Sun

31

May

2009

With A Thong In My Heart
Written by Pat Fortunato   
dreamstime_4046927.jpgBuying a bathing suit: Somehow, I feel that I don’t have to say another word. And yet I must.

Certain adjectives come springingly to mind: dreaded, humiliating, humbling (not exactly the same as humiliating), life-negating, tiring, stressful. Please feel free to join in! 

There are nouns, too: Disaster, disappointment, defeat, compromise, frustration, failure, basket case.

The sentences are worse than an undeserved prison term:
I came, I tried, I wept.
I came, I saw myself in the 3-way mirror, I fled.
I came, I saw a lot of suits, none of them fit.

 And that's not the whole horrible story . . .

Sadism, Masochism, And One Ray Of Sunshine


The people who design bathing suits for women are sadists. Every year, they decide that a certain style or cut is in, and you’re stuck with it whether it fits or not. It never fits.

Last year, it was the halter-top. If you’re flat on top, it just lies  there, looking useless. If you’re big, you hang out. You want  to hang out on the beach, not out of your bathing suit. I hate halters.

For a while, the bottoms were being cut higher and higher, higher and higher, higher and higher. This was supposed to “elongate the leg.” What it did was show more cellulite. Now,  the bottoms are cut a bit fuller, and some suits even have  ruffles on the bottom. Do you remember the pictures in the children’s books of elephants in tutus? If you try on one of  these, you will.

The people who run the bathing suit departments are also sadists.There are so many suits, you can’t believe there isn’t  ONE that will work. There isn’t one.

But nevertheless, you take 20 or 30 into the dressing room. One lives in hope. Or masochism. H'mm. Perhaps necessity is  not so much the mother of invention, but of masochism?  Surely, in this situation, it is.

The people who design dressing rooms are the worst kind of  sadists. The lighting makes everything (and I mean everything)  look hideous. Then just when you thought that it couldn’t get any worse, it gets worse:

If the top fits, the bottom doesn’t.  If the cut is good, the color isn’t. If the style is nice, they don’t have your size.

I hate men. Actually, unlike those lyrics from Kiss Me Kate, (I'd like someone to kiss something at this point), I CAN abide them every now and then. Most of the time, actually, thank you very much, but
NOT when I'm shopping for a bathing suit. Men have three or four choices: small, medium, large, and sometimes extra large. Speedos are pretty much out (except for certain beaches in the Caribbean
and that weird guy on Real Housewives of New York), so the big style choice is long or short. Most colors come in most sizes. And they are IN ORDER on the rack!

Women, on the other, have to deal with the messes made by the Women Who Have Come Before Them, those poor, disheartened and desperate souls, who, quite understandably have changed the order
of things by frantically rifling through the racks, searching for something —anything!—that might conceivably fit. We must scrounge for our sizes, which is similar to, but worse than, having to sing for your supper.

Tanks For The Memories
("Tanks For The Mammaries," while punny, doesn't exactly... fit.) Somehow, in the midst of all this insanity, someone invented the tankini. And let's face it ladies, at a certain point, you really have to give up on bikinis, cute as they look on the hangers. I like tankinis, because they’re cooler (both literally and figuratively) than one piece suits, and they're much easier to deal with when you have to go to the bathroom. Pulling down the whole suit while sitting there doing whatever you're doing is not a pretty sight.

When you're standing up, they hide your middle. And then, when you’re lying in the sun - if, after all this trauma, you actually make it to the beach -  you're in a prone position where things don’t hang out so much, so you can raise the bottom of the top (is that clear?) and get some sun on your midriff.
Use sunscreen! You’re really, really white in the middle from being indoors all winter and from wearing all those one-piece suits, and getting some color there helps your morale. All things considered, tanned flab looks better than pale flab. You knew that.

Unfortunately, the latest trend is having the tops and bottoms of tankinis (and bikinis) sold as “separates,” which get, well, separated, so that when you’ve finally found the perfect top (“perfect” may be too strong a word here), you can’t find the bottom that goes with it.

