| The Monday Morning Quarterback |
| Written by Pat Fortunato |
| Monday, 07 February 2011 20:11 |
|
Yes, folks, I was plunked in front of a flat screen TV for 4 hours, but I only found out what really happened in the game by tuning in to the media on Monday. Even before the kickoff, I was lost. As soon as Christina Aguilera started to sing, I started to whine about her singing style (melisma), and I was so busy complaining tthat I never realized she was mangling the actual words to our not-all-that–beloved national anthem. It's too hard to sing! Nobody can remember the words! The words glorify war! Ya gotta hand it to the girl, though: Christina hit the notes, if not the lyrics. And God Bless America, she is no Roseanne Barr. But what, you may ask, is melisma, and why was I so hung up on it when there was a football game to watch? Melisma is stretching out one syllable into as-many-as-is-humanly-possible syllables. I liked it way back when Stevie Wonder did it, but it's often used to cover up trite lyrics: remember I-I-I-I-I Will Always Love-Yuooh-Oooh Oooh Oooh, everybody? Besides, it's been so worked to death at weddings, on American Idol, and even in Broadway plays that you'd have to pay me to go see Wicked. So much for the National Anthem. But there was the Half Time Show coming AND Darth Vader . . . Sorry to be a Grinch, but I thought the show was over-produced. The good news is that since I tuned out a lot of it, I didn't focus on the terrible sound quality, which hurt our girl Fergie, the other Peas, Usher and Whoever. Countless commentators picked this up, but this Monday Morning Quarterback missed it.
Can't say that for many of them, where my reaction was a resounding "HUH?" or "Which car was that for?" I didn't know that Eminem was a product, so to speak, of Detroit, so I didn't get that one until later. But any commercial that begins, "This is not New York" kinda loses me anyway. And is it just me, or is the E-Trade baby we all love and adore getting . . . old? (It's a different baby, of course. The other one is probably applying for college by now. Especially if he lives in New York.) In general, the commercials didn't score. Trying too hard. Too many special effects. A lot of violence. I didn't like the woman getting knocked off the park bench. The wife shudda smacked the guy, if anybody. And I really would have liked to see her do something more clever than throwing a bottle at a potential rival. Mad Men, where are you when we need you? The Pepsi spot about the first date was funny, but I didn't get the deeper implications until some pundit on MSNBC, author of "What It's Like To Be Single," explained it all. Short answer: it's not fun but Don't Give Up Looking For Love. And then there was the game itself. Oh, that. Of course, I missed the finer points because what I know about football is about what Sarah Palin knows about foreign policy, and I can't even see a stadium from my front window.
I did my best to follow the game, really I did, it being Super Bowl XLV and all, and I learned useful things like what's a 2-Point Conversion, and why some of those guys are called linebackers. They're in back of the line. Duh. But I apparently missed the biggest single factor in the game that secured the victory for Greenbay: the turnovers. While I was having a cupcake, they were having turnovers. Which means, for those of you as ill-informed as I, that The Steelers fumbled the ball and Green Bay recovered it —not once, not twice, but three times—and worse yet, each turnover led to a touchdown. Ouch!
Not. I just don't get football, as you may have guessed, and nothing, not even being injected with truth serum, would have helped. For starters, I'll never understand how the hell a game where large men maul each other mercilessly can have a penalty called Unnecessary Roughness. And how, when they always seem to be piling on, there's a rule against that, too. And what's with the roman numerals? Be that as it may, cupcake, being a Monday morning quarterback is turning out to be a lot of fun. |
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Comments
- I'll Drink To That!
I most definitely plan to vote but it is our choic... - I'll Drink To That!
Just thought that the correlation between greatnes... - OH, SUGAR!
Don't worry, Mr. P. I never count calories and I w... - I'll Drink To That!
I'm going to vote, but not on caffeine vs. alcohol... - OH, SUGAR!
Pat, stop counting grams, etc. Portion control is ... - OH, SUGAR!
And you were eating the cottage cheese because you... - OH, SUGAR!
