Sat

03

Apr

2010

The Mess On My Desk
Written by Pat Fortunato   
woman-officeclutter_copy.jpgI have this mountain of work piled up on my desk, but my horoscope says:
"Sit back and watch the world go by today." Hmm. As an Aquarius, I tend to take these things seriously. So what's a girl to do?

The horoscope adds that even though the sun is about to leave my birth sign (oh no!), I should not try to "cram in as much extra work as possible over the next 24 hours." Phew! I don't have to? What a relief!

The thing is that a) the horoscope was from last week, but I like it so much I'm going to make it my NEW OFFICIAL HOROSCOPE FOREVER: NOHOPE4EVR. And b) it's not that I'm trying to cram in work, it's just that, duh, there's too damn much of it.

I don't work full time these days, yet my desk is in worse shape than when I was running a business. How is that even possible?

Of course, back then I had people. When my desk was a mess, I called in the troops and distributed things. They really loved me for that. Some of the stuff would end up back on my desk, but if I waited long enough, it was Too Late to do anything about it.

Still happens. Announcements of openings long past, the special deals on plays with deadlines months ago, the chance to save 70% or more at Lord & Taylor, February 18-20 only! Whoops.

But some things just won't go away. There are medical appointments to make, break, and reschedule. My primary care doctor used to be my one and only: we went steady for years. Of course, I two-timed him with the gynecologist . . .

  . . . But that was the extent of my infidelities, unless you count the dentist.

Then came the gastroenterologist, the urologist, the chiropractor, and the various physical therapists for my knees, back, and other assorted pieces of my anatomy. And those tests: mammograms, sonograms, bone density. Need I go on?  We've talked about this before. (THE GENIE IS OUT OF THE ORIFICE. )

Did I mention that I am also the official and very reluctant reservations clerk around here too? Yes, yes, I did. (FULLY COMMITTED). Anyway, there's one pile of stuff on my desk just for notices of plays, concerts, art openings, lectures, and various other cultural events I will probably never attend.

It gets worse. There's insurance. Taxes. Building notices (they want to make us into a landmark!). Bills. Notes for the book I want to write and the blogs I want to post. Invitations that need RSVPs.  Photos I was supposed to send.

No Photos, Please!

british_couple_v001.jpgNot long ago, in an act of feng shui run amok, I attacked The Pile and found this snapshot of a nice looking couple I thought we had met in Ravello, Italy, five or ten years ago. There was a London address attached on a post-it, so I sent the picture. Better late than never. Or so I thought.

Two weeks later, I got a letter from London, with two photographs enclosed. One was the photo on the left. The couple I had sent it to, being British and all, sent a Thank You Note, pointing out politely that it wasn't them. They were in the second picture, below, sporting sun tans and pina coladas at a resort in the Caribbean, where we all might have met.
We have no idea who any of these people are. british_couple_b002.jpg









Listen, it could have been worse: after all this time, the couple I sent the photo to could have been divorced  — or dead.

I know, I know. I could call Shirley,  the Life Style Organizer who took the knots out of my knickers (THE CLOSET CLEANER COMETH ). But there's a lot of stuff here even more personal than panties, some dating back to the Year Gimmel, that I feel I have to sort through before anyone else does.
 
So I remind myself of the physician's oath, "First do no harm."

If I leave The Pile untouched, I will do nothing further to confuse the good folks of London, the Caribbean, or The Universe. If that rationalization doesn't cut it, how about the final sentence in my New Official Horoscope, an idea I find disturbingly comforting:

"If it's not already done, it's not worth doing."

Amen.



 
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0 # One of The Guys 2010-04-05 15:29
We must be on the same wave length. We just talked about spring cleaning today.

Believe me, I know all about the piles that never go away.

My motto is, "If I haven't done it, it's time to the throw the reminder note away!"
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2010-04-06 05:05
I LOVE throwing those reminder notes away. It makes me feel as if I'm doing something, which I guess I am: I'm admitting I'll never do the thing I thought I had to do.
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0 # sara coe 2010-04-06 04:51
This is the first time your blog relates more to Rob than to me. I compulsively discard papers, magazines and articles of all sorts. So what if I need them later! Rob on the other hand saves everything. When we moved here, he reluctantly got rid of hundreds of technical journals, that' s right technical ones, from 1969 to 1995, but only after ripping out hundreds of articles that he piled up to read sometime in the future. Maybe science and technology will one day go back to the good old days. I think not.
However, when I need something I threw out, he still has it, if only he could find it.
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2010-04-06 05:17
Like Rob, I keep "professional" stuff forever. I recently found a folder called Publishing News. News from the 90s? the 80s? Prehistoric times? Why was I keeping that stuff? These days I save anything ? anything! ? that I might want to write a blog about. But I rarely remember where I put this "reference material." I ran this post because I had the picture of the piled-up desk on my piled-up desktop, but after I wrote it I couldn't find the photos of the two couples. I found them, the photos, not the couples, in the nick of time, somewhere in my so-called office.
Someday I'll do a blog, or a book, or a mini-series, about Lou's warehouse. That, as they say, is another story . . .
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0 # Diana 2010-04-06 05:57
Dear Reverend Pat
If you wanted to give up blogging you could surely create a new religion around the philosophy :"If it's not already done, it's not worth doing."
Where do I write the check? No wait, that means I'd have to find a checkbook. Would you take credit cards?
From "she who understands the profound paper proliferation problem",
Di
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2010-04-06 06:17
Dear She Who:
How about I start blogging about this new religion? We could call it Avoidism.
No checks, just put some cash in a envelope: can you find an envelope? Don't worry, we'd lose the money anyway.
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0 # Diana 2010-04-06 07:34
Dear Rev. Pat
Asking for cash in an envelope? Isn't that the way Soupy Sales lost his job? Or maybe it was the chain letter I just received. Wait, that letter was here a minute ago...
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+1 # Connie Shelford 2010-04-06 10:14
Dear Pat...
I knew we had so much more in common than our ancestry! Tom calls me "the Bag Lady of Hilton Head". I have a large basket of opened mail to re-read, coupons for Bed n Bath, crosswords I will eventually do, recipes I will never make (but they look soo good!), newspaper and magazine articles that I want to send to people etc. etc. As soon as I hear that people are coming over, the whole thing gets dumped into yet another bag!! I now have THREE to go through! And so it goes...Come visit soon so I can start bag #4!! XX Connie
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2010-04-06 12:07
Oh lawd, I do the bag thing, too. And hide them in the closet in the den (not the cleaned out ones). Then I forget that I've done that and search frantically for the bank statement, the tickets, whatever. Maybe it's genetic.
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0 # Gary Poole 2010-04-07 05:20
You think you're bad? I have EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER DONE! Even going back to my childhood---letters, drawings, writings, newspaper cllippings, photos of ex-girl friends (ahh, good times!), kazoos, harmonicas, umbrellas from exotic drinks back when I used to drink, a fake moustache which I wore just to see how I would look with one (insipid), piles of radio & TV scripts,
rubber ducks, puppets that speak to me saying exactly what I say to them right back at me! All this on my desk, in my office piled high with me beneath them! Plus a collection of comic books that I wrote, old Golden Magazines, the list goes on, but, alas, not one copy of Action Comics containing the first appearance of Superman which just sold for 2 million.
My mother, rest her soul, threw my copy away when I moved to New York.
Why do I have all this when the really important thing (Superman's debut)
is the one thing missing? But, hey, I LOVE my stuff!
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0 # Pat 2010-04-07 08:07
Superman! Action Comics! 2 Million dollars! That is truly heartbreaking! I bet that something else in all that stuff is worth a pile, so to speak, but probably not the fake moustache or the rubber duckies.
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0 # cynthia Ramsey 2010-04-08 08:34
Shirley organized my office(s) more than once....you should definitely call her-I know that I'm going to.
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0 # bluzdude 2010-04-10 10:53
An old boss of mine taught me his lesson of desk management: If you keep something you don't know what to do with long enough, it eventually becomes junk and then you may throw it away.
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2010-04-10 12:40
I found a cake mix that was "best used" in July, 2006. I guess that qualifies as junk.
Besides, I'm starting to wonder about all those chemical ingredients . . .
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Writing Comics. . .
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REVIEWS TO PERUSE

I'm All Right, Jack:
"Jack" is not just all right, it's totally delightful and fresh as a daisy after all these years (made in 1959), with Sellers, although not technically the lead, giving the brilliant performance that launched him as an international star. He plays an all-too-zealous union leader and father of a blonde bombshell who falls for Stanley, the British Upper Class Twit played, also to perfection, by Ian Carmichael, who you might remember from the Lord Peter Wimsey series. The makeout scenes between the the Twit and the Bombshell are priceless. But what is Stanley doing in this working class atmosphere anyway? Working. And too well at that. Forced by financial circumstances too dreary to discuss, he gets a job in his uncle's factory and messes things up for the other workers by, well, working, and thus making his fellow employees look bad. The film takes a big shot at unions — but also at management: they are manipulating white-collar thieves who'll do anything for a buck. Or a pound. Except for the ones, like Major Hitchcock, played by Terry Thomas, who are just plain lazy and inept. Needless to say, Stanley foils everybody's plans, labor and management alike, to my great joy and delight. Oh, and on top of everything else, Margaret Rutherford plays dotty dowager Aunt Dolly. Delicious!

 The Big Lebowski:
What can you say that hasn't been said before: brilliant, inspired, with some of the most memorable lines ever to come out of a movie, the most quoted being "The Dude abides." Oh yes. For anyone who hasn't yet seen the film, and it's now out in a special Blu-Ray edition if that floats your bowling ball. The Dude in question,  played to perfection by Jeff Bridges, is an out-of-work pothead who is roughed up and has his rug destroyed by some thugs mistaking him for another, bigger, Lebowski. The Dude is really upset about this because, man, "that rug really tied the room together," which The Dude says with all seriousness and not a trace of irony, a great comic touch considering the condition his condition is in.  Oh, and besides "Just Dropped In," all the music is perfect for the film. The plot, according to Wikipedia, which has been known to be wrong, is "loosely based on Raymond chandler's novel, The Big Sleep." Could be. But who cares. It involves a bowling competition, "the occasional acid flashback," a trophy wife, a group of German nihilists, a kidnapping gone awry, a mad millionaire and his lackey, in another great performance by Philip Seymour Hoffman. Actually, they're all great performances. Never a fan of John Goodman before or since, he is brilliant in this film. And so are John Turturro, overacting his little heart out, Steve Buscemi in a nerdy, needy role that makes you marvel at his star turn in Boardwalk Empire, and even the actors in the smaller parts, especially Julianne Moore and Sam Elliott. Elliott plays The Stranger (God? Everyman? The part of us that roots for the bad boy?) who elicits from Bridges the immortal words, "The Dude abides." Which prompts The Stranger to comment to the audience: "Don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals." We'll never know about the bowling trophy because there's never been a sequel to this 1998 film by the great Coen Brothers, and I hope there never will be. It just abides, as all great films do.

Prince of the City:
Okay, the criticisms of this movie are not totally unfounded: it's too long, and Treat Williams may have overacted a bit, although I found him so deliciously charming I couldn't care less, and there's one part concerning the Jerry Orbach character I just didn't understand. But get over it, The New Yorker, this is one powerful movie. And yes, Dog Day Afternoon it isn't, but what it? The DVD has a great special feature with Williams (I so want to call him Treat) and Sidney (what the hell: I once made a meatloaf sandwich for the man) that explains a lot about filmmaking in general and this movie in particular. Also, Sidney's views on good and evil, and how things are not so black and white as you think. I loved it.

Bad Day At Black Rock:
Recommended on TCM by Robert Osbourne as a film he originally had no interest in seeing, then loved it, and by Alex Baldwin, who pointed out the great actors in the cast, including Lee Marvin, Ernest Brognine and Dean Jagger. Well, after all that, I had to like it, right?  I did. A lot. It was a Good Day On My Couch.
Behind the Scenes Stuff: Spencer Tracey was off drinking and wouldn't commit to the film until the producers (who wanted him desperately) told him that they had Alan Ladd, at which point Tracey grabbed it.  He was perfect for the part, wearing a dark suit and tie the entire time in a western setting,  pulling it off perfectly. Other than that "fashion statement," the film makes a strong case against racism: the hatred of the Japanese during WW2. See it.

Song of The Thin Man:
I usually like these frothy, silly, suave, utter unrealistic films from the 30s and 40s, with William Powell and Myrna Loy as the couple we'd all like to be — if only we had the looks, brains, money, a huge capacity for drinking and a dog like Asta. But this one was a stinker, rather than a stinger, or maybe a sinker, because  it turned out to be the last, not to mention the least, in the series. Watch any of the others four sequels, but not this one: Even the pooch jumped the shark.

The Children's Hour:
It had its moments, and just looking at Audrey Hepburn makes life worth living, but mostly I kept thinking that the play, by Lillian Hellman, was so much better. It's about two young women runing a school for girls, who are accused by a hateful little brat of being (GASP!) lesbians. And although the closest we get in this 1961 production to using that actual term is the word "unnatural," it's enough to ruin their lives.  A young Shirley McClaine is worth seeing in this, and James Garner, and Audrey Hepburn is, well, Audrey Hepburn. The rumor of the love that dare not speak its name is totally untrue — or is it? And I'll say no more, because you should see the movie for yourself, imperfect as it may be, as is Life Itself.

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