Oh well. As you know, here at I Can’t Believe I’m Not Bitter, we always like to put on a positive spin on even the most dire situation. Here’s one: Last year, I bought a cute black and white top from Micheal Kors on sale at Saks. Okay, it was a halter, but it either fit, or I didn’t have the strength to notice that it didn’t  - after exhausting the entire selection at Bloomies and Lord and Taylor - and that top goes with the black bottom from last year’s suit.

What is it with black and white patterns? Do they really make you look crisper, or younger, or have I been out in the sun too long? Does it matter? The point is, I did it! I bought a bathing suit. Or half of one anyway. And it was a bargain on top (or bottom).

Okay, that may not work for you. Besides, you need a spin of your own. So try these on for size:
 • I never liked the beach anyway.
• The mountains are so much nicer this time of year.
• No one else is looking that great either.
• He loves me for my mind.
• After an hour in the sun, I won’t give a damn.

pat_cover_up.jpg Or fall back on my all-time favorite:

• Thank god, the cover-ups are cute this season.

FYI: Hats and sunglasses help, too.They divert attention.

And if all else fails...Have your picture taken by someone who knows Photoshop. Then convince yourself that you really look like that!

Parts of this article appeared in www.womanaroundtown.com where I write a humor column.

 
This is a threaded commenting system. click [Reply to this comment] for your comment to be underneath the comment you're replying to.

Comments  

 
0 # Deb 2009-05-07 04:12
Well, that was an enjoyable read! But, at the same time ... not. :-) I haven't actually tried on a bathing suit (or worn one) in many years. I haven't been in a pool either. For me, it's usually a swimming hole or a dunk in a lake, so I jump in with shorts and t-shirt ... or just the t-shirt ... or neither, depending on the remoteness. Anyhow, what a fun blog. I shall return. ~Deb
Reply | Reply with quote | Quote
 
 
0 # Pat 2009-05-07 04:34
There's always a solution, Deb, and you found . . .several. Thanks for the comment, and
as for returning to the blog, just dive right inâ??there's no dress code here!
Reply | Reply with quote | Quote
 
 
0 # Eloise Flood 2009-05-08 04:57
No! Don't do it! RESIST THE BATHING SUIT!
Reply | Reply with quote | Quote
 
 
0 # debbie 2009-06-15 02:20
I'm laughing and it's 8am in the morning. Everything you said is sooo true....the tankini is the best for me black bottom with the little skirt. . . it's really ok not great but ok and I just change the top ... lol. . . this was fun...thanks .......debbie
Reply | Reply with quote | Quote
 
 
0 # Pat 2009-06-15 05:01
To Debbie: It make me feel great that I had you laughing at 8 AM â??while I was still asleep! And yes, when it comes to bathing suits, not great but okay is actually . . . great.
Reply | Reply with quote | Quote
 
 
0 # Suzan 2009-06-23 05:54
Pat,
Does OMAR have a store in the city?
Reply | Reply with quote | Quote
 
 
0 # Pat 2009-06-23 06:01
Omar? As in the . . . Tentmaker? Now THAT'S a solution!
Reply | Reply with quote | Quote
 
 
0 # Joseph C. Triolo 2009-06-25 05:29
Wish I lived back in NEW YORK where it seems all the action is, just for a day or so!!!! I plan on visiting my brother Vic this summer out in the South Fork, to do some Fly Fishing with him, when his house is not rented for an ungodly amount of money. I love your writing and know it so well... its just an extension of that great quick witted mind of yours that I have grown up with and admired ever since we sat on the swings and Manor Oaks Elementary school and explored the sexual possibilities that two 8 year old could have. You where always too advanced for shy little old me.....and now that we are old and gray and I could keep pace with you, you go and take that step again.I am looking forward to seeing some of your articles in that new men's magazine starting up in NY call Men about town. Your view point will be interesting I really need to find out how to buy the proper bathing suit for a guy my age. I love you Pat keep up all the good work. Keep the great writing and humor coming God knows we need it in this day and age. Joseph
Reply | Reply with quote | Quote
 