I see what you mean: there's 3 grams of fat in the... - OH, SUGAR!
This is in the same category of advice as A piece ... - OH, SUGAR!
Do what I do - don't wear your glasses when you ea... - It's No Yoke!
If it ever does, I'm going to document it and keep...
Bitter Patter
Friday the 13th
Came and went.
I bought a lottery ticket
And didn't win.
Reread
THE 13th FLOOR
To remind myself how lucky I am.
WENT FISHING!
Well, eating fish anyway.
And swimming, although not with the fishes in the Uncle Nunzio sense.
Back from the Caribbean.
But don't be TOO jealous:
My tan has already faded.
Besdies, before we left, I had to go through
THE ELEVEN STAGES OF PACKING
Which is not for sissies.
Just got a call from
(Gasp!) the dental hygienist.
Hasn't she read:
A DEVOUT COWARD
GOES TO THE DENTIST
Do NOT Google Santorum.
I warned you . . .
Just as I posted I WAS THE GIRL PHANTOM, I found a website called The Ghost Who Blogs about The Phantom comics:
http://falkonthewildside.blogspot.com
Writing Comics. . .
Was a small but wonderful part of my checkered career, and doing a post about it brought back a lot of great memories. If you know any other women in NYC who wrote — or are writing — comics, tell me how to get in touch with them.
I'm on a watching-old-movies kick these days.
Great way to lose yourself.
If you're lucky, you'll never be found.
REVIEWS TO PERUSE
I'm All Right, Jack:
"Jack" is not just all right, it's totally delightful and fresh as a daisy after all these years (made in 1959), with Sellers, although not technically the lead, giving the brilliant performance that launched him as an international star. He plays an all-too-zealous union leader and father of a blonde bombshell who falls for Stanley, the British Upper Class Twit played, also to perfection, by Ian Carmichael, who you might remember from the Lord Peter Wimsey series. The makeout scenes between the the Twit and the Bombshell are priceless. But what is Stanley doing in this working class atmosphere anyway? Working. And too well at that. Forced by financial circumstances too dreary to discuss, he gets a job in his uncle's factory and messes things up for the other workers by, well, working, and thus making his fellow employees look bad. The film takes a big shot at unions — but also at management: they are manipulating white-collar thieves who'll do anything for a buck. Or a pound. Except for the ones, like Major Hitchcock, played by Terry Thomas, who are just plain lazy and inept. Needless to say, Stanley foils everybody's plans, labor and management alike, to my great joy and delight. Oh, and on top of everything else, Margaret Rutherford plays dotty dowager Aunt Dolly. Delicious!
The Big Lebowski:
What can you say that hasn't been said before: brilliant, inspired, with some of the most memorable lines ever to come out of a movie, the most quoted being "The Dude abides." Oh yes. For anyone who hasn't yet seen the film, and it's now out in a special Blu-Ray edition if that floats your bowling ball. The Dude in question, played to perfection by Jeff Bridges, is an out-of-work pothead who is roughed up and has his rug destroyed by some thugs mistaking him for another, bigger, Lebowski. The Dude is really upset about this because, man, "that rug really tied the room together," which The Dude says with all seriousness and not a trace of irony, a great comic touch considering the condition his condition is in. Oh, and besides "Just Dropped In," all the music is perfect for the film. The plot, according to Wikipedia, which has been known to be wrong, is "loosely based on Raymond chandler's novel, The Big Sleep." Could be. But who cares. It involves a bowling competition, "the occasional acid flashback," a trophy wife, a group of German nihilists, a kidnapping gone awry, a mad millionaire and his lackey, in another great performance by Philip Seymour Hoffman. Actually, they're all great performances. Never a fan of John Goodman before or since, he is brilliant in this film. And so are John Turturro, overacting his little heart out, Steve Buscemi in a nerdy, needy role that makes you marvel at his star turn in Boardwalk Empire, and even the actors in the smaller parts, especially Julianne Moore and Sam Elliott. Elliott plays The Stranger (God? Everyman? The part of us that roots for the bad boy?) who elicits from Bridges the immortal words, "The Dude abides." Which prompts The Stranger to comment to the audience: "Don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals." We'll never know about the bowling trophy because there's never been a sequel to this 1998 film by the great Coen Brothers, and I hope there never will be. It just abides, as all great films do.
Prince of the City:
Okay, the criticisms of this movie are not totally unfounded: it's too long, and Treat Williams may have overacted a bit, although I found him so deliciously charming I couldn't care less, and there's one part concerning the Jerry Orbach character I just didn't understand. But get over it, The New Yorker, this is one powerful movie. And yes, Dog Day Afternoon it isn't, but what it? The DVD has a great special feature with Williams (I so want to call him Treat) and Sidney (what the hell: I once made a meatloaf sandwich for the man) that explains a lot about filmmaking in general and this movie in particular. Also, Sidney's views on good and evil, and how things are not so black and white as you think. I loved it.
Bad Day At Black Rock:
Recommended on TCM by Robert Osbourne as a film he originally had no interest in seeing, then loved it, and by Alex Baldwin, who pointed out the great actors in the cast, including Lee Marvin, Ernest Brognine and Dean Jagger. Well, after all that, I had to like it, right? I did. A lot. It was a Good Day On My Couch.
Behind the Scenes Stuff: Spencer Tracey was off drinking and wouldn't commit to the film until the producers (who wanted him desperately) told him that they had Alan Ladd, at which point Tracey grabbed it. He was perfect for the part, wearing a dark suit and tie the entire time in a western setting, pulling it off perfectly. Other than that "fashion statement," the film makes a strong case against racism: the hatred of the Japanese during WW2. See it.
Song of The Thin Man:
I usually like these frothy, silly, suave, utter unrealistic films from the 30s and 40s, with William Powell and Myrna Loy as the couple we'd all like to be — if only we had the looks, brains, money, a huge capacity for drinking and a dog like Asta. But this one was a stinker, rather than a stinger, or maybe a sinker, because it turned out to be the last, not to mention the least, in the series. Watch any of the others four sequels, but not this one: Even the pooch jumped the shark.
The Children's Hour:
It had its moments, and just looking at Audrey Hepburn makes life worth living, but mostly I kept thinking that the play, by Lillian Hellman, was so much better. It's about two young women runing a school for girls, who are accused by a hateful little brat of being (GASP!) lesbians. And although the closest we get in this 1961 production to using that actual term is the word "unnatural," it's enough to ruin their lives. A young Shirley McClaine is worth seeing in this, and James Garner, and Audrey Hepburn is, well, Audrey Hepburn. The rumor of the love that dare not speak its name is totally untrue — or is it? And I'll say no more, because you should see the movie for yourself, imperfect as it may be, as is Life Itself.
by martinis alone,
I like this blog:
grapesandgreens.blogspot.com
BITTER PATTER
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I almost missed the best commercial in the show because I was about to sneak a bathroom break when the Darth Vader spot came on. Priceless! And it had better be, since the airtime cost $3 million. Money well spent, I say. It was simple, fun, had no fancy special effects, and best of all, I got it.
I did see The View last week, when Elizabeth's husband What's-His-Name explained the game to a group of similarly befuddled women. Joy mentioned "penetration in the end zone," and that got my attention, but to be fair, I did actually learn something: what a Safety is. Although why it's called a "Safety" when it results in two points for the other team continues to elude me.
I have a confession to make: before the cupcake, I swilled a fair amount of Veuve Cliquot, and yes I know it shudda been Bud Lite but what the hell, and that may have impacted my understanding of this particular game.




Comments
Good "catch," DJ.
"Unbridled violence, humorless misogyny, and sophomoric sexual high jinks. . . What a sad statement about the rapid devolution of American society. No wonder our children are losing their way."
Hmmm.
Good you didn't waste time or taste drink that Bud ---- but champagne - now that's raises the bar some.
And yes, champagne always raises the bar. And goes so well with all the snacks.
The Tudors via Netflix. Now that's worth watching!
xo
d
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