Don't Get Mad — Get Nasty
Written by Pat Fortunato   
Tuesday, 07 February 2012 12:32

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It's Not Nice To Be So Nice

You know how you always hear that the man who went beserk and shot his wife and dog was "such a nice guy." And that the mail sorter who went postal was "always so helpful" and "never got angry." Well, they'll never be able to say that about me. Or you, if you're smart.

Let's face it, you're always a little ticked off at someone. That loudmouthed woman on the bus talking incessantly on her cell about nothing, nothing! That idiot in your office who never gets anything right but still has a job. That asshole on the highway who has the nerve to cut you off.

Are you going to take this sitting down? You shouldn't, you know. It's a well-known scientific fact, which I just made up, that you must do little nasty things on a regular basis to get even for all the maddening things people do to annoy you. If you don't, the ill feelings build up and up, and at some point you'll do something really bad. Left unchecked, this situation could be . . . fatal.

Random Acts of Nastiness

Just little things. The trick is that the nastiness has to be minor, yet satisfying.

Let's say that the loud lady on the bus finally reaches her stop, and leaves her newspaper — better yet, her groceries, or (if she's really been intolerable) her briefcase. You see what's happening, and you could call out. But why? Say nothing. Mind your own business. It's not your job. Sure, it's nasty, but isn't that the point. . .

This also works when you find something in the copy machine and don't return it to that guy who does everything wrong, this being yet another proof of that. Hey, he never gets fired anyway, so leaving the document in the copier where others may see it —or (do you dare?) throwing it away — will only cause a little temporary inconvenience.

On the other hand, you probably shouldn't do anything about the asshole on the road, except to express your feelings at the highest possible decibel. It would be great if he ended up with a flat tire and you could drive on by, smiling. Or suppose he asked for directions and you knew the way, and you also knew a really, really long, very indirect route and . . . But these are the pipedreams of the marginally nasty. There are lives involved here, so the asshole in the car usually just gets away with it.

By the way, "asshole" is the technical term for anyone committing an offense against you in a moving vehicle. . .

Name-Calling Is Good

With off-the-road offenders you can be more creative in your name-calling: besides "idiot," there's always "moron" (not politically correct, but satisfying, and not quite as offensive as "retard"), "cretin," "nincompoop" (old-fashioned, but it'll get their attention), "lamebrain," "birdbrain", "shit-for-brains." Ever notice how many expressions contain the word shit? I also feel compelled to point out that any of the above expressions can be prefaced by "total," "absolute," or, of course, the ever-popular f-word.

 Muttering names under your breath is a start, but not nearly satisfying enough. You have to actually do something:

Nastiness Is Its Own Reward

• Send someone who's bugging you an e-mail warning that it must be forwarded to 47.5 of his dearest friends in the next 10 seconds or all his toenails will fall off and you'll have terminal flatulence. Personally, I sometimes can't resist the emails that promise me good luck if I pass them on. Is this nastiness or superstition? Whatever. It makes me feel better.

• Leave gum under your seat at the theatre. Legitimate theatre gets more points than movie houses, where everyone is a slob anyway. Besides, those Broadway prices could make you cranky enough to do worse.

• Put something in the wrong recycle bin. Oh I know, I know: the planet, the plague of plastic, the environment, civic duty, blah, blah, blah. But you don't do it all the time, so you won't destroy the Earth just this once. Besides, there is considerable evidence that everything ends up in one place anyway.

•You know that nosy neighbor down the hall? Open a piece of junk mail that gets into your mailbox by mistake then slip it under his door. It won't do any real harm, I mean who cares that he gets the valued customer issue of the Victoria's Secret catalog, but it will make him wonder what else you've seen. And know.

•How about those irritating forms in the doctor's office. Especially when you've filled the damn things out before. What if . . . you filled it out correctly, except for one little detail. One guy I know checked Yes for the the Are You Pregnant box, another gave his sex as "Reptile." Nasty? A little. Harmless? For sure. Fun? What do you think.

These are just a few examples. Be creative and come up with your own nasty bits. I know you can do it, and believe me, it will make you feel SO much better. If done properly, it will not hurt anyone in any meaningful way, and will not get you slapped, arrested, fired, or suspended from your bowling team. It doesn't cost anything, has no calories, nobody ever has to know — and it's good for your mental health.

Remember, the serial killer you save may be . . . you!

 

An earlier version of this article appeared as: 
Try A Little Nastiness

 

 

 

 

 
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Comments  

 
0 # Lucy 2012-02-10 10:11
I'm going to "forget" to sign the check to the builder who was 3 months late on the project and got half of it wrong. If I were really nasty, I'd make out the check for half the amount!
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2012-02-10 10:14
Good one, Lucy!
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0 # Gary Poole 2012-02-12 14:52
Is a withering glance considered nasty?
I throw a lot of 'withering glances' around at assholes who bug me. Hopefully,it instills guilt they can't shake, and they lie awake nights wondering, "What did I do wrong?"
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Bitter Patter

Friday the 13th 
Came and went.

I bought a lottery ticket 
And didn't win.  

Reread
 
THE 13th FLOOR
To remind myself how lucky I am.

WENT FISHING!

Well, eating fish anyway.
And swimming, although not with the fishes in the Uncle Nunzio sense.

Back from the Caribbean. 
But don't be TOO jealous:

My tan has already faded. 
Besdies, before we left, I had to go through 

THE ELEVEN STAGES OF PACKING
Which is not for sissies.

Just got a call from 
(Gasp!) the dental hygienist. 
Hasn't she read:

A DEVOUT COWARD 
GOES TO THE DENTIST

Do NOT Google Santorum.
I warned you . . .

