Sun

02

May

2010

I Look Good In Orange
Written by Pat Fortunato   
womeninorange.jpgAdmit it. There's something illegal you really, really want to do.

You don't do it because you'd probably go to jail, your mother told you it was wrong, you'd probably go to jail, it would be immoral, you'd probably go to jail, it would be bad for your karma, and you'd probably go to jail.

You do the crime, you do the time.

And even though I do look good in orange, me in the slammer would not be a pretty sight. For starters, they'd never let me bring in my hair dryer, let alone those all-too-necessary tweezers. Besides, I have a problem with authority figures, and I'm not good at staying in line. But if all that weren't the case, I'd be tempted to walk on the illegal side, just a little around the edges.

Crimes I'd like to commit include, but are not limited to, the following:

•Max out the cash option on all my credit cards, take the money and run —
 to Brazil, where I'd sit in the sun and stroll to outdoor bars and drink caipirinhas, those cool drinks they all have down there.
Why I won't do it:
The women in Brazil look fantastic, and every one of them has had plastic surgery, so  I would feel like a fossil sipping cocktails in a bar, much less sunning on the beach. Besides, these women get Brazilians, those wax jobs they get down there, literally. Ouch! Not going to touch that.

But there are other things I could do, closer to home . . .

Smack that annoying woman on the Crosstown Bus.
Not enough to inflict serious damage, but just enough to get her attention and make her stop cursing on her cell phone. Did I mention that she has a volume control disorder?
Why I won't do it:
That woman is big, and if she retaliated, which she most certainly would, I wouldn't have a prayer. She might be the one to end up in the slammer, which could be a nice form of revenge. but that could involve pain. For me. Forget it.

Tie the kids in the apartment directly above ours to the radiator.
Okay, they have covers — the radiators, not the kids — but I'd find a way.
No judge or jury in the land would find me guilty if they spent a day in my slippers (the kids, on the other hand, must be wearing combat boots).
It would be justifiable bonditude, or jury nullification at the very least. Man, those kids can sure stomp around. Of course, in order to bind up the little buggers, I'd have to break and enter. That ups the ante on jail time.
Why I won't do it:
I can't think of a single reason, except that I don't know how to break and enter. Maybe they'll move.

Sneak into shoe stores and saw off the 5 or 6 inch spike heels that tempt and mock me.
That way, when I walk among women I would look merely petite, and not like a midget. Because, honestly,  I can't even stand up in anything over 2 inches.
Why I won't do it:
This, too, would involve breaking and entering. Jail time for sure. Also, I don't own a saw.
Not worth it. Let them wear heels.

Track down the producer of that radio show who stole my script for The 13th Floor
and steal something of his.
Why I won't do it:
He's probably dead by now.

Pull off one really big scam and live the rest of my life in total luxury.
This has been a fantasy of mine for years. Yours, too?
Why I won't do it:
It might hurt someone.
Okay, I'm a bad liar. The real reason: I can't think of a really big scam I could actually pull off,  because I'm a bad liar.

Kidnap Goerge Clooney and make him take me to his villa on Lake Como, where I'd finally learn Italian and who knows what else.
Why I won't do it:
Who sez I won't do it!

Hey, I told you I look good in orange.

 
This is a threaded commenting system. click [Reply to this comment] for your comment to be underneath the comment you're replying to.

Comments  

 
0 # Diana 2010-05-04 04:02
Re: the smack might be a good idea...
A true 57th Crosstown bus story. Several years ago, a woman speaking very loudly to her friend on her cell phone from the moment she stepped into the bus was totally annoying all passengers; of course, all the rolling eyes unnoticed by her. Finally, a very slight woman, dressed in a beige raincoat and headscarf mustered the courage to get up and tell her to pipe down. The very next second later, we all hear her shout into her cell "Shirley, you never guess who just told me to shut up--Helen Gurley Brown!" She got off the bus at her stop still talking about her amazing NY celeb encounter. Only in New York, kids...
Reply | Reply with quote | Quote
 
 
0 # Pat Fortunato 2010-05-04 04:27
Great story! I have a funny one about the 23rd Street Crosstown, which involves a lot of foul language and a close call. I think I'll post it next time.
Meanwhile, I guess you don't think I should kidnap Clooney.
Reply | Reply with quote | Quote
 
 
0 # Diana 2010-05-04 11:51
Oh, go ahead and grab him. You do look good in orange.
Just promise to calll me when you do. My schedule is realitively clear in June and we know Italy is warm and less crowded then.
Reply | Reply with quote | Quote
 
 
0 # Pat Fortunato 2010-05-05 04:42
A threesome? And a kidnapping? How much time would we get for that?
And do we care . . .
Reply | Reply with quote | Quote
 
 
0 # bluzdude 2010-05-05 13:14
I would pack a bb gun and shoot anyone that got onto an escalator, pulled up alongside someone and just stood there enjoying the ride, like they're at Disneyland, while all the people that actually have somewhere to go, jam up behind the.

I'd shoot them right in the behind and keep shooting until they stepped aside and let people pass. Then I'd pose and bow at the top of the escalator to soak up the applause from below.
Reply | Reply with quote | Quote
 
 
0 # Pat Fortunato 2010-05-05 13:28
Wow, Bluzdude, I hope YOU look good in orange!
Reply | Reply with quote | Quote
 

Add comment

Notify me of follow-up comments

Blog Roll

Comments

My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!

Bitter Patter

NO LAUGHING MATTER:

Did Demi Moore overdose
on laughing gas?? 
That's what's being reported
to those of us at:

A DEVOUT COWARD 
GOES TO THE DENTIST

Have you seen The Artist? Seeing it mentioned at
The Golden Globes reminded me that that not ALL movies are 
Incredibly Loud! 

Do NOT Google Santorum.
I warned you . . .

 I did it!
I actually got that 

LITTLE BLACK DRESS!

How hard was it?
Click on the link above
.

I also got my iPhone.
It's great.
Thank you Steve Jobs
Wherever you are.

  Just as I posted I WAS THE GIRL PHANTOM, I found a website called The Ghost Who Blogs about The Phantom comics:

http://falkonthewildside.blogspot.com

Writing Comics. . .
Was a small but wonderful part of my checkered career, and doing a post about it  brought back a lot of great memories. If you know any other women in NYC who wrote — or are writing — comics, tell me how to get in touch with them. 

I'm on a watching-old-movies kick these days.
Great way to lose yourself.
If you're lucky, you'll never be found. 

REVIEWS TO PERUSE

I'm All Right, Jack:
"Jack" is not just all right, it's totally delightful and fresh as a daisy after all these years (made in 1959), with Sellers, although not technically the lead, giving the brilliant performance that launched him as an international star. He plays an all-too-zealous union leader and father of a blonde bombshell who falls for Stanley, the British Upper Class Twit played, also to perfection, by Ian Carmichael, who you might remember from the Lord Peter Wimsey series. The makeout scenes between the the Twit and the Bombshell are priceless. But what is Stanley doing in this working class atmosphere anyway? Working. And too well at that. Forced by financial circumstances too dreary to discuss, he gets a job in his uncle's factory and messes things up for the other workers by, well, working, and thus making his fellow employees look bad. The film takes a big shot at unions — but also at management: they are manipulating white-collar thieves who'll do anything for a buck. Or a pound. Except for the ones, like Major Hitchcock, played by Terry Thomas, who are just plain lazy and inept. Needless to say, Stanley foils everybody's plans, labor and management alike, to my great joy and delight. Oh, and on top of everything else, Margaret Rutherford plays dotty dowager Aunt Dolly. Delicious!

