Mon 12 Jul 2010 |
|
| The e-mail message from Rome said simply: Bring
Colace. The reply from NY was equally succinct: Relief is on the way! If this isn't the most the most effective communication in the history of the Internet, I'll eat my cappello. But wait. What's behind these messages between the
Old Country and the New World? Isn't Italy famous for great gelato and naked
statues? Pizza and piazzas? Pizza in the piazza? What does Colace have to do
it?Aspetta, my friend, aspetta. We're talking about the indignities of travel. And when the travelers in question are not twenty, Colace is not the only indignity. It begins with the irony of the luggage. You can lift less, but you need more. Your little kit with aspirin and toothpaste has slowly evolved into a bewildering assortment of items, including . . . Your reading glasses and your other glasses for TV, so that with your sunglasses you have three pairs to lose; your contact lenses, their case(s) and solution(s); your prescription medicines plus the painkiller of your choice, maybe that new stuff that you rub directly into your forehead. Of course you need shampoo and conditioner (your hair is dry too), and something for sleep. But wait! Don't forget the Tweezers for Geezers, an absolute necessity since you've taken to sprouting hairs in places other than your eyebrows. If you're a woman . . . You can add a shitload, you should pardon the expression, of creams and cosmetics because even a "natural" look requires foundation, blush, eye shadow, mascara, eyeliner, eyebrow pencil, lip liner, and you can't survive jet lag without a concealer. You don't use each of these every day, and you may go without makeup a lot of the time, but you will need some of these things at some point, so how the hell do you know which not to take? And then there's the shoes . . . I knew a lot about Italy before this trip, and love the Italians, many of whom seem to be my relatives. They are nice people and I love their lasagna alla Bolognese. But Italians have no concept of convenience and this, too, can lead to indignities. Take the cobblestones. For Americans, they are impossible to walk on in anything resembling nice looking shoes. So you wear "walking shoes," AKA clodhoppers. Then you notice that the only other human being in Italy with shoes as ugly as yours is a nun with a mustache and hideous haircut that only a Mother Superior could love. There was one other example of really bad shoes. But when I looked up with a glimmer of hope, it turned out to be a man, begging for Euros in the streets of Bologna. Before you tell me that I am full of the same, trust me on this: all Italian women, unless they are ANCIENT, wear good-looking shoes. They are genetically engineered with both the desire to possess good leather and the ability to walk in fabulous shoes in impossible conditions. I wanted to announce to the world that I have cute shoes too. But the truth is that I'm not young enough to wear them for actual walking. I might as well admit that, because you can't travel without revealing your age. Yet another indignity! First it's your passport for the noisy clerks in the hotels. Then it's your international driving license, which you forget in the glove compartment of your cousin's car. Oh well, now the relatives know why I can't wear cute shoes. But about the Colace. . . Which, I must say, is an absolute must in Italy because the diet has lots of pasta, prociutto and formaggio and precious little fiber. So I better get this over with. Suffice it to say that during my trip I got to know various and sundry bathrooms intimately, giving new meaning to the phrase Fleet Week. Talk about indignity! Some people do these things for pleasure? Are they out of their minds? Anyway, when everything settled down and I just needed a little help, I was forced to do one of two things: 1) Attempt to explain to a pharmacist, in Italian, what the hell Colace is. It's not exactly a laxative, you see. And I know from experience that if you ask for a lasativo you will get a high-octane product that will knock the you-know-what out of you, which makes sense given the local diet. 2) Send an e-mail to a friend who was meeting us and ask her for help. Indignity was not an issue here: we've been through worse things in the past. Don't ask. The decision to go for number two, so to speak, produced the infamous "Bring Colace" e-mail, so the solution to my problem turned out to be just a click away. I have to go now — and, hopefully, tomorrow, and tomorrow, and the next day — but I'll be back soon with more about my travels, travails, and anything else I think you need to know. Meanwhile . . .you don't have to tell the blogoshere about your bathroom problems. . . But we'd love to hear from people on the go. Trouble in Paradise originally appeared in August, 2009 GO TO HOME (ON THE RIGHT) FOR MORE POSTS |
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Comments
- Aunties Of The World. . . Unite!
Oh Mr. Poole, your witty comments are always anti-... - Aunties Of The World. . . Unite!
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Oh the benefits of globalization, we get to learn ... - A Devout Coward Goes To The Dentist
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Bitter Patter
NO LAUGHING MATTER:
Did Demi Moore overdose
on laughing gas??
That's what's being reported
to those of us at:
A DEVOUT COWARD
GOES TO THE DENTIST
Have you seen The Artist? Seeing it mentioned at
The Golden Globes reminded me that that not ALL movies are
Incredibly Loud!
Do NOT Google Santorum.
I warned you . . .
I did it!
I actually got that
LITTLE BLACK DRESS!
How hard was it?
Click on the link above.
I also got my iPhone.
It's great.
Thank you Steve Jobs
Wherever you are.
Just as I posted I WAS THE GIRL PHANTOM, I found a website called The Ghost Who Blogs about The Phantom comics:
http://falkonthewildside.blogspot.com
Writing Comics. . .
Was a small but wonderful part of my checkered career, and doing a post about it brought back a lot of great memories. If you know any other women in NYC who wrote — or are writing — comics, tell me how to get in touch with them.
I'm on a watching-old-movies kick these days.
Great way to lose yourself.
If you're lucky, you'll never be found.
REVIEWS TO PERUSE
I'm All Right, Jack:
"Jack" is not just all right, it's totally delightful and fresh as a daisy after all these years (made in 1959), with Sellers, although not technically the lead, giving the brilliant performance that launched him as an international star. He plays an all-too-zealous union leader and father of a blonde bombshell who falls for Stanley, the British Upper Class Twit played, also to perfection, by Ian Carmichael, who you might remember from the Lord Peter Wimsey series. The makeout scenes between the the Twit and the Bombshell are priceless. But what is Stanley doing in this working class atmosphere anyway? Working. And too well at that. Forced by financial circumstances too dreary to discuss, he gets a job in his uncle's factory and messes things up for the other workers by, well, working, and thus making his fellow employees look bad. The film takes a big shot at unions — but also at management: they are manipulating white-collar thieves who'll do anything for a buck. Or a pound. Except for the ones, like Major Hitchcock, played by Terry Thomas, who are just plain lazy and inept. Needless to say, Stanley foils everybody's plans, labor and management alike, to my great joy and delight. Oh, and on top of everything else, Margaret Rutherford plays dotty dowager Aunt Dolly. Delicious!
The Big Lebowski:
What can you say that hasn't been said before: brilliant, inspired, with some of the most memorable lines ever to come out of a movie, the most quoted being "The Dude abides." Oh yes. For anyone who hasn't yet seen the film, and it's now out in a special Blu-Ray edition if that floats your bowling ball. The Dude in question, played to perfection by Jeff Bridges, is an out-of-work pothead who is roughed up and has his rug destroyed by some thugs mistaking him for another, bigger, Lebowski. The Dude is really upset about this because, man, "that rug really tied the room together," which The Dude says with all seriousness and not a trace of irony, a great comic touch considering the condition his condition is in. Oh, and besides "Just Dropped In," all the music is perfect for the film. The plot, according to Wikipedia, which has been known to be wrong, is "loosely based on Raymond chandler's novel, The Big Sleep." Could be. But who cares. It involves a bowling competition, "the occasional acid flashback," a trophy wife, a group of German nihilists, a kidnapping gone awry, a mad millionaire and his lackey, in another great performance by Philip Seymour Hoffman. Actually, they're all great performances. Never a fan of John Goodman before or since, he is brilliant in this film. And so are John Turturro, overacting his little heart out, Steve Buscemi in a nerdy, needy role that makes you marvel at his star turn in Boardwalk Empire, and even the actors in the smaller parts, especially Julianne Moore and Sam Elliott. Elliott plays The Stranger (God? Everyman? The part of us that roots for the bad boy?) who elicits from Bridges the immortal words, "The Dude abides." Which prompts The Stranger to comment to the audience: "Don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals." We'll never know about the bowling trophy because there's never been a sequel to this 1998 film by the great Coen Brothers, and I hope there never will be. It just abides, as all great films do.
Prince of the City:
Okay, the criticisms of this movie are not totally unfounded: it's too long, and Treat Williams may have overacted a bit, although I found him so deliciously charming I couldn't care less, and there's one part concerning the Jerry Orbach character I just didn't understand. But get over it, The New Yorker, this is one powerful movie. And yes, Dog Day Afternoon it isn't, but what it? The DVD has a great special feature with Williams (I so want to call him Treat) and Sidney (what the hell: I once made a meatloaf sandwich for the man) that explains a lot about filmmaking in general and this movie in particular. Also, Sidney's views on good and evil, and how things are not so black and white as you think. I loved it.
Bad Day At Black Rock:
Recommended on TCM by Robert Osbourne as a film he originally had no interest in seeing, then loved it, and by Alex Baldwin, who pointed out the great actors in the cast, including Lee Marvin, Ernest Brognine and Dean Jagger. Well, after all that, I had to like it, right? I did. A lot. It was a Good Day On My Couch.
Behind the Scenes Stuff: Spencer Tracey was off drinking and wouldn't commit to the film until the producers (who wanted him desperately) told him that they had Alan Ladd, at which point Tracey grabbed it. He was perfect for the part, wearing a dark suit and tie the entire time in a western setting, pulling it off perfectly. Other than that "fashion statement," the film makes a strong case against racism: the hatred of the Japanese during WW2. See it.
Song of The Thin Man:
I usually like these frothy, silly, suave, utter unrealistic films from the 30s and 40s, with William Powell and Myrna Loy as the couple we'd all like to be — if only we had the looks, brains, money, a huge capacity for drinking and a dog like Asta. But this one was a stinker, rather than a stinger, or maybe a sinker, because it turned out to be the last, not to mention the least, in the series. Watch any of the others four sequels, but not this one: Even the pooch jumped the shark.
The Children's Hour:
It had its moments, and just looking at Audrey Hepburn makes life worth living, but mostly I kept thinking that the play, by Lillian Hellman, was so much better. It's about two young women runing a school for girls, who are accused by a hateful little brat of being (GASP!) lesbians. And although the closest we get in this 1961 production to using that actual term is the word "unnatural," it's enough to ruin their lives. A young Shirley McClaine is worth seeing in this, and James Garner, and Audrey Hepburn is, well, Audrey Hepburn. The rumor of the love that dare not speak its name is totally untrue — or is it? And I'll say no more, because you should see the movie for yourself, imperfect as it may be, as is Life Itself.
by martinis alone,
I like this blog:
grapesandgreens.blogspot.com
BITTER PATTER
Click on:
Welcome To My Blog
Scroll down to
PAT'S FAVORITES
for a blast
from the past.
But wait. What's behind these messages between the
Old Country and the New World? Isn't Italy famous for great gelato and naked
statues? Pizza and piazzas? Pizza in the piazza? What does Colace have to do
it?




Comments
Love the shoe part.
Thanks for your comment. It could pay for my next trip.
Thanks for the comment, and remember to always pack the Colace to avoid unconfortable emails.
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