on the hangers. I like tankinis, because they’re cooler (both
literally and figuratively) than one piece suits, and they're much easier to deal
with when you have to go to the bathroom. Pulling down the whole suit
while sitting there doing whatever you're doing is not a pretty sight.

When you're standing up, they hide your middle. And then, when you’re lying
in the sun —if, after all this trauma, you actually make it to the beach —
you're in a prone position where things don’t hang out so much, so you can
raise the bottom of the top (is that clear?) and get some sun on your midriff.
Use sunscreen! You’re really, really white in the middle from being indoors all
winter and from wearing all those one-piece suits, and getting some color there
helps your morale. All things considered, tanned flab looks better than pale flab.
You knew that.

Unfortunately, the latest trend is having the tops and bottoms of tankinis (and
bikinis) sold as “separates,” which get, well, separated, so that when you’ve
finally found the perfect top (“perfect” may be too strong a word here), you can’t
find the bottom that goes with it.

Oh well. As you know, here at I Can’t Believe I’m Not Bitter, we always
like to put on a positive spin on even the most dire situation.

Here’s one: Last year, I bought a cute black and white top from Micheal Kors on
sale at Saks. Okay, it was a halter, but it either fit, or I didn’t have the strength
to notice that it didn’t — after exhausting the entire selection at Bloomies and
Lord and Taylor — and that top goes with the black bottom from last year’s suit.
What is it with black and white patterns? Do they really make you look crisper, or
younger, or have I been out in the sun too long? Does it matter? The point is,
I did it! I bought a bathing suit. Or half of one anyway. And it was a bargain on
top (or bottom).

Okay, that may not work for you. Besides, you need a spin of your own.
So try these on for size:
•I never liked the beach anyway.
•The mountains are so much nicer this time of year.
•No one else is looking that great either.
•He loves me for my mind.
•After an hour in the sun, I won’t give a damn.

Or fall back on my all-time favorite:

•Thank god, the cover-ups are cute this season.

FYI: Hats and sunglasses help, too.They divert attention.

And if all else fails. . . Have your picture taken by someone who knows Photoshop. Then convince yourself that you really look like that!

Parts of this article appeared in www.womanaroundtown.com where I write a humor column.

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Comments

0 # Deb 2009-05-07 09:12

Well, that was an enjoyable read! But, at the same time ... not. :-) I haven't actually tried on a bathing suit (or worn one) in many years. I haven't been in a pool either. For me, it's usually a swimming hole or a dunk in a lake, so I jump in with shorts and t-shirt ... or just the t-shirt ... or neither, depending on the remoteness. Anyhow, what a fun blog. I shall return. ~Deb

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0 # Pat 2009-05-07 09:34

There's always a solution, Deb, and you found . . .several. Thanks for the comment, and
as for returning to the blog, just dive right inâ??there's no dress code here!

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0 # Eloise Flood 2009-05-08 09:57

No! Don't do it! RESIST THE BATHING SUIT!

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0 # debbie 2009-06-15 07:20

I'm laughing and it's 8am in the morning. Everything you said is sooo true....the tankini is the best for me black bottom with the little skirt. . . it's really ok not great but ok and I just change the top ... lol. . . this was fun...thanks .......debbie

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0 # Pat 2009-06-15 10:01

To Debbie: It make me feel great that I had you laughing at 8 AM â??while I was still asleep! And yes, when it comes to bathing suits, not great but okay is actually . . . great.

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0 # Suzan 2009-06-23 10:54

Pat,
Does OMAR have a store in the city?

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0 # Pat 2009-06-23 11:01

Omar? As in the . . . Tentmaker? Now THAT'S a solution!

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0 # Joseph C. Triolo 2009-06-25 10:29

Wish I lived back in NEW YORK where it seems all the action is, just for a day or so!!!! I plan on visiting my brother Vic this summer out in the South Fork, to do some Fly Fishing with him, when his house is not rented for an ungodly amount of money. I love your writing and know it so well... its just an extension of that great quick witted mind of yours that I have grown up with and admired ever since we sat on the swings and Manor Oaks Elementary school and explored the sexual possibilities that two 8 year old could have. You where always too advanced for shy little old me.....and now that we are old and gray and I could keep pace with you, you go and take that step again.I am looking forward to seeing some of your articles in that new men's magazine starting up in NY call Men about town. Your view point will be interesting I really need to find out how to buy the proper bathing suit for a guy my age. I love you Pat keep up all the good work. Keep the great writing and humor coming God knows we need it in this day and age. Joseph

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0 # Pat 2009-06-25 10:47

Shy little you? Shy? Well, maybe. . . But little? Never. Honestly, Joe, I don't remember anything sexual going on at the swings. But then, I don't remember what I had for breakfast this morning. Is that where the expression "swinging" came from? Never mind. I love you too, and love hearing from you, but PLEASE never call us Old and Gray again! Both me and my hairdresser take issue with that. All those bottles of Clairol: have I dyed in vain???

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0 # Susan Schuander 2009-10-22 13:09

When I was in my early 20's and had what I thought was a killer bod, I was at Club Med and was looking in the basket for a bikini, when upon I found, a large bottom and small top, white, skimpy, it fit perfectly. I was so happy and related the story to those Club Meddies and all one guy said was that he'd love to meet the woman who bought the other "half"! PS, I am very slim hipped, and the large bottom was plenty small. No big boobs though. Challenging times.

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