 The Big Lebowski:
What can you say that hasn't been said before: brilliant, inspired, with some of the most memorable lines ever to come out of a movie, the most quoted being "The Dude abides." Oh yes. For anyone who hasn't yet seen the film, and it's now out in a special Blu-Ray edition if that floats your bowling ball. The Dude in question,  played to perfection by Jeff Bridges, is an out-of-work pothead who is roughed up and has his rug destroyed by some thugs mistaking him for another, bigger, Lebowski. The Dude is really upset about this because, man, "that rug really tied the room together," which The Dude says with all seriousness and not a trace of irony, a great comic touch considering the condition his condition is in.  Oh, and besides "Just Dropped In," all the music is perfect for the film. The plot, according to Wikipedia, which has been known to be wrong, is "loosely based on Raymond chandler's novel, The Big Sleep." Could be. But who cares. It involves a bowling competition, "the occasional acid flashback," a trophy wife, a group of German nihilists, a kidnapping gone awry, a mad millionaire and his lackey, in another great performance by Philip Seymour Hoffman. Actually, they're all great performances. Never a fan of John Goodman before or since, he is brilliant in this film. And so are John Turturro, overacting his little heart out, Steve Buscemi in a nerdy, needy role that makes you marvel at his star turn in Boardwalk Empire, and even the actors in the smaller parts, especially Julianne Moore and Sam Elliott. Elliott plays The Stranger (God? Everyman? The part of us that roots for the bad boy?) who elicits from Bridges the immortal words, "The Dude abides." Which prompts The Stranger to comment to the audience: "Don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals." We'll never know about the bowling trophy because there's never been a sequel to this 1998 film by the great Coen Brothers, and I hope there never will be. It just abides, as all great films do.

Prince of the City:
Okay, the criticisms of this movie are not totally unfounded: it's too long, and Treat Williams may have overacted a bit, although I found him so deliciously charming I couldn't care less, and there's one part concerning the Jerry Orbach character I just didn't understand. But get over it, The New Yorker, this is one powerful movie. And yes, Dog Day Afternoon it isn't, but what it? The DVD has a great special feature with Williams (I so want to call him Treat) and Sidney (what the hell: I once made a meatloaf sandwich for the man) that explains a lot about filmmaking in general and this movie in particular. Also, Sidney's views on good and evil, and how things are not so black and white as you think. I loved it.

Bad Day At Black Rock:
Recommended on TCM by Robert Osbourne as a film he originally had no interest in seeing, then loved it, and by Alex Baldwin, who pointed out the great actors in the cast, including Lee Marvin, Ernest Brognine and Dean Jagger. Well, after all that, I had to like it, right?  I did. A lot. It was a Good Day On My Couch.
Behind the Scenes Stuff: Spencer Tracey was off drinking and wouldn't commit to the film until the producers (who wanted him desperately) told him that they had Alan Ladd, at which point Tracey grabbed it.  He was perfect for the part, wearing a dark suit and tie the entire time in a western setting,  pulling it off perfectly. Other than that "fashion statement," the film makes a strong case against racism: the hatred of the Japanese during WW2. See it.

Song of The Thin Man:
I usually like these frothy, silly, suave, utter unrealistic films from the 30s and 40s, with William Powell and Myrna Loy as the couple we'd all like to be — if only we had the looks, brains, money, a huge capacity for drinking and a dog like Asta. But this one was a stinker, rather than a stinger, or maybe a sinker, because  it turned out to be the last, not to mention the least, in the series. Watch any of the others four sequels, but not this one: Even the pooch jumped the shark.

The Children's Hour:
It had its moments, and just looking at Audrey Hepburn makes life worth living, but mostly I kept thinking that the play, by Lillian Hellman, was so much better. It's about two young women runing a school for girls, who are accused by a hateful little brat of being (GASP!) lesbians. And although the closest we get in this 1961 production to using that actual term is the word "unnatural," it's enough to ruin their lives.  A young Shirley McClaine is worth seeing in this, and James Garner, and Audrey Hepburn is, well, Audrey Hepburn. The rumor of the love that dare not speak its name is totally untrue — or is it? And I'll say no more, because you should see the movie for yourself, imperfect as it may be, as is Life Itself.

Because when I am not blogging, I sometimes cook,
and because woman does not live
by martinis alone,
I like this blog:

grapesandgreens.blogspot.com

To comment on
BITTER PATTER
Click on:
Welcome To My Blog


Scroll down to
PAT'S FAVORITES
for a blast
from the past.
rssfeedV2