Sat 22 May 2010 |
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Detectives of Law & Order, listen
up! I need to hire you, ASAP, to search my apartment in New York City. Not for clues or
incriminating evidence, although that depends on how you define
"incriminating." No, I need you to find all the things Missing In Inaction (MII) that I will never see again unless you help. On L&O, they find everything! When they search an apartment for evidence — a ticket to Tahiti or a gun, smoking or otherwise — they find the damn thing in mere moments. "What do we have here, Lenny? Looks like the professor is planning a little sabbatical." Or, the exact opposite happens: they don't find what they're looking for — and are absolutely sure it isn't there. "The place is clean, Elliott. Let's check the car." I, on the other hand, lose things for hours, days, years, decades, and in a few sad cases, forever. I know only too well that poignant phrase, It's in here someplace. The Missing In Inaction items here are not tickets to Tahiti (I should live so long) or guns (I have no weapons except for cooking knives, which are rarely sharpened). But some of them are no smaller than a gun, so the cops should have no trouble succeeding where I have failed. Hey, Logan, have you seen my travel iron, last used in 1996? (Mr. Big can toss my crib any day!) And while you're at it, the travel alarm clock, which probably went missing about the same time. How about the tape measure that is "always" in the hall closet, except today. Or the one remaining hot plate that isn't cracked? The heating pad? The photo from the Millenium party that suddenly went MII ten years later? And the misses just keep on coming . . . Where's the remote? My nail file? My keys? Yes, these items are small, but these guys find hairs and hairpins (DNA! DNA!).So how about the heart-shaped bookmark from Tiffany's? And the robin's egg blue pen. The gold and green eye shadow I used this New Year's Eve? I really liked that. Okay, someone may have taken the bookmarks and the pen (unlikely, but possible), but who would walk off with that ratty heating pad? They're here someplace, dammit! The detectives are also good with paperwork. A suspicious bill from Guns 'R Us or a receipt from the One Night Stand Motel doesn't stand a chance when they're on the case. Okay, guys. Go directly to the den. In the closet you'll find the File Cabinet From Hell and in it, somewhere, are things I'd pay real money to find, including the list of restaurants in Paris for a friend who's going there this week. (I smell overtime pay on this one.) I'd like to keep the entire staff(s) of L&O on retainer: We could call it The Lost & Found Unit and I could call night and day for emergencies. Like losing the envelope I just had in my hands (IN MY HANDS!) five minutes ago (FIVE MINUTES AGO!) I've searched all over. Retraced my steps. To the kitchen. The bathroom. The closet where I was foraging around for gum, which I also didn't find. The stack of newspaper. My purse, where it had been earlier. I can't find an envelope I had five minutes ago, but they find evidence which may or may not exist and if it does, could be anywhere in the universe. I realize there's a difference between Life and TV, but this is ridiculous. I just know that Vincent D'Onofrio could tilt his head the way he does (that man must require serious chiropractic care) and tell me where — and why! — I lost the letter. He knows everything. Maybe I should see a shrink: Am I losing all these things instead of my mind? Because I harbor hidden hostility to heating pads and hot plates? To create confusion so that I don't have to think about real problems, such as why I watch all those episodes of Law and Order in the first place? Is there a void in my life that I am trying to fill with reruns? Hell. Where is Doctor Wong when you need him. It must have something to do with sex. What
am I searching for that's lost? My youth? My virginity? Okay, that's a stretch,
but I just know that Olivia would understand. I finally found the envelope. It was buried in the bedclothes. See? I told you it had sexual undertones. H'mm. What if . . .. I became a suspect in a crime. Would they let me watch while the cops searched my apartment? Would they find the hairbrush? The iridescent eye shadow? Would they get cranky if I just mentioned the travel iron? Look on the bright side; if all these things are in my apartment, they're not truly lost, only misplaced. Suppose I devoted a day, or two, or however long it took, to sifting through all my stuff. Would I find anything interesting? Incriminating? Things I forgot I had. Would I get all nostalgic and start Googling people I've lost track of. You lose people, too, although seldom without a trace. Maybe Anthony LaPaglia could help. Love his face. And maybe, just maybe, I would actually throw away some junk like I did when the kitchen was remodeled. I hardly ever lose anything in there anymore (except the knife sharpener — and the hot plate). Could this level of organization coexist peacefully in the entire apartment? Would I find the tape measure? The heart-shaped bookmark? And what would I do with all the time I now spend looking for things? Would I write more? Would people laugh? Is that a good thing? Frankly, detectives, I don't have a clue. For the original version of this post, check out: I'VE LOST IT! AKA: Law & Disorder
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Comments
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Bitter Patter
NO LAUGHING MATTER:
Did Demi Moore overdose
on laughing gas??
