WHO WAS THAT COUNTESS . . .
Written by Pat Fortunato   
Tuesday, 05 July 2011 09:20

. . . at Harry's Bar?
It was me. Well, sort of . .
.

Venice-Canal-2-14-11copyMy husband and I were staying in Venice in a swanky hotel, with a staff more than willing to satisfy our every whim.

Actually, I was pretty whimless, except for one thing: I wanted to go to the famous Harry's Bar — and I wanted a good table. If you were banished to the back room, you might as well skip the whole thing.

In my mangled Italian, I conveyed this to the exceedingly cute desk clerk (In Italy, aren't they all?). He nodded knowingly, made the reservation, and gave us a card with a note to the effect that Mr. & Mrs. Us were honored guests of the Bauer Hotel. This was code for: Give them a good table.

And so, that night, dressed in our one "good" traveling outfit: basic black with (real) pearls for me, blue blazer, grey pants and a tie from Ferragamo for him, we strolled to Harry's Bar. Note: in Italy, you stroll, not walk.

 

A Countess Among the Eurotrash?

HarrysBarOutsideHarry's Bar looks quiet on the outside, but inside, it was a zoo. The bar was loaded with assorted Eurotrash, including one young couple who couldn't keep their hands off each other. While I was trying to figure out how to negotiate this scene, my husband, who isn't impressed by these sorts of things, calmly handed the card from the hotel to the guy who looked like he was in charge, saying simply, "Prego."

That did the trick.

We were shown to a tiny table across from the bar, probably the best in the house. But I, still a bit dazed and going into princess mode, noted that it was a very small table —which comment, rather than annoying the maitre d' or whoever he was, made him take us more seriously. Who the hell was this picky little princess. Little did he know.

Is That Gore Vidal?

GoreVidalAfter being cajoled into accepting the great table and ordering the required Bellinis, I looked around and saw that all the tables were small, except for one in the corner with a group of sophisticated looking folks, one of whom bore a strong resemblance to the famous writer and curmudgeon, Gore Vidal.

Could it be Vidal? He lived in that part of Italy, he must eat dinner, and he, too, had a good table . . .

No. It's Ken Auletta!

KenAulettaGoogled Looking more closely, this guy was much younger than Gore, and seemed, well, nicer. After a while, I figured out who he was: Ken Auletta, writer for the New Yorker and author of many bestselling books — most recently Googled: The End of the World As We Know It.

Meanwhile, I got distracted by the couple at the bar: he now had his hand down her jeans, and  . . .

. . . by the  elegant gentleman who sat down to our left. Obviously a regular, and probably a real prince with a  palazzo on the canal, he told the waiter, "I'll have something light," without looking at the menu. How cool is that. On the other hand, considering my grasp of the Italian language, he may have said, "Who the hell are these people you sat next to me?" I worried that he would be bothered by the groping going on in front of us, but my husband reminded me that the man was Italian and was undoubtedly enjoying it.

We, too, ordered light, although from the menu. A little salad and some risotto. We split an entrée, even though the portions were small, and shared dessert. The bill came to $400. Which is, to this day, the most expensive meal I've ever had — per bite.

It was worth every penny.

The Kid Gets in The Picture

We happened to be leaving at the same time as the Auletta party, and when we got outside, they were posing for a picture. Being the helpful little thing that I am, I asked Mr. A if he would like my husband to take the photo, but Ken, as I now like to call him, said no, they came with their own paparazzi (he was kidding), and that we should get in the picture (he wasn't kidding).

StMarksNightThen we all walked, or strolled, to St Mark's Piazza, which has to be the most beautiful outdoor living room on the planet, and on the way, the woman who turned out to be Ken's agent asked me if I was the Countess De Something Or Other.

I didn't really hear the name, having been shocked speechless by the  question — literally, because I knew that once I opened my mouth she'd know I was no Italian countess.

Miraculously, I managed to pull out something from deep within my would-be royal gut and without pausing, I said, "If you wish."

I Should Have Said . . . Exactly What I Said!

If you wish: so tantalizing, so vague, so not exactly a lie. For me, that answer wiped out all the "I should have saids" on countless, rather than countess, occasions. On several continents.

We all said goodbye at the Piazza, air kisses and all, and my husband and I returned to the hotel, having gone to the famous Harry's Bar, having been made royalty by Ken Auletta's agent,  and having been in a photo with him that must still exist somewhere in the universe. I only wish I knew the name of the royal personage I was mistaken for so I could look her up and see who I almost was.

But what the hell, you can't have everything.
Even when you're a countess.