 
0 # Pat 2009-06-25 05:47
Shy little you? Shy? Well, maybe. . . But little? Never. Honestly, Joe, I don't remember anything sexual going on at the swings. But then, I don't remember what I had for breakfast this morning. Is that where the expression "swinging" came from? Never mind. I love you too, and love hearing from you, but PLEASE never call us Old and Gray again! Both me and my hairdresser take issue with that. All those bottles of Clairol: have I dyed in vain???
Reply | Reply with quote | Quote
 
 
0 # Susan Schuander 2009-10-22 08:09
When I was in my early 20's and had what I thought was a killer bod, I was at Club Med and was looking in the basket for a bikini, when upon I found, a large bottom and small top, white, skimpy, it fit perfectly. I was so happy and related the story to those Club Meddies and all one guy said was that he'd love to meet the woman who bought the other "half"! PS, I am very slim hipped, and the large bottom was plenty small. No big boobs though. Challenging times.
Reply | Reply with quote | Quote
 

Add comment

Notify me of follow-up comments

Blog Roll

Comments

My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!

Bitter Patter

NO LAUGHING MATTER:

Did Demi Moore overdose
on laughing gas?? 
That's what's being reported
to those of us at:

A DEVOUT COWARD 
GOES TO THE DENTIST

Have you seen The Artist? Seeing it mentioned at
The Golden Globes reminded me that that not ALL movies are 
Incredibly Loud! 

Do NOT Google Santorum.
I warned you . . .

 I did it!
I actually got that 

LITTLE BLACK DRESS!

How hard was it?
Click on the link above
.

I also got my iPhone.
It's great.
Thank you Steve Jobs
Wherever you are.

  Just as I posted I WAS THE GIRL PHANTOM, I found a website called The Ghost Who Blogs about The Phantom comics:

http://falkonthewildside.blogspot.com

Writing Comics. . .
Was a small but wonderful part of my checkered career, and doing a post about it  brought back a lot of great memories. If you know any other women in NYC who wrote — or are writing — comics, tell me how to get in touch with them. 

I'm on a watching-old-movies kick these days.
Great way to lose yourself.
If you're lucky, you'll never be found. 

REVIEWS TO PERUSE

I'm All Right, Jack:
"Jack" is not just all right, it's totally delightful and fresh as a daisy after all these years (made in 1959), with Sellers, although not technically the lead, giving the brilliant performance that launched him as an international star. He plays an all-too-zealous union leader and father of a blonde bombshell who falls for Stanley, the British Upper Class Twit played, also to perfection, by Ian Carmichael, who you might remember from the Lord Peter Wimsey series. The makeout scenes between the the Twit and the Bombshell are priceless. But what is Stanley doing in this working class atmosphere anyway? Working. And too well at that. Forced by financial circumstances too dreary to discuss, he gets a job in his uncle's factory and messes things up for the other workers by, well, working, and thus making his fellow employees look bad. The film takes a big shot at unions — but also at management: they are manipulating white-collar thieves who'll do anything for a buck. Or a pound. Except for the ones, like Major Hitchcock, played by Terry Thomas, who are just plain lazy and inept. Needless to say, Stanley foils everybody's plans, labor and management alike, to my great joy and delight. Oh, and on top of everything else, Margaret Rutherford plays dotty dowager Aunt Dolly. Delicious!