That's what's being reported
to those of us at:
A DEVOUT COWARD
GOES TO THE DENTIST
Have you seen The Artist? Seeing it mentioned at
The Golden Globes reminded me that that not ALL movies are
Incredibly Loud!
Do NOT Google Santorum.
I warned you . . .
I did it!
I actually got that
LITTLE BLACK DRESS!
How hard was it?
Click on the link above.
I also got my iPhone.
It's great.
Thank you Steve Jobs
Wherever you are.
Just as I posted I WAS THE GIRL PHANTOM, I found a website called The Ghost Who Blogs about The Phantom comics:
http://falkonthewildside.blogspot.com
Writing Comics. . .
Was a small but wonderful part of my checkered career, and doing a post about it brought back a lot of great memories. If you know any other women in NYC who wrote — or are writing — comics, tell me how to get in touch with them.
I'm on a watching-old-movies kick these days.
Great way to lose yourself.
If you're lucky, you'll never be found.
REVIEWS TO PERUSE
I'm All Right, Jack:
"Jack" is not just all right, it's totally delightful and fresh as a daisy after all these years (made in 1959), with Sellers, although not technically the lead, giving the brilliant performance that launched him as an international star. He plays an all-too-zealous union leader and father of a blonde bombshell who falls for Stanley, the British Upper Class Twit played, also to perfection, by Ian Carmichael, who you might remember from the Lord Peter Wimsey series. The makeout scenes between the the Twit and the Bombshell are priceless. But what is Stanley doing in this working class atmosphere anyway? Working. And too well at that. Forced by financial circumstances too dreary to discuss, he gets a job in his uncle's factory and messes things up for the other workers by, well, working, and thus making his fellow employees look bad. The film takes a big shot at unions — but also at management: they are manipulating white-collar thieves who'll do anything for a buck. Or a pound. Except for the ones, like Major Hitchcock, played by Terry Thomas, who are just plain lazy and inept. Needless to say, Stanley foils everybody's plans, labor and management alike, to my great joy and delight. Oh, and on top of everything else, Margaret Rutherford plays dotty dowager Aunt Dolly. Delicious!
The Big Lebowski:
What can you say that hasn't been said before: brilliant, inspired, with some of the most memorable lines ever to come out of a movie, the most quoted being "The Dude abides." Oh yes. For anyone who hasn't yet seen the film, and it's now out in a special Blu-Ray edition if that floats your bowling ball. The Dude in question, played to perfection by Jeff Bridges, is an out-of-work pothead who is roughed up and has his rug destroyed by some thugs mistaking him for another, bigger, Lebowski. The Dude is really upset about this because, man, "that rug really tied the room together," which The Dude says with all seriousness and not a trace of irony, a great comic touch considering the condition his condition is in. Oh, and besides "Just Dropped In," all the music is perfect for the film. The plot, according to Wikipedia, which has been known to be wrong, is "loosely based on Raymond chandler's novel, The Big Sleep." Could be. But who cares. It involves a bowling competition, "the occasional acid flashback," a trophy wife, a group of German nihilists, a kidnapping gone awry, a mad millionaire and his lackey, in another great performance by Philip Seymour Hoffman. Actually, they're all great performances. Never a fan of John Goodman before or since, he is brilliant in this film. And so are John Turturro, overacting his little heart out, Steve Buscemi in a nerdy, needy role that makes you marvel at his star turn in Boardwalk Empire, and even the actors in the smaller parts, especially Julianne Moore and Sam Elliott. Elliott plays The Stranger (God? Everyman? The part of us that roots for the bad boy?) who elicits from Bridges the immortal words, "The Dude abides." Which prompts The Stranger to comment to the audience: "Don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals." We'll never know about the bowling trophy because there's never been a sequel to this 1998 film by the great Coen Brothers, and I hope there never will be. It just abides, as all great films do.
