Mon

08

Mar

2010

Defending The Cavewoman
Written by Pat Fortunato   
caveman.jpgOkay, so it's Defending the Caveman.

Man, as in Rob Becker, who wrote the play. Man as in Paul Perroni, who performs it on — or pretty close to — Broadway.

But I am the woman whose life it changed the first time I saw it, more than 10 years ago.

Here's the thing: you know how men leave their laundry on the floor? And how pissed you get about that? Especially when they leave it next to or on top of the hamper. Sigh. So close. (Can't they go the extra inch?) And yet so far. (No, apparently they can't.)

Well, don't get your knickers in a knot, ladies, because those are not just Jockey Shorts lying there. That's The Circle of Sacred Underwear.

From the dawn of time, man has felt this burning need to establish his territory. Modern man is no different, but doesn't have rocks and sticks handy, so he uses underwear. Once you, as a woman, understand this, you will be truly liberated. You will never pick up dirty shorts again. You will step over The Circle. Carefully. Just in case.

This is great for your relationship and . . .

It leaves you time to do more important things: like cleaning the bathroom.

What? You thought I was going to say, "doing your nails" or "sitting around eating bon bons," didn't you? Well, I was, actually, but I needed a lead-in to the next thought, which is:

Cleaning, according to The Caveman, is more important to women than to men. Well, duh. Not because we like it, or because we're genetically more suited to it, but because if we don't do it, it doesn't get done. And then, when there are visitors (There Will Be Visitors), no one says, "Lou (or Joe or Any Guy) is a lousy housekeeper!" Oh no. The woman will take the rap for a messy cave. Every time. I can see Wilma Flintstone nodding her head right now.

Rob Becker's right-on-the-money script also points out the different ways men and women greet each other. Two women who haven't met for a while will squeal and laugh and hug and shout each other's names: "SUE-zenn!" "Lu -EEZ!" die-ANN-uh!!! Men say, "You still driving that piece of shit, dickhead?" Which means, I'm glad to see you and I love you, man.

See? Women are more direct. And we're supposed to be the devious ones.

Anyway, after we've squealed and hugged everyone silly, the next thing we do is tell each other how cute (or thin) we're looking. What's wrong with that? Men should follow our lead. Hey, a little flattery will get you everywhere. And as The Caveman points out, if you don't say something nice about a woman's appearance — right off the bat, in the first few seconds, I mean immediately! — you are screwed. Or not.

I've left out Rob Becker's main point: that men are built to hunt and women to gather. Our basic equipment shows this: The spear? The basket? Do I have to be more explicit? I think not. The best modern-day example is the different ways men and women shop.

A man waits until his shirt dies, then goes hunting for a new one. He is totally focused: Me want shirt. Me get shirt. Me got shirt. Me happy.

dreamstime_11669782.jpgA woman goes shopping whenever she can, looking at and touching everything, gathering what she thinks is cute and/or will be useful at some later date, not what she needs at that minute. (Hey guys, it's called planning, or as we like to call it around here, the P Word.) She's happy, too, but is ready to go gathering (shopping) again the next time she has a free minute or there's a sale at Saks. (So expensive, that Saks, but great sales.) The guy will wait until something dies.

So now that we've got that settled, I'm going to step right over The Circle of Sacred Underwear and take a bubble bath. Wonder what cavewomen did to pamper themselves back when. They must have been resourceful, what with no bubbles, not to mention baths. Maybe they wrapped themselves in animal skins . . . and dreamed up the concept of shopping.
Don't even ask me what the men did.

 

Defending the Caveman by Rob Becker is  playing in New York City, Detroit MI, Tacoma WA, Macon GA, and Naples FL.
For more info, go to: www.defendingthecaveman.com where you can "hunt for tickets."
Or gather them, I suppose.



 
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Comments  

 
0 # Diana 2010-03-09 03:55
Pat
I thought this piece was the funniest thing I had ever seen the first time around and I now think it's the smartest thing I have seen the second time around.
I am sending this blog to my "caveman".
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0 # Mimi Kidd 2010-03-09 04:58
Pat, I resolved the whole "circle of sacred underwear" which my husband was a master of......I don't have any men in the house! That just took me three brothers, a father and two husbands. I am slow on the uptake sometimes...like they say "love is blind:
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2010-03-09 12:05
No mens. That's one way to take care of it!
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0 # Judypk 2010-03-09 04:59
Great stuff Pat!! Too funny and true.
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0 # Louise 2010-03-09 05:06
Totally brilliant. Must admit...I pick up. To hell with the sacred circle. I want clean!
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2010-03-09 11:30
Yeah, I want clean, too. But mostly I take the it's-none-of-my-business approach.
Exception: when I'm having company. Then I break the Circle and take my chances.
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0 # Gary Poole 2010-03-09 05:50
Some of us (men) are Felix Unger types. Not gay. Just clean. My underwear goes in the hamper immediately after wearing it for only three days. (kidding!) I wash all the fun parts of my body daily, and when I greet anyone regardless of gender...I hug! (Shades of Leo Buscaglia, remember him?) Funny stuff, Pat! Keep up the good work.
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2010-03-09 11:31
Thanks, Feliz, er, Gary: Sure you hug, you devil, you. Do you squeal and carry on? I don't think so . . .
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0 # Cris 2010-03-09 11:22
So true Pat! LOVE this! Especially the shopping thing! Mike won't allow a new shirt to enter his closet unless one is thrown out! No lie! And he doesn't go shopping to look, feel, touch, compare - just to get the first shirt he sees and then GET OUT!
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2010-03-09 11:36
The buy one, throw one out rule works. For Mike. Not for me. I have to throw out in quantity once in blue moon. And sometimes, yes, I do go hunting ? like for a wedding dress. But mostly, it's touch and gather, touch and gather. Think of it, as Carrie Bradshaw did on Sex And The City, as your aerobics for the day!
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0 # Susan Schuander 2010-03-09 11:51
No sacred circle of underwear here. All, maybe 3X/day go into the hamper. Hamper overflows and I have to wash, dry and then do all the folding and then all the underwear is left folded in laundary room. But, could you address how/why dishes go into the sink when the dishwasher is but a breath away?
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2010-03-09 12:03
Hi, Susan: I think that the dishes-in-the-sink issue is exactly the same as the clothes-in-the-hamper question. And the answer is: Who knows!!

Can anyone out there explain it?
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0 # One of The Guys 2010-03-10 10:18
Funny and true!

Men also hug, but it's that big aggressive, slap on the back, hug. Or that firmer than firm handshake. We're always trying to assert our Alpha Male persona, in the company of other males.

As far as the underwear goes....well, my wife's only complaint is that she doesn't see enough of it in the laundry. Translation Are you changing your underwear at all?

Boys will always be boys. But we clean up well don't we? That's why you stick with us I guess.
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2010-03-10 10:37
"Boys will always be boys. But we clean up well don't we? That's why you stick with us I guess."
Oh, yeah. You're VERY decorative, not to mention useful.
But I guess you can't win about the underwear thing: there's either too many in the Sacred Circle or not enough!
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0 # Susan Schuander 2010-03-10 11:43
Hmmm, didn't think of the possibility that there could be NOT ENOUGH underwear. That certainly "trumps" my problem of tooooo much!
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0 # Diana 2010-03-18 05:08
Oh yes Susan, I have the Sacred Circle of Dirty Dishes as well. Are dishwashers that difficult to figure out? Or, do we have to wait to gather enough to make it worthwhile to bend over and open the dishwasher door???
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2010-03-18 05:34
Actually, I must admit, having left a coffee cup in the sink this very morning, that I understand the Dirty Dishes thing. You have to rinse the cup, open the dishwasher, put it in the right place, close the door.
But hampers? Come on. All you have to do is lift the damn cover. Fortunately, I learned about the Circle of Sacred Underwear years ago so I can go merrily on my way. To the sink. To deal with the dishes.
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REVIEWS TO PERUSE

I'm All Right, Jack:
"Jack" is not just all right, it's totally delightful and fresh as a daisy after all these years (made in 1959), with Sellers, although not technically the lead, giving the brilliant performance that launched him as an international star. He plays an all-too-zealous union leader and father of a blonde bombshell who falls for Stanley, the British Upper Class Twit played, also to perfection, by Ian Carmichael, who you might remember from the Lord Peter Wimsey series. The makeout scenes between the the Twit and the Bombshell are priceless. But what is Stanley doing in this working class atmosphere anyway? Working. And too well at that. Forced by financial circumstances too dreary to discuss, he gets a job in his uncle's factory and messes things up for the other workers by, well, working, and thus making his fellow employees look bad. The film takes a big shot at unions — but also at management: they are manipulating white-collar thieves who'll do anything for a buck. Or a pound. Except for the ones, like Major Hitchcock, played by Terry Thomas, who are just plain lazy and inept. Needless to say, Stanley foils everybody's plans, labor and management alike, to my great joy and delight. Oh, and on top of everything else, Margaret Rutherford plays dotty dowager Aunt Dolly. Delicious!

 The Big Lebowski:
What can you say that hasn't been said before: brilliant, inspired, with some of the most memorable lines ever to come out of a movie, the most quoted being "The Dude abides." Oh yes. For anyone who hasn't yet seen the film, and it's now out in a special Blu-Ray edition if that floats your bowling ball. The Dude in question,  played to perfection by Jeff Bridges, is an out-of-work pothead who is roughed up and has his rug destroyed by some thugs mistaking him for another, bigger, Lebowski. The Dude is really upset about this because, man, "that rug really tied the room together," which The Dude says with all seriousness and not a trace of irony, a great comic touch considering the condition his condition is in.  Oh, and besides "Just Dropped In," all the music is perfect for the film. The plot, according to Wikipedia, which has been known to be wrong, is "loosely based on Raymond chandler's novel, The Big Sleep." Could be. But who cares. It involves a bowling competition, "the occasional acid flashback," a trophy wife, a group of German nihilists, a kidnapping gone awry, a mad millionaire and his lackey, in another great performance by Philip Seymour Hoffman. Actually, they're all great performances. Never a fan of John Goodman before or since, he is brilliant in this film. And so are John Turturro, overacting his little heart out, Steve Buscemi in a nerdy, needy role that makes you marvel at his star turn in Boardwalk Empire, and even the actors in the smaller parts, especially Julianne Moore and Sam Elliott. Elliott plays The Stranger (God? Everyman? The part of us that roots for the bad boy?) who elicits from Bridges the immortal words, "The Dude abides." Which prompts The Stranger to comment to the audience: "Don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals." We'll never know about the bowling trophy because there's never been a sequel to this 1998 film by the great Coen Brothers, and I hope there never will be. It just abides, as all great films do.

Prince of the City:
Okay, the criticisms of this movie are not totally unfounded: it's too long, and Treat Williams may have overacted a bit, although I found him so deliciously charming I couldn't care less, and there's one part concerning the Jerry Orbach character I just didn't understand. But get over it, The New Yorker, this is one powerful movie. And yes, Dog Day Afternoon it isn't, but what it? The DVD has a great special feature with Williams (I so want to call him Treat) and Sidney (what the hell: I once made a meatloaf sandwich for the man) that explains a lot about filmmaking in general and this movie in particular. Also, Sidney's views on good and evil, and how things are not so black and white as you think. I loved it.

Bad Day At Black Rock:
Recommended on TCM by Robert Osbourne as a film he originally had no interest in seeing, then loved it, and by Alex Baldwin, who pointed out the great actors in the cast, including Lee Marvin, Ernest Brognine and Dean Jagger. Well, after all that, I had to like it, right?  I did. A lot. It was a Good Day On My Couch.
Behind the Scenes Stuff: Spencer Tracey was off drinking and wouldn't commit to the film until the producers (who wanted him desperately) told him that they had Alan Ladd, at which point Tracey grabbed it.  He was perfect for the part, wearing a dark suit and tie the entire time in a western setting,  pulling it off perfectly. Other than that "fashion statement," the film makes a strong case against racism: the hatred of the Japanese during WW2. See it.

Song of The Thin Man:
I usually like these frothy, silly, suave, utter unrealistic films from the 30s and 40s, with William Powell and Myrna Loy as the couple we'd all like to be — if only we had the looks, brains, money, a huge capacity for drinking and a dog like Asta. But this one was a stinker, rather than a stinger, or maybe a sinker, because  it turned out to be the last, not to mention the least, in the series. Watch any of the others four sequels, but not this one: Even the pooch jumped the shark.

The Children's Hour:
It had its moments, and just looking at Audrey Hepburn makes life worth living, but mostly I kept thinking that the play, by Lillian Hellman, was so much better. It's about two young women runing a school for girls, who are accused by a hateful little brat of being (GASP!) lesbians. And although the closest we get in this 1961 production to using that actual term is the word "unnatural," it's enough to ruin their lives.  A young Shirley McClaine is worth seeing in this, and James Garner, and Audrey Hepburn is, well, Audrey Hepburn. The rumor of the love that dare not speak its name is totally untrue — or is it? And I'll say no more, because you should see the movie for yourself, imperfect as it may be, as is Life Itself.

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