The E-Mail From Hell
Written by Pat Fortunato   
Monday, 05 December 2011 16:32


No, it's not a Nigerian letter or yet another solicitation from Omaha Steaks (how many sirloins do these people think I can eat?).

GrimReaperIt's a death threat.

Really!!!

"Hello," it begins, cordially enough . . .

"How are you doing am nick Nichols (the name has been changed to protect whoever) some one you've offended before and now wants to revenge gave me your full details e.g your email you pics your family's pics your place of work and time you go to work the person who gave me this details told me to eliminate you witch means I should kill you before next month have been tracking all your moves but i asked my workers to leave that you don't worth to be killed they send me some videos and pictures via email and you don't look like some one who offended any one that the person will even pay that you should be killed the person who gave me this project called me yesterday and was asking why you have not been killed but am thinking of assisting you in some way maybe you will pay for me to that person for you and that will cost you some cash if you want to make it a deal email me before the next 24 hours or you count your self a dead man i also want you to have it in mind that if you dear try reporting to the corps i swear to God i will get rid of you . i got my men's watching all your moves they can even get rid of you any time just a call from me then you count your self dead i will be expecting a response from you to know the step am gonna take and don't forget as soon as you get the corps involved you know what the result is have a good time and i want you to know put your hole trust in me that as soon as you make it a deal that we would get rid of that person for you have a good day and am waiting for a response

Nick.

After waiting more than 24 hours, actually more than three months (I am no hero), here's my reply:

Death Threat In An E-Mail???

Dear "Nick":
Do you really think it's a good idea to send death threats that show your email address? Just saying.

It's very nice of you to say that I don't look like someone who offended anyone, but I assure you that is not the case at all. Why just the other day, someone on Facebook (you're not a hired hand from Facebook, are you?) was miffed about a post I did suggesting (as a joke, Nick, as a joke!) that children's books could ruin your life. Perhaps you should read that post, because from the tone of your email, you may have had some negative influences in your life, and this could help. Hey, if the Little Engine could go straight, you can too.

Dr.PhiljpgOr you could just call Dr. Phil.

In any event, reading books of any nature might help you with, like, you know, spelling and grammar and stuff. I'm hardly in any position to criticize, but some of your writing is quite, let's just say . . . creative. See, it's hard to really trust someone who asks for my "hole trust." Unless that's what you meant. Goodness, I hope not!

No, Nick, I'm not going to the "corps," just the Internet. I have a lot of close personal friends on various social networks who just might not like your attitude, let alone your lack of punctuation and unfamiliarly with the concept of paragraphs.

On the other hand, you did tell me to have a good day, so there must be some sense of decency left in you. I will cling to that idea, and hopefully, to my life, for a long time to come.

Since I know you'll be busy searching your soul as to why you'd write anybody something like this, I won't expect a reply. Don't email me again except to report that you've seen the light and now have a job writing those nice inspiring quotes I get everyday.
Or to say, Just kidding! That would be nice.

And remember, I know where you live at Yahoo, and so does Uncle Nunzio.

Respectfully,
Pat

For further reading (Nick, this includes you):  

Thank God For Uncle Nunzio
Can Children's Books Ruin Our Lives?
 
Nigerian Letters at Urgant! Read My Blog 

 
This is a threaded commenting system. click [Reply to this comment] for your comment to be underneath the comment you're replying to.

Comments  

 
0 # Lucy 2011-12-07 09:57
OMG! Can't you report this to the Internet Police or something? Is there such a thing?
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2011-12-07 22:32
There should be. We could call them InterPol. Oh wait, that name is taken.
Better name, anyone? Cyper Cops MUST be taken.
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0 # Elf Ahearn 2011-12-07 19:41
What a horrible email! Glad you took it with your usual excellent sense of humor, even if it did take six months to muster a smile.
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2011-12-07 22:31
Ya gotta laugh. . .
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0 # Nick 2011-12-08 09:43
Our you still a live ?!
Nick
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2011-12-08 10:00
Yes, but I just got this email from Janey 222

How are you,
Please reply me
i have important
discussion to
discuss with
urgently.
Janet.

Is Janey/Janet connected with this case? Same MO.
Reply | Reply with quote | Quote
 

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Bitter Patter

Friday the 13th 
Came and went.

I bought a lottery ticket 
And didn't win.  

Reread
 
THE 13th FLOOR
To remind myself how lucky I am.

WENT FISHING!

Well, eating fish anyway.
And swimming, although not with the fishes in the Uncle Nunzio sense.

Back from the Caribbean. 
But don't be TOO jealous:

My tan has already faded. 
Besdies, before we left, I had to go through 

THE ELEVEN STAGES OF PACKING
Which is not for sissies.

Just got a call from 
(Gasp!) the dental hygienist. 
Hasn't she read:

A DEVOUT COWARD 
GOES TO THE DENTIST

Do NOT Google Santorum.
I warned you . . .

 Just as I posted I WAS THE GIRL PHANTOM, I found a website called The Ghost Who Blogs about The Phantom comics:

http://falkonthewildside.blogspot.com

Writing Comics. . .
Was a small but wonderful part of my checkered career, and doing a post about it  brought back a lot of great memories. If you know any other women in NYC who wrote — or are writing — comics, tell me how to get in touch with them. 

I'm on a watching-old-movies kick these days.
Great way to lose yourself.
If you're lucky, you'll never be found. 