 Just as I posted I WAS THE GIRL PHANTOM, I found a website called The Ghost Who Blogs about The Phantom comics:

http://falkonthewildside.blogspot.com

Writing Comics. . .
Was a small but wonderful part of my checkered career, and doing a post about it  brought back a lot of great memories. If you know any other women in NYC who wrote — or are writing — comics, tell me how to get in touch with them. 

I'm on a watching-old-movies kick these days.
Great way to lose yourself.
If you're lucky, you'll never be found. 

REVIEWS TO PERUSE

I'm All Right, Jack:
"Jack" is not just all right, it's totally delightful and fresh as a daisy after all these years (made in 1959), with Sellers, although not technically the lead, giving the brilliant performance that launched him as an international star. He plays an all-too-zealous union leader and father of a blonde bombshell who falls for Stanley, the British Upper Class Twit played, also to perfection, by Ian Carmichael, who you might remember from the Lord Peter Wimsey series. The makeout scenes between the the Twit and the Bombshell are priceless. But what is Stanley doing in this working class atmosphere anyway? Working. And too well at that. Forced by financial circumstances too dreary to discuss, he gets a job in his uncle's factory and messes things up for the other workers by, well, working, and thus making his fellow employees look bad. The film takes a big shot at unions — but also at management: they are manipulating white-collar thieves who'll do anything for a buck. Or a pound. Except for the ones, like Major Hitchcock, played by Terry Thomas, who are just plain lazy and inept. Needless to say, Stanley foils everybody's plans, labor and management alike, to my great joy and delight. Oh, and on top of everything else, Margaret Rutherford plays dotty dowager Aunt Dolly. Delicious!

 The Big Lebowski:
What can you say that hasn't been said before: brilliant, inspired, with some of the most memorable lines ever to come out of a movie, the most quoted being "The Dude abides." Oh yes. For anyone who hasn't yet seen the film, and it's now out in a special Blu-Ray edition if that floats your bowling ball. The Dude in question,  played to perfection by Jeff Bridges, is an out-of-work pothead who is roughed up and has his rug destroyed by some thugs mistaking him for another, bigger, Lebowski. The Dude is really upset about this because, man, "that rug really tied the room together," which The Dude says with all seriousness and not a trace of irony, a great comic touch considering the condition his condition is in.  Oh, and besides "Just Dropped In," all the music is perfect for the film. The plot, according to Wikipedia, which has been known to be wrong, is "loosely based on Raymond chandler's novel, The Big Sleep." Could be. But who cares. It involves a bowling competition, "the occasional acid flashback," a trophy wife, a group of German nihilists, a kidnapping gone awry, a mad millionaire and his lackey, in another great performance by Philip Seymour Hoffman. Actually, they're all great performances. Never a fan of John Goodman before or since, he is brilliant in this film. And so are John Turturro, overacting his little heart out, Steve Buscemi in a nerdy, needy role that makes you marvel at his star turn in Boardwalk Empire, and even the actors in the smaller parts, especially Julianne Moore and Sam Elliott. Elliott plays The Stranger (God? Everyman? The part of us that roots for the bad boy?) who elicits from Bridges the immortal words, "The Dude abides." Which prompts The Stranger to comment to the audience: "Don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals." We'll never know about the bowling trophy because there's never been a sequel to this 1998 film by the great Coen Brothers, and I hope there never will be. It just abides, as all great films do.

Prince of the City:
Okay, the criticisms of this movie are not totally unfounded: it's too long, and Treat Williams may have overacted a bit, although I found him so deliciously charming I couldn't care less, and there's one part concerning the Jerry Orbach character I just didn't understand. But get over it, The New Yorker, this is one powerful movie. And yes, Dog Day Afternoon it isn't, but what it? The DVD has a great special feature with Williams (I so want to call him Treat) and Sidney (what the hell: I once made a meatloaf sandwich for the man) that explains a lot about filmmaking in general and this movie in particular. Also, Sidney's views on good and evil, and how things are not so black and white as you think. I loved it.

Bad Day At Black Rock:
Recommended on TCM by Robert Osbourne as a film he originally had no interest in seeing, then loved it, and by Alex Baldwin, who pointed out the great actors in the cast, including Lee Marvin, Ernest Brognine and Dean Jagger. Well, after all that, I had to like it, right?  I did. A lot. It was a Good Day On My Couch.
Behind the Scenes Stuff: Spencer Tracey was off drinking and wouldn't commit to the film until the producers (who wanted him desperately) told him that they had Alan Ladd, at which point Tracey grabbed it.  He was perfect for the part, wearing a dark suit and tie the entire time in a western setting,  pulling it off perfectly. Other than that "fashion statement," the film makes a strong case against racism: the hatred of the Japanese during WW2. See it.

Song of The Thin Man:
I usually like these frothy, silly, suave, utter unrealistic films from the 30s and 40s, with William Powell and Myrna Loy as the couple we'd all like to be — if only we had the looks, brains, money, a huge capacity for drinking and a dog like Asta. But this one was a stinker, rather than a stinger, or maybe a sinker, because  it turned out to be the last, not to mention the least, in the series. Watch any of the others four sequels, but not this one: Even the pooch jumped the shark.

The Children's Hour:
It had its moments, and just looking at Audrey Hepburn makes life worth living, but mostly I kept thinking that the play, by Lillian Hellman, was so much better. It's about two young women runing a school for girls, who are accused by a hateful little brat of being (GASP!) lesbians. And although the closest we get in this 1961 production to using that actual term is the word "unnatural," it's enough to ruin their lives.  A young Shirley McClaine is worth seeing in this, and James Garner, and Audrey Hepburn is, well, Audrey Hepburn. The rumor of the love that dare not speak its name is totally untrue — or is it? And I'll say no more, because you should see the movie for yourself, imperfect as it may be, as is Life Itself.

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by martinis alone,
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