 

Photo: Gondola in Venice by Lou Chisena

 
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Comments  

 
0 # John Sposato 2011-07-06 08:45
Does that make you an IAC?
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2011-07-06 14:54
Does that mean International Acting Countess? On the Acronym Finder, it means anything from Integrating Associate Contractor (never been accused of that) to I Am Confused. Which I am. Appropriately enough, In web talk, it's In Any Case . . .But what did YOU mean????
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0 # JS 2011-07-06 16:29
Italian American Countess.
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2011-07-06 16:39
Oh.
I should have guessed that.
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0 # Alexander Simmons 2011-07-06 09:12
Hey there, Guess you know you've arrived when the paparazzis start hanging around your door. Meanwhile, what adventures. Although $400 ducets for salad and dessert! That table better come with breakfast and a foot massage. :O)
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2011-07-06 14:57
I think the foot, and other types of, massages were going on at the bar . . .
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0 # Louis Venezia 2011-07-06 09:15
for me, it is always a pleasure just to read about Venice :-)

great story!
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2011-07-06 14:59
I'll have to go back so I can write more: any excuse, I love Venice. Are you sure you aren't making up your name?
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0 # Gary Poole 2011-07-06 18:38
Was that you who caught me groping that girl in Venice? Oh, wait. That was in Venice, California. She had nice jeans, though.
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2011-07-06 18:45
I reread the part about the guy sitting next to us being Italian, so he was enjoying the scene. I misspoke: he was a guy, so he was enjoying the scene. How silly of me.
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0 # Gary Poole 2011-07-07 15:19
No, I was the one being silly. I've never been in either Venice. Just kidding. As for groping? Never!
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2011-07-10 09:43
Of COURSE not!
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0 # lisleman 2011-07-08 14:15
Part of the $400 probably went to the acting groping couple. Being paid to grope - TSA or streetwalker were the only two occupations I knew before this.

Hey I know a place not more than an hour from here that will sell two hot dogs, big bag of fries and soft drink for under $8.
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2011-07-10 09:45
Sure, but do they provide entertainment?
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Bitter Patter

Friday the 13th 
Came and went.

I bought a lottery ticket 
And didn't win.  

Reread
 
THE 13th FLOOR
To remind myself how lucky I am.

WENT FISHING!

Well, eating fish anyway.
And swimming, although not with the fishes in the Uncle Nunzio sense.

Back from the Caribbean. 
But don't be TOO jealous:

My tan has already faded. 
Besdies, before we left, I had to go through 

THE ELEVEN STAGES OF PACKING
Which is not for sissies.

Just got a call from 
(Gasp!) the dental hygienist. 
Hasn't she read:

A DEVOUT COWARD 
GOES TO THE DENTIST

Do NOT Google Santorum.
I warned you . . .

 Just as I posted I WAS THE GIRL PHANTOM, I found a website called The Ghost Who Blogs about The Phantom comics:

http://falkonthewildside.blogspot.com

Writing Comics. . .
Was a small but wonderful part of my checkered career, and doing a post about it  brought back a lot of great memories. If you know any other women in NYC who wrote — or are writing — comics, tell me how to get in touch with them. 

I'm on a watching-old-movies kick these days.
Great way to lose yourself.
If you're lucky, you'll never be found. 

REVIEWS TO PERUSE

I'm All Right, Jack:
"Jack" is not just all right, it's totally delightful and fresh as a daisy after all these years (made in 1959), with Sellers, although not technically the lead, giving the brilliant performance that launched him as an international star. He plays an all-too-zealous union leader and father of a blonde bombshell who falls for Stanley, the British Upper Class Twit played, also to perfection, by Ian Carmichael, who you might remember from the Lord Peter Wimsey series. The makeout scenes between the the Twit and the Bombshell are priceless. But what is Stanley doing in this working class atmosphere anyway? Working. And too well at that. Forced by financial circumstances too dreary to discuss, he gets a job in his uncle's factory and messes things up for the other workers by, well, working, and thus making his fellow employees look bad. The film takes a big shot at unions — but also at management: they are manipulating white-collar thieves who'll do anything for a buck. Or a pound. Except for the ones, like Major Hitchcock, played by Terry Thomas, who are just plain lazy and inept. Needless to say, Stanley foils everybody's plans, labor and management alike, to my great joy and delight. Oh, and on top of everything else, Margaret Rutherford plays dotty dowager Aunt Dolly. Delicious!

 The Big Lebowski:
What can you say that hasn't been said before: brilliant, inspired, with some of the most memorable lines ever to come out of a movie, the most quoted being "The Dude abides." Oh yes. For anyone who hasn't yet seen the film, and it's now out in a special Blu-Ray edition if that floats your bowling ball. The Dude in question,  played to perfection by Jeff Bridges, is an out-of-work pothead who is roughed up and has his rug destroyed by some thugs mistaking him for another, bigger, Lebowski. The Dude is really upset about this because, man, "that rug really tied the room together," which The Dude says with all seriousness and not a trace of irony, a great comic touch considering the condition his condition is in.  Oh, and besides "Just Dropped In," all the music is perfect for the film. The plot, according to Wikipedia, which has been known to be wrong, is "loosely based on Raymond chandler's novel, The Big Sleep." Could be. But who cares. It involves a bowling competition, "the occasional acid flashback," a trophy wife, a group of German nihilists, a kidnapping gone awry, a mad millionaire and his lackey, in another great performance by Philip Seymour Hoffman. Actually, they're all great performances. Never a fan of John Goodman before or since, he is brilliant in this film. And so are John Turturro, overacting his little heart out, Steve Buscemi in a nerdy, needy role that makes you marvel at his star turn in Boardwalk Empire, and even the actors in the smaller parts, especially Julianne Moore and Sam Elliott. Elliott plays The Stranger (God? Everyman? The part of us that roots for the bad boy?) who elicits from Bridges the immortal words, "The Dude abides." Which prompts The Stranger to comment to the audience: "Don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals." We'll never know about the bