Mon

10

May

2010

Crosstown To Hell
Written by Pat Fortunato   
crosstownfun.jpgAnd now, the eagerly-anticipated award for "The Slowest Bus In the Universe" (drum roll please) goes to . . .

The 23rd Street Crosstown in Manhattan!!!!

Accepting this award for the (Sic) Transit Authority is Pat Fortunato, your friendly neighborhood blogger and frequent rider on this I-could- walk-faster-but-who's got-the-energy mode of so-called rapid transportation.

First, I would like to thank the horrific traffic and the cab drivers who stop in the middle of the street for doing so much to make this award possible.

But I must also give credit to people getting on the bus without a Metrocard or exact change, and to the passengers who ask the driver endless questions or get on the bus carrying all of their earthly possessions including things they don't need that they've just bought on sale at the Gap on 23rd and Eighth.

You have all contributed to putting the "Cross" in Crosstown, making me one cranky customer.

My worst ride on the M23 began one fine day on Eighth Avenue, where I had picked up the bus after losing yet another game of tennis at Midtown Tennis (which is nearby, but not in midtown, go figure), and was headed home to 22nd and Second.

Dealing valiantly with the agony of defeat, I sat down in the first forward-facing seat on the left, determined not to become bitter. Directly in back of me was the woman with Volume Control Syndrome I told you about in I Look Good In Orange , a woman who may also have some form of Tourettes that causes her to scream into her cell phone, every other word an expletive deleted.

It doesn't take that much talent these days to use some form of the F word as a noun, verb, adjective or adverb, but I swear this woman could turn it into a conjunction. Conjunction Junction anyone?

This bus was turning out to be NoFun4Me, a Streetcar Definitely Not Named Desire. Unless you count the desire to wield a large polo mallet . . .

When I couldn't take it any longer, I turned around and very politely suggested that she shut the f*** up.

No, actually I said that she probably didn't realize (yeah, right) that she was talking very loudly and could she keep it down a bit. I did not include any creative use of profanity in my request, but as you may have guessed, her reply was quite colorful. Among other things, she told me that if I didn't like it, why didn't I just take a f***ing cab?

At this point, seeing that she was not only loud and angry, but rather large, I decided to end this scintillating discussion. Listen, I wasn't wearing a helmet and while there was no polo mallet in sight, she did have that phone in her hand. Why take any more chances?

But the woman sitting in the row of seats facing towards the middle of the bus, next to me, had something to say, and she said it loud enough for all to hear:

"A cab! Why didn't I think of that! I could have taken a f***in' cab!"

Sneers and snickers (a new brand of ironic candy) were shared throughout the bus, but fortunately the Volume-Challenged One seemed oblivious to all this frivolity. She just kept right on a-talkin' and a-cursin' at decibels painful to anyone who doesn't work as a jackhammer operator or regularly attend rock concerts.

I just heard on NPR, so it must be true, that making noise is a way of attempting to expand your sphere of influence. Well that woman has expanded her influence right into the blogosphere!

As far as I know, she is still riding the crosstown bus: Yes, it is that slow. And if not, there are many, many more like her, in buses and trains and public places across the land, shouting on their cells, often in foreign tongues. By the way, did you know you can hear 800 languages in New York City, including Mamuju, which is spoken by one lone man in Rego Park Queens. Poor guy has no one to talk to, except when he calls his brother in Indonesia. I hope he doesn't make that call on the Crosstown bus.

Anyway, I count mysenytaxi.jpglf lucky to have escaped the Great Crosstown Incident without incurring actual physical injury to any part of my person other than my eardrums, and have vowed never to speak up again should a similar occasion arise.

If it gets too bad, I can always take a f***in' cab.

 

For more about the 800 languages,
check out http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/29/nyregion/29lost.html

 

 
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Comments  

 
0 # Elf 2010-05-11 04:44
Wow, I sure don't miss moments like that during my NYC days.
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2010-05-11 05:05
Actually, it WAS entertaining in a weird New York sort of way. And it makes for a good story. Thanks for your comment, Elf.
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0 # John Sposato 2010-05-11 05:18
Mamuju? This could be your funniest yet!
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2010-05-11 05:26
And the funny part is, I didn't make it up! Glad it gave you a laugh.
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0 # Diana 2010-05-11 09:06
Chief
I'd love to know where in Indonesia Mamuju is spoken? Maybe I can ask one of the million Federal census workers crawling around Manhattan these days.
Being a the good citizen that I am, I returned the questionaires the very day they arrived. Obviously, it doesn't matter whether you return them or not, they track you down. I had a very "Betty White" encounter with two of them a week ago and sent them their way. They came back again today, and I refused to answer more questions. I told them I would eat a census form before I would fill out another one.
Next time they visit, I will direct them to the 23rd Street Crosstown. They won't be back for years. Thanks for the idea!
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0 # Pat 2010-05-11 09:24
Diana: I would have loved to seen your "Betty White" moment with the census taker. Now THAT would make a great post for the blog! Do you have a photo?
Oh, and bon appetit . . .
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0 # Gary Poole 2010-05-13 08:46
If the "f" word was somehow removed from the English language, some people would be speechless. Look at it this way. You met a woman who actually is "bitter."
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2010-05-13 10:10
"Bitter"— and loud. Not a winning combination. If only those people shouting on their cells had something interesting to say I wouldn't mind so much.
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0 # LCG 2010-05-13 10:17
There's an article in today's Wall Street Journal about a guy who calls himself The Enforcer, who carries a device that blocks cell phone use. He asks anyone who's talking too long or too loudly to stop, and if they don't he blocks their calls.It's illegal, but effective.
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2010-05-13 10:19
Illegal smegal: where can I get that thing?
Hey, I told you I look good in orange.
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0 # Barbara Ehrentreu 2010-05-17 08:03
LOL you have guts!!! The problem with these people who shout into their cell phones and ignore pleas to be lower is they are a--holes and don't know it. Their friends are afraid to tell them too. So it's a tyranny of abuse and size. I think the woman who commented on the idea of taking a cab was funny and so typically NY:)

This brought me back to my experiences on NYC biases. At least you got a seat:) Funny post that made me a little nostalgic.
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2010-05-17 08:42
"You have guts!!!" Not any more, Barbara. After this narrow escape, I keep my mouth shut. Wish they would, too. Someone told me, on the Crosstown last week, that the suburban bus she takes to NJ prohibits cell phones. Jersey? Who knew.
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0 # Barbara Ehrentreu 2010-05-17 08:51
Oh Pat!! Don't stop because of one ill mannered loudmouth! I think they should ban them from all buses if they are a distraction. After all the bus driver needs to be heard if there is an emergency. You were right!!!
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2010-05-17 09:26
I'm not stopping because of what you said: I fear for my life! By the way, in your previous comment, did you mean biases ? or buses? Interesting.
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0 # Barbara Ehrentreu 2010-05-17 13:14
No! I meant buses. I checked and I wrote that:) But biases would be very interesting:)
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REVIEWS TO PERUSE

I'm All Right, Jack:
"Jack" is not just all right, it's totally delightful and fresh as a daisy after all these years (made in 1959), with Sellers, although not technically the lead, giving the brilliant performance that launched him as an international star. He plays an all-too-zealous union leader and father of a blonde bombshell who falls for Stanley, the British Upper Class Twit played, also to perfection, by Ian Carmichael, who you might remember from the Lord Peter Wimsey series. The makeout scenes between the the Twit and the Bombshell are priceless. But what is Stanley doing in this working class atmosphere anyway? Working. And too well at that. Forced by financial circumstances too dreary to discuss, he gets a job in his uncle's factory and messes things up for the other workers by, well, working, and thus making his fellow employees look bad. The film takes a big shot at unions — but also at management: they are manipulating white-collar thieves who'll do anything for a buck. Or a pound. Except for the ones, like Major Hitchcock, played by Terry Thomas, who are just plain lazy and inept. Needless to say, Stanley foils everybody's plans, labor and management alike, to my great joy and delight. Oh, and on top of everything else, Margaret Rutherford plays dotty dowager Aunt Dolly. Delicious!

 The Big Lebowski:
What can you say that hasn't been said before: brilliant, inspired, with some of the most memorable lines ever to come out of a movie, the most quoted being "The Dude abides." Oh yes. For anyone who hasn't yet seen the film, and it's now out in a special Blu-Ray edition if that floats your bowling ball. The Dude in question,  played to perfection by Jeff Bridges, is an out-of-work pothead who is roughed up and has his rug destroyed by some thugs mistaking him for another, bigger, Lebowski. The Dude is really upset about this because, man, "that rug really tied the room together," which The Dude says with all seriousness and not a trace of irony, a great comic touch considering the condition his condition is in.  Oh, and besides "Just Dropped In," all the music is perfect for the film. The plot, according to Wikipedia, which has been known to be wrong, is "loosely based on Raymond chandler's novel, The Big Sleep." Could be. But who cares. It involves a bowling competition, "the occasional acid flashback," a trophy wife, a group of German nihilists, a kidnapping gone awry, a mad millionaire and his lackey, in another great performance by Philip Seymour Hoffman. Actually, they're all great performances. Never a fan of John Goodman before or since, he is brilliant in this film. And so are John Turturro, overacting his little heart out, Steve Buscemi in a nerdy, needy role that makes you marvel at his star turn in Boardwalk Empire, and even the actors in the smaller parts, especially Julianne Moore and Sam Elliott. Elliott plays The Stranger (God? Everyman? The part of us that roots for the bad boy?) who elicits from Bridges the immortal words, "The Dude abides." Which prompts The Stranger to comment to the audience: "Don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals." We'll never know about the bowling trophy because there's never been a sequel to this 1998 film by the great Coen Brothers, and I hope there never will be. It just abides, as all great films do.

Prince of the City:
Okay, the criticisms of this movie are not totally unfounded: it's too long, and Treat Williams may have overacted a bit, although I found him so deliciously charming I couldn't care less, and there's one part concerning the Jerry Orbach character I just didn't understand. But get over it, The New Yorker, this is one powerful movie. And yes, Dog Day Afternoon it isn't, but what it? The DVD has a great special feature with Williams (I so want to call him Treat) and Sidney (what the hell: I once made a meatloaf sandwich for the man) that explains a lot about filmmaking in general and this movie in particular. Also, Sidney's views on good and evil, and how things are not so black and white as you think. I loved it.

Bad Day At Black Rock:
Recommended on TCM by Robert Osbourne as a film he originally had no interest in seeing, then loved it, and by Alex Baldwin, who pointed out the great actors in the cast, including Lee Marvin, Ernest Brognine and Dean Jagger. Well, after all that, I had to like it, right?  I did. A lot. It was a Good Day On My Couch.
Behind the Scenes Stuff: Spencer Tracey was off drinking and wouldn't commit to the film until the producers (who wanted him desperately) told him that they had Alan Ladd, at which point Tracey grabbed it.  He was perfect for the part, wearing a dark suit and tie the entire time in a western setting,  pulling it off perfectly. Other than that "fashion statement," the film makes a strong case against racism: the hatred of the Japanese during WW2. See it.

Song of The Thin Man:
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The Children's Hour:
It had its moments, and just looking at Audrey Hepburn makes life worth living, but mostly I kept thinking that the play, by Lillian Hellman, was so much better. It's about two young women runing a school for girls, who are accused by a hateful little brat of being (GASP!) lesbians. And although the closest we get in this 1961 production to using that actual term is the word "unnatural," it's enough to ruin their lives.  A young Shirley McClaine is worth seeing in this, and James Garner, and Audrey Hepburn is, well, Audrey Hepburn. The rumor of the love that dare not speak its name is totally untrue — or is it? And I'll say no more, because you should see the movie for yourself, imperfect as it may be, as is Life Itself.

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