 The Big Lebowski:
What can you say that hasn't been said before: brilliant, inspired, with some of the most memorable lines ever to come out of a movie, the most quoted being "The Dude abides." Oh yes. For anyone who hasn't yet seen the film, and it's now out in a special Blu-Ray edition if that floats your bowling ball. The Dude in question,  played to perfection by Jeff Bridges, is an out-of-work pothead who is roughed up and has his rug destroyed by some thugs mistaking him for another, bigger, Lebowski. The Dude is really upset about this because, man, "that rug really tied the room together," which The Dude says with all seriousness and not a trace of irony, a great comic touch considering the condition his condition is in.  Oh, and besides "Just Dropped In," all the music is perfect for the film. The plot, according to Wikipedia, which has been known to be wrong, is "loosely based on Raymond chandler's novel, The Big Sleep." Could be. But who cares. It involves a bowling competition, "the occasional acid flashback," a trophy wife, a group of German nihilists, a kidnapping gone awry, a mad millionaire and his lackey, in another great performance by Philip Seymour Hoffman. Actually, they're all great performances. Never a fan of John Goodman before or since, he is brilliant in this film. And so are John Turturro, overacting his little heart out, Steve Buscemi in a nerdy, needy role that makes you marvel at his star turn in Boardwalk Empire, and even the actors in the smaller parts, especially Julianne Moore and Sam Elliott. Elliott plays The Stranger (God? Everyman? The part of us that roots for the bad boy?) who elicits from Bridges the immortal words, "The Dude abides." Which prompts The Stranger to comment to the audience: "Don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals." We'll never know about the bowling trophy because there's never been a sequel to this 1998 film by the great Coen Brothers, and I hope there never will be. It just abides, as all great films do.

Prince of the City:
Okay, the criticisms of this movie are not totally unfounded: it's too long, and Treat Williams may have overacted a bit, although I found him so deliciously charming I couldn't care less, and there's one part concerning the Jerry Orbach character I just didn't understand. But get over it, The New Yorker, this is one powerful movie. And yes, Dog Day Afternoon it isn't, but what it? The DVD has a great special feature with Williams (I so want to call him Treat) and Sidney (what the hell: I once made a meatloaf sandwich for the man) that explains a lot about filmmaking in general and this movie in particular. Also, Sidney's views on good and evil, and how things are not so black and white as you think. I loved it.

Bad Day At Black Rock:
Recommended on TCM by Robert Osbourne as a film he originally had no interest in seeing, then loved it, and by Alex Baldwin, who pointed out the great actors in the cast, including Lee Marvin, Ernest Brognine and Dean Jagger. Well, after all that, I had to like it, right?  I did. A lot. It was a Good Day On My Couch.
Behind the Scenes Stuff: Spencer Tracey was off drinking and wouldn't commit to the film until the producers (who wanted him desperately) told him that they had Alan Ladd, at which point Tracey grabbed it.  He was perfect for the part, wearing a dark suit and tie the entire time in a western setting,  pulling it off perfectly. Other than that "fashion statement," the film makes a strong case against racism: the hatred of the Japanese during WW2. See it.

Song of The Thin Man:
I usually like these frothy, silly, suave, utter unrealistic films from the 30s and 40s, with William Powell and Myrna Loy as the couple we'd all like to be — if only we had the looks, brains, money, a huge capacity for drinking and a dog like Asta. But this one was a stinker, rather than a stinger, or maybe a sinker, because  it turned out to be the last, not to mention the least, in the series. Watch any of the others four sequels, but not this one: Even the pooch jumped the shark.

The Children's Hour:
It had its moments, and just looking at Audrey Hepburn makes life worth living, but mostly I kept thinking that the play, by Lillian Hellman, was so much better. It's about two young women runing a school for girls, who are accused by a hateful little brat of being (GASP!) lesbians. And although the closest we get in this 1961 production to using that actual term is the word "unnatural," it's enough to ruin their lives.  A young Shirley McClaine is worth seeing in this, and James Garner, and Audrey Hepburn is, well, Audrey Hepburn. The rumor of the love that dare not speak its name is totally untrue — or is it? And I'll say no more, because you should see the movie for yourself, imperfect as it may be, as is Life Itself.

Because when I am not blogging, I sometimes cook,
and because woman does not live
by martinis alone,
I like this blog:

grapesandgreens.blogspot.com

To comment on
BITTER PATTER
Click on:
Welcome To My Blog


Scroll down to
PAT'S FAVORITES
for a blast
from the past.
rssfeedV2