Mon

06

Sep

2010

HELP! I Need A Home Run
Written by Pat Fortunato   
bobbythompson.jpgHow can an obituary cheer you up?

Well, for starters, the person who died is not you.  That's a good thing. I know someone who reads them every day to make sure she's not included. So far, so good.

But one recent obit in The New York Times really gave me a lift.

It was for Bobby Thompson, you know, the guy who fired "the shot heard round the world" — the homer that won the pennant for the Giants in 1951. It was a really big deal at the time, before our minds were occupied with the Three G's: Lady Gaga, Google, and Glenn Beck.

Back then, it was a real Casey At The Bat moment: Bottom of the ninth, third game of a three-game playoff, Giants down by two, one strike against Thompson.

Actually, he had a lot of strikes against him, in a metaphorical sense, not that anyone was getting all metaphorical at the moment. But in retrospect, a person could be really inspired by this story.

Up until the ninth inning, Thomson's game was in the toilet. He had a hit in the second, but tried to stretch it to a double even though someone was already on second base. Whoops. Don't you just hate those embarrassing rundowns? Then he let the Dodgers get a 4-1 lead by missing two ground balls in the eighth inning. Ouch.

If he had lived in our current snarky age, someone (not me, course) would have dubbed him
"Booby"Thompson.

But of course, all was forgiven when he hit the historic homer, then sailed around the bases as the crowd went, predictably, wild. All that anyone remembers about him is the hit, not any of the misses.

So unless everything is going perfectly for you, and you're on the cover of Time this week, or People at the very least, and you haven't screwed up royally at least a few times in your life, there's something really important here for you to think about. . .

All you have to do to fix everything in your life  (metaphorically speaking) is:
Hit a home run in the ninth.
 

Not  impossible, although easier said than done. I've been trying to figure this out for myself, and it's bit tricky since I don't know an infield fly rule from a fruit fly (more about that later), but hey, we are talking metaphorically.

First I thought that I could just leave something in my will to someone who wasn't expecting anything. Even something small could have an impact, and would make me a hero to at least one person. But then, everyone else who wasn't expecting anything would be pissed, thereby sabotaging the whole scheme.

I could make a lot of people happy by baking Alice B. Toklas brownies and passing them out to everyone  my building (it's a big building). But to be realistic, the buzz wouldn't last long enough to make a lasting impression, and I could get evicted.

I did think of the absolutely perfect They'd-Hold-A-Parade-For-Me solution:

pinkbug.jpgFind the cure for bedbugs.

Of  course, if I ever even saw a bed bug I'd go into
Analytic Shock:
Why can't anyone get rid of these things?
Why did they virtually disappear from New York for 40 years and suddenly reappear? Are they coming in on visitors from other countries? Other planets? Is it because we banned DDT?

(Please note: This photo does not depict an actual bed bug, which is smaller but not as cute.)

So. I need your help.

Come up with some ideas for something that would make a person a hero (you or me)  — something that could wipe out a lifetime of My Bads. Even though, let's face it, I personally have not been THAT bad.

IN OTHER WORDS:
WHAT WOULD CONSTITUTE A METAPHORIC "HOME RUN IN THE NINTH?
"


 

 
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0 # Barbara Ehrentreu 2010-09-07 09:33
The cure for bedbugs is a good one, but I'm not sure what would do that.:) I worry about going into NYC these days because of the bedbugs. Maybe it could be a silent alert like they have for ants and roaches. It's a plug in device and you put several of them in one room where the infestation has been. Of course, you have to get rid of them first, but this is for the ones you can't see. Also, bedbugs can't be seen during the day. You have to creep up on them at night when it's dark and then turn on the light after you've gotten out of bed. People say you can see them then. I have never personally seen any and hope never to see any in my life! However, I did go into someone's apt a few years ago who had them and had to get rid of all their furniture and buy new mattresses. It's an expensive infestation!

So what do you think? A sonic cure for bedbugs???

Or maybe you could find a cure for cancer! They're so close now.
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2010-09-07 11:30
Hi, Barbara: What's that rhyme about the purple cow: I hope I'll never see one, but I'd rather see than be one. Goes double for bed bugs.
Anyway, I'm not good with electronics either so it's unlikely I'll come up with a sonic cure for anything.
But thanks for your thoughts.
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2010-09-07 12:29
But Barbara, to test the thing, I'd have to go someplace that's infected. Yecch!!
I'll go pretty far for material for the blog, but not that far.
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0 # Diana 2010-09-08 06:04
Chief
I'm going to ignore the bedbug issue altogether.
A female version of the Home Run in the Ninth:
Introducing a single friend over forty to the love of her life, they marry, and he turns out to be exactly who she thought he was. He also doesn't care that she makes more money than he does.
OK, it's a bit Disney-esque, but it could happen. Although, if that makes 40 the metaphoric bottom of the ninth, not sure I like this anymore...never mind.
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0 # Sharon 2010-09-10 09:20
My good friend just found the love of her life (without my help) at age 70. I am so happy for her ...except- My friend who was always available to me for girl talk, shopping expeditions, listening to me complain about my husband, house keeper, sister-in-law or whoever is now busy with her new love all the time. So... be careful what you wish for or where you hit that home run. But I guess if I could take credit for her relationship I might feel better about it...knowing that at least 2 people would remember me fondly after I am gone.
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2010-09-10 16:36
Oh Sharon, she'll become available to you again once the bloom of "young love" has faded and she becomes part of an established couple. Hey, you're available to your friends, aren't you?
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2010-09-10 16:32
H'mm. Now which single over 40 could I perform this home run for?
And you know what? It doesn't HAVE to be in the ninth.
Metaphorically speaking, Thompson's homer was not in the ninth inning of his life.
But who remembers what he did after that.
Yours is an interesting suggestion . .
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0 # nothingprofound 2010-09-09 06:30
How about that timeless poem or novel you've been coyly hiding under the rock of your anonymous existence for 40 or 50 years. Isn't it time you unleashed it on the world and gained your ninth inning glory and immortal fame.
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2010-09-09 06:51
I haven't got a novel under a rock, but I have some thoughts about one. Meanwhile, does a blog count? The essays I write make some people happy, so they tell me. But is this "profound" enough?
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0 # Gary Poole 2010-09-12 11:14
I think if we look back, all of us have hit home runs throughout our lives, and since, hopefully, we're not in the bottom of theninth inninng, yet, let's just keep stepping up into the batters box and keep on swinging! I hit a big home run back in 1975, but the group I was with then insists that we remain anonymous.
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REVIEWS TO PERUSE

I'm All Right, Jack:
"Jack" is not just all right, it's totally delightful and fresh as a daisy after all these years (made in 1959), with Sellers, although not technically the lead, giving the brilliant performance that launched him as an international star. He plays an all-too-zealous union leader and father of a blonde bombshell who falls for Stanley, the British Upper Class Twit played, also to perfection, by Ian Carmichael, who you might remember from the Lord Peter Wimsey series. The makeout scenes between the the Twit and the Bombshell are priceless. But what is Stanley doing in this working class atmosphere anyway? Working. And too well at that. Forced by financial circumstances too dreary to discuss, he gets a job in his uncle's factory and messes things up for the other workers by, well, working, and thus making his fellow employees look bad. The film takes a big shot at unions — but also at management: they are manipulating white-collar thieves who'll do anything for a buck. Or a pound. Except for the ones, like Major Hitchcock, played by Terry Thomas, who are just plain lazy and inept. Needless to say, Stanley foils everybody's plans, labor and management alike, to my great joy and delight. Oh, and on top of everything else, Margaret Rutherford plays dotty dowager Aunt Dolly. Delicious!

 The Big Lebowski:
What can you say that hasn't been said before: brilliant, inspired, with some of the most memorable lines ever to come out of a movie, the most quoted being "The Dude abides." Oh yes. For anyone who hasn't yet seen the film, and it's now out in a special Blu-Ray edition if that floats your bowling ball. The Dude in question,  played to perfection by Jeff Bridges, is an out-of-work pothead who is roughed up and has his rug destroyed by some thugs mistaking him for another, bigger, Lebowski. The Dude is really upset about this because, man, "that rug really tied the room together," which The Dude says with all seriousness and not a trace of irony, a great comic touch considering the condition his condition is in.  Oh, and besides "Just Dropped In," all the music is perfect for the film. The plot, according to Wikipedia, which has been known to be wrong, is "loosely based on Raymond chandler's novel, The Big Sleep." Could be. But who cares. It involves a bowling competition, "the occasional acid flashback," a trophy wife, a group of German nihilists, a kidnapping gone awry, a mad millionaire and his lackey, in another great performance by Philip Seymour Hoffman. Actually, they're all great performances. Never a fan of John Goodman before or since, he is brilliant in this film. And so are John Turturro, overacting his little heart out, Steve Buscemi in a nerdy, needy role that makes you marvel at his star turn in Boardwalk Empire, and even the actors in the smaller parts, especially Julianne Moore and Sam Elliott. Elliott plays The Stranger (God? Everyman? The part of us that roots for the bad boy?) who elicits from Bridges the immortal words, "The Dude abides." Which prompts The Stranger to comment to the audience: "Don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals." We'll never know about the bowling trophy because there's never been a sequel to this 1998 film by the great Coen Brothers, and I hope there never will be. It just abides, as all great films do.

Prince of the City:
Okay, the criticisms of this movie are not totally unfounded: it's too long, and Treat Williams may have overacted a bit, although I found him so deliciously charming I couldn't care less, and there's one part concerning the Jerry Orbach character I just didn't understand. But get over it, The New Yorker, this is one powerful movie. And yes, Dog Day Afternoon it isn't, but what it? The DVD has a great special feature with Williams (I so want to call him Treat) and Sidney (what the hell: I once made a meatloaf sandwich for the man) that explains a lot about filmmaking in general and this movie in particular. Also, Sidney's views on good and evil, and how things are not so black and white as you think. I loved it.

Bad Day At Black Rock:
Recommended on TCM by Robert Osbourne as a film he originally had no interest in seeing, then loved it, and by Alex Baldwin, who pointed out the great actors in the cast, including Lee Marvin, Ernest Brognine and Dean Jagger. Well, after all that, I had to like it, right?  I did. A lot. It was a Good Day On My Couch.
Behind the Scenes Stuff: Spencer Tracey was off drinking and wouldn't commit to the film until the producers (who wanted him desperately) told him that they had Alan Ladd, at which point Tracey grabbed it.  He was perfect for the part, wearing a dark suit and tie the entire time in a western setting,  pulling it off perfectly. Other than that "fashion statement," the film makes a strong case against racism: the hatred of the Japanese during WW2. See it.

Song of The Thin Man:
I usually like these frothy, silly, suave, utter unrealistic films from the 30s and 40s, with William Powell and Myrna Loy as the couple we'd all like to be — if only we had the looks, brains, money, a huge capacity for drinking and a dog like Asta. But this one was a stinker, rather than a stinger, or maybe a sinker, because  it turned out to be the last, not to mention the least, in the series. Watch any of the others four sequels, but not this one: Even the pooch jumped the shark.

The Children's Hour:
It had its moments, and just looking at Audrey Hepburn makes life worth living, but mostly I kept thinking that the play, by Lillian Hellman, was so much better. It's about two young women runing a school for girls, who are accused by a hateful little brat of being (GASP!) lesbians. And although the closest we get in this 1961 production to using that actual term is the word "unnatural," it's enough to ruin their lives.  A young Shirley McClaine is worth seeing in this, and James Garner, and Audrey Hepburn is, well, Audrey Hepburn. The rumor of the love that dare not speak its name is totally untrue — or is it? And I'll say no more, because you should see the movie for yourself, imperfect as it may be, as is Life Itself.

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