REVIEWS TO PERUSE

I'm All Right, Jack:
"Jack" is not just all right, it's totally delightful and fresh as a daisy after all these years (made in 1959), with Sellers, although not technically the lead, giving the brilliant performance that launched him as an international star. He plays an all-too-zealous union leader and father of a blonde bombshell who falls for Stanley, the British Upper Class Twit played, also to perfection, by Ian Carmichael, who you might remember from the Lord Peter Wimsey series. The makeout scenes between the the Twit and the Bombshell are priceless. But what is Stanley doing in this working class atmosphere anyway? Working. And too well at that. Forced by financial circumstances too dreary to discuss, he gets a job in his uncle's factory and messes things up for the other workers by, well, working, and thus making his fellow employees look bad. The film takes a big shot at unions — but also at management: they are manipulating white-collar thieves who'll do anything for a buck. Or a pound. Except for the ones, like Major Hitchcock, played by Terry Thomas, who are just plain lazy and inept. Needless to say, Stanley foils everybody's plans, labor and management alike, to my great joy and delight. Oh, and on top of everything else, Margaret Rutherford plays dotty dowager Aunt Dolly. Delicious!

 The Big Lebowski:
What can you say that hasn't been said before: brilliant, inspired, with some of the most memorable lines ever to come out of a movie, the most quoted being "The Dude abides." Oh yes. For anyone who hasn't yet seen the film, and it's now out in a special Blu-Ray edition if that floats your bowling ball. The Dude in question,  played to perfection by Jeff Bridges, is an out-of-work pothead who is roughed up and has his rug destroyed by some thugs mistaking him for another, bigger, Lebowski. The Dude is really upset about this because, man, "that rug really tied the room together," which The Dude says with all seriousness and not a trace of irony, a great comic touch considering the condition his condition is in.  Oh, and besides "Just Dropped In," all the music is perfect for the film. The plot, according to Wikipedia, which has been known to be wrong, is "loosely based on Raymond chandler's novel, The Big Sleep." Could be. But who cares. It involves a bowling competition, "the occasional acid flashback," a trophy wife, a group of German nihilists, a kidnapping gone awry, a mad millionaire and his lackey, in another great performance by Philip Seymour Hoffman. Actually, they're all great performances. Never a fan of John Goodman before or since, he is brilliant in this film. And so are John Turturro, overacting his little heart out, Steve Buscemi in a nerdy, needy role that makes you marvel at his star turn in Boardwalk Empire, and even the actors in the smaller parts, especially Julianne Moore and Sam Elliott. Elliott plays The Stranger (God? Everyman? The part of us that roots for the bad boy?) who elicits from Bridges the immortal words, "The Dude abides." Which prompts The Stranger to comment to the audience: "Don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals." We'll never know about the bowling trophy because there's never been a sequel to this 1998 film by the great Coen Brothers, and I hope there never will be. It just abides, as all great films do.

Prince of the City:
Okay, the criticisms of this movie are not totally unfounded: it's too long, and Treat Williams may have overacted a bit, although I found him so deliciously charming I couldn't care less, and there's one part concerning the Jerry Orbach character I just didn't understand. But get over it, The New Yorker, this is one powerful movie. And yes, Dog Day Afternoon it isn't, but what it? The DVD has a great special feature with Williams (I so want to call him Treat) and Sidney (what the hell: I once made a meatloaf sandwich for the man) that explains a lot about filmmaking in general and this movie in particular. Also, Sidney's views on good and evil, and how things are not so black and white as you think. I loved it.

Bad Day At Black Rock:
Recommended on TCM by Robert Osbourne as a film he originally had no interest in seeing, then loved it, and by Alex Baldwin, who pointed out the great actors in the cast, including Lee Marvin, Ernest Brognine and Dean Jagger. Well, after all that, I had to like it, right?  I did. A lot. It was a Good Day On My Couch.
Behind the Scenes Stuff: Spencer Tracey was off drinking and wouldn't commit to the film until the producers (who wanted him desperately) told him that they had Alan Ladd, at which point Tracey grabbed it.  He was perfect for the part, wearing a dark suit and tie the entire time in a western setting,  pulling it off perfectly. Other than that "fashion statement," the film makes a strong case against racism: the hatred of the Japanese during WW2. See it.

Song of The Thin Man:
I usually like these frothy, silly, suave, utter unrealistic films from the 30s and 40s, with William Powell and Myrna Loy as the couple we'd all like to be — if only we had the looks, brains, money, a huge capacity for drinking and a dog like Asta. But this one was a stinker, rather than a stinger, or maybe a sinker, because  it turned out to be the last, not to mention the least, in the series. Watch any of the others four sequels, but not this one: Even the pooch jumped the shark.

The Children's Hour:
It had its moments, and just looking at Audrey Hepburn makes life worth living, but mostly I kept thinking that the play, by Lillian Hellman, was so much better. It's about two young women runing a school for girls, who are accused by a hateful little brat of being (GASP!) lesbians. And although the closest we get in this 1961 production to using that actual term is the word "unnatural," it's enough to ruin their lives.  A young Shirley McClaine is worth seeing in this, and James Garner, and Audrey Hepburn is, well, Audrey Hepburn. The rumor of the love that dare not speak its name is totally untrue — or is it? And I'll say no more, because you should see the movie for yourself, imperfect as it may be, as is Life Itself.

Because when I am not blogging, I sometimes cook,
and because woman does not live
by martinis alone,
I like this blog:

grapesandgreens.blogspot.com

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