Prince of the City:
Okay, the criticisms of this movie are not totally unfounded: it's too long, and Treat Williams may have overacted a bit, although I found him so deliciously charming I couldn't care less, and there's one part concerning the Jerry Orbach character I just didn't understand. But get over it, The New Yorker, this is one powerful movie. And yes, Dog Day Afternoon it isn't, but what it? The DVD has a great special feature with Williams (I so want to call him Treat) and Sidney (what the hell: I once made a meatloaf sandwich for the man) that explains a lot about filmmaking in general and this movie in particular. Also, Sidney's views on good and evil, and how things are not so black and white as you think. I loved it.
Bad Day At Black Rock:
Recommended on TCM by Robert Osbourne as a film he originally had no interest in seeing, then loved it, and by Alex Baldwin, who pointed out the great actors in the cast, including Lee Marvin, Ernest Brognine and Dean Jagger. Well, after all that, I had to like it, right? I did. A lot. It was a Good Day On My Couch.
Behind the Scenes Stuff: Spencer Tracey was off drinking and wouldn't commit to the film until the producers (who wanted him desperately) told him that they had Alan Ladd, at which point Tracey grabbed it. He was perfect for the part, wearing a dark suit and tie the entire time in a western setting, pulling it off perfectly. Other than that "fashion statement," the film makes a strong case against racism: the hatred of the Japanese during WW2. See it.
Song of The Thin Man:
I usually like these frothy, silly, suave, utter unrealistic films from the 30s and 40s, with William Powell and Myrna Loy as the couple we'd all like to be — if only we had the looks, brains, money, a huge capacity for drinking and a dog like Asta. But this one was a stinker, rather than a stinger, or maybe a sinker, because it turned out to be the last, not to mention the least, in the series. Watch any of the others four sequels, but not this one: Even the pooch jumped the shark.
The Children's Hour:
It had its moments, and just looking at Audrey Hepburn makes life worth living, but mostly I kept thinking that the play, by Lillian Hellman, was so much better. It's about two young women runing a school for girls, who are accused by a hateful little brat of being (GASP!) lesbians. And although the closest we get in this 1961 production to using that actual term is the word "unnatural," it's enough to ruin their lives. A young Shirley McClaine is worth seeing in this, and James Garner, and Audrey Hepburn is, well, Audrey Hepburn. The rumor of the love that dare not speak its name is totally untrue — or is it? And I'll say no more, because you should see the movie for yourself, imperfect as it may be, as is Life Itself.
by martinis alone,
I like this blog:
grapesandgreens.blogspot.com
BITTER PATTER
Click on:
Welcome To My Blog
Scroll down to
PAT'S FAVORITES
for a blast
from the past.
Detectives of Law & Order, listen
up! I need to hire you, ASAP, to search my apartment in New York City. Not for clues or
incriminating evidence, although that depends on how you define
"incriminating." No, I need you to find all the things Missing In Inaction (MII) that I will never see again unless you help.
It must have something to do with sex. What
am I searching for that's lost? My youth? My virginity? Okay, that's a stretch,
but I just know that Olivia would understand. 




Comments
Do you live alone Mam?
Lenny
Who needs it? "Am I crazy?" asked the Madhatter. And Alice answered,
"All the best people are." We need more people like Alice. See that movie!
I'm not suggesting that you go through what I did, but maybe a once a year top to bottom cleaning might work for this.:) Just a thought!!!
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