Sun

01

Aug

2010

Is Facebook Dead?
Written by Pat Fortunato   
dreamstime_7734970.jpgOr is it just that some people ON Facebook are dead?

No, really. As Facebook gets older, so do its users: people over 65 are joining at a greater rate than any other age group. And some of these people, poor dears, pass on. No, they haven't switched to MySpace. They've gone to the Great Internet In the Sky.

But here on Planet Earth, dearly departed members of Facebook and their friends keep getting messages. Like the one reported in The New York Times suggesting that a woman "get back in touch with an old family friend who had played piano at her wedding four years earlier." Well, we can only hope that the friend is part of some great heavenly choir, because she died in April, and the woman who got this "suggestion" from Facebook was truly creeped out.

If that woman had been Betty White she might have told Facebook exactly what to do with their site, not to mention their ouija board. Alas, she wasn't, and she didn't. Our loss.

As if Facebook didn't have enough to worry about as it is, what with law suits about privacy issues and competing social networks.  Now it has to contend with "ghosts in the machine," which it calls a "very sensitive topic." Ya think?

It gets worse: people report deaths on Facebook when the "deceased" are very much alive! Some of these Living Dead have to go on Facebook to inform the world that they're not even sick.

And I thought I had problems with social networks . . .
. . . I am frequently contacted by people who, while not actually from the great beyond, are greatly beyond my capacity to remember them. I try to be polite, but really, what do you say to people when you have no idea who they are: "Good hearing from you after all this time?" No, better not: have no idea how much time it's been. "Say hello to the family?" Maybe they're orphans. "Have a nice day?" What if they're sick? Or dead.

And then there was the time that someone reached out from the distant past — to complain about how mean I had been when she worked for me. Moi? Mean? Well, I was a little testy in those days, pressure and all that, so I replied with an apology. And then I got The Story Of Her Life.  I exaggerate. It was just a summary. But it served me right. Well, maybe my karma has been korrected (sic). One lives in hope.

Dr. Phil says that one in five marriages or relationships break up because of Facebook. Or is it MySpace? MyFace? SpaceFace? Maybe it's a combination of all of them. Whatever. But you have to admit that it's a sobering number in any case —- or space. You did know, did you not, that there are networks out there for married folks looking for some extracurricular activity? Now there's a surefire way to get into trouble.

What if you get caught, and your spouse is the violent type? You could end up as one of those ghosts in the machine, endlessly wandering the farthest reaches of the Internet. Of course, you might get your fifteen million minutes of fame. But would it be worth it? Some would say yes.

So, the next big thing has got to be this:
A social network for dead people.
Hey, there are sites for everything else, and we are not allowed to discriminate these days. The deceased  have their rights too, just like everyone else.

But what shall we name it?

R.I.P.com?
GraveSpace.com?
Eternity.net?
(I haven't checked, but I suspect that eternity.com must be taken . . .
 Everything is taken , you know.)
How about: I-Cant-Believe-I-Didn't-Get-Better?
Or: 50thingstodowhenyouredead.com?
The Far side was taken long ago.
But there's this: it'sgreatbeyond.com — for optimists.
Or, thissucks.net for the rest of us.

Meanwhile, corpses and all, Facebook rolls merrily along, far from dead, with 500 million subscribers and counting. What are they counting on exactly? That we'll all sign up, from here to eternity. Literally. And that no one will ever get to Rest In Peace. Not even Betty White.

But enough of this silliness, the real question is:
Are YOU on Facebook? And how's that working out for you?


 

 

 
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Comments  

 
0 # Mr Gar 2010-08-03 03:36
No I,m not on Facebook...still holding out!. Nowadays there is no privacy, no hiding...if someone wants to find you, they will.
So someone please tell me in 25 words or less what I am missing out on!!
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2010-08-03 06:24
You mean you don't want to know that Peggy is now friends with Sally and Judy;s cat is sick and Frank has a cold and . . .
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0 # Gary Poole 2010-08-03 04:39
I am on Facebook and I find it mostly a waste of time. People post such drivel on it like, "I just washed my hair..." Who cares? Don't get me wrong. It's a great way to find out what's going on with your real friends (when they actually post some pertinent information, and I like to post announcements of my latest big thing (whatever it is). So it ain't all bad. I check it out every couple of days and find it amusing enough to at least have it available. Hey, I'm a sociable guy! But if you just washed you hair, I don't want to know about it.
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2010-08-03 06:14
Not even if I used a deep conditioner and super shine spray?
I guess not. But listen, someone must like these inane messages or there wouldn't be so many of them. Unless most of us are like you and go to Facebook in spite of these boring tidbits.
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0 # Diana 2010-08-03 04:58
Chief
I'm on Facebook but never use it. How about Diss-the-Facebook.com?
I'm on Twitter also, used it once, and it frightened the daylights out of me. So many people out there!
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2010-08-03 06:15
Or Diss-The-Deceased. We could start a site when we could (in fact, had to) speak ill the of dead. Hey, it could catch on . . .
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0 # Lou 2010-08-03 04:58
this one is truly hysterical and I will certainly pass it on to others
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2010-08-03 06:22
Mr Venezia, that's a great compliment indeed.
Pass it on by all means!
I mean, by all means: email, phone, telegram, twitter, twaddle, pony express, smoke signals, skywriting, a billboard in Times Square. Anything your fevered brain can think of.
Thanks!
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0 # bluzdude 2010-08-03 13:52
I'm on Facebook and it serves my purposes. I've moved around a lot, from childhood through adulthood, and it's a nice tool to catch up with old friends I haven't heard from in years.

That said, once we've caught up, I don't really care that they found a stray cow in Farmville. I could do without the minutia.
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2010-08-03 14:32
That's the rub: it's good to catch with friends. With the cows, not so much.
Thanks for the comment, bluzdude.
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0 # nothingprofound 2010-08-05 11:24
Another non-Facebook user here. I always wondered about the afterlife, and now I know at last where all our dear departed go.
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2010-08-07 07:50
Hi, Profound. Thinking about your afterlife comment, I wonder if Facebook will become a religion ? or if it already has . . .
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0 # Lena 2010-08-10 06:41
I trust you're not on FB Pat? I joined the big 3 (FB, twitter, linkedin) for marketing reasons, however, I haven't found it helps so far. The only thing is that I've re-connected with old school friends who I would never have found otherwise. Truth is that one does waste a lot of time on these sites, time that could well be used more productively. Need to discipline myself more!
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2010-08-11 16:36
Hi, Lena. Yes, actually I am on Facebook. You don't think they'll kick me off because of the blog, do you? I have found it nice to reconnect with people I've worked with on book projects in the past, so no, it's not a complete waste of time.
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REVIEWS TO PERUSE

I'm All Right, Jack:
"Jack" is not just all right, it's totally delightful and fresh as a daisy after all these years (made in 1959), with Sellers, although not technically the lead, giving the brilliant performance that launched him as an international star. He plays an all-too-zealous union leader and father of a blonde bombshell who falls for Stanley, the British Upper Class Twit played, also to perfection, by Ian Carmichael, who you might remember from the Lord Peter Wimsey series. The makeout scenes between the the Twit and the Bombshell are priceless. But what is Stanley doing in this working class atmosphere anyway? Working. And too well at that. Forced by financial circumstances too dreary to discuss, he gets a job in his uncle's factory and messes things up for the other workers by, well, working, and thus making his fellow employees look bad. The film takes a big shot at unions — but also at management: they are manipulating white-collar thieves who'll do anything for a buck. Or a pound. Except for the ones, like Major Hitchcock, played by Terry Thomas, who are just plain lazy and inept. Needless to say, Stanley foils everybody's plans, labor and management alike, to my great joy and delight. Oh, and on top of everything else, Margaret Rutherford plays dotty dowager Aunt Dolly. Delicious!

 The Big Lebowski:
What can you say that hasn't been said before: brilliant, inspired, with some of the most memorable lines ever to come out of a movie, the most quoted being "The Dude abides." Oh yes. For anyone who hasn't yet seen the film, and it's now out in a special Blu-Ray edition if that floats your bowling ball. The Dude in question,  played to perfection by Jeff Bridges, is an out-of-work pothead who is roughed up and has his rug destroyed by some thugs mistaking him for another, bigger, Lebowski. The Dude is really upset about this because, man, "that rug really tied the room together," which The Dude says with all seriousness and not a trace of irony, a great comic touch considering the condition his condition is in.  Oh, and besides "Just Dropped In," all the music is perfect for the film. The plot, according to Wikipedia, which has been known to be wrong, is "loosely based on Raymond chandler's novel, The Big Sleep." Could be. But who cares. It involves a bowling competition, "the occasional acid flashback," a trophy wife, a group of German nihilists, a kidnapping gone awry, a mad millionaire and his lackey, in another great performance by Philip Seymour Hoffman. Actually, they're all great performances. Never a fan of John Goodman before or since, he is brilliant in this film. And so are John Turturro, overacting his little heart out, Steve Buscemi in a nerdy, needy role that makes you marvel at his star turn in Boardwalk Empire, and even the actors in the smaller parts, especially Julianne Moore and Sam Elliott. Elliott plays The Stranger (God? Everyman? The part of us that roots for the bad boy?) who elicits from Bridges the immortal words, "The Dude abides." Which prompts The Stranger to comment to the audience: "Don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals." We'll never know about the bowling trophy because there's never been a sequel to this 1998 film by the great Coen Brothers, and I hope there never will be. It just abides, as all great films do.

Prince of the City:
Okay, the criticisms of this movie are not totally unfounded: it's too long, and Treat Williams may have overacted a bit, although I found him so deliciously charming I couldn't care less, and there's one part concerning the Jerry Orbach character I just didn't understand. But get over it, The New Yorker, this is one powerful movie. And yes, Dog Day Afternoon it isn't, but what it? The DVD has a great special feature with Williams (I so want to call him Treat) and Sidney (what the hell: I once made a meatloaf sandwich for the man) that explains a lot about filmmaking in general and this movie in particular. Also, Sidney's views on good and evil, and how things are not so black and white as you think. I loved it.

Bad Day At Black Rock:
Recommended on TCM by Robert Osbourne as a film he originally had no interest in seeing, then loved it, and by Alex Baldwin, who pointed out the great actors in the cast, including Lee Marvin, Ernest Brognine and Dean Jagger. Well, after all that, I had to like it, right?  I did. A lot. It was a Good Day On My Couch.
Behind the Scenes Stuff: Spencer Tracey was off drinking and wouldn't commit to the film until the producers (who wanted him desperately) told him that they had Alan Ladd, at which point Tracey grabbed it.  He was perfect for the part, wearing a dark suit and tie the entire time in a western setting,  pulling it off perfectly. Other than that "fashion statement," the film makes a strong case against racism: the hatred of the Japanese during WW2. See it.

Song of The Thin Man:
I usually like these frothy, silly, suave, utter unrealistic films from the 30s and 40s, with William Powell and Myrna Loy as the couple we'd all like to be — if only we had the looks, brains, money, a huge capacity for drinking and a dog like Asta. But this one was a stinker, rather than a stinger, or maybe a sinker, because  it turned out to be the last, not to mention the least, in the series. Watch any of the others four sequels, but not this one: Even the pooch jumped the shark.

The Children's Hour:
It had its moments, and just looking at Audrey Hepburn makes life worth living, but mostly I kept thinking that the play, by Lillian Hellman, was so much better. It's about two young women runing a school for girls, who are accused by a hateful little brat of being (GASP!) lesbians. And although the closest we get in this 1961 production to using that actual term is the word "unnatural," it's enough to ruin their lives.  A young Shirley McClaine is worth seeing in this, and James Garner, and Audrey Hepburn is, well, Audrey Hepburn. The rumor of the love that dare not speak its name is totally untrue — or is it? And I'll say no more, because you should see the movie for yourself, imperfect as it may be, as is Life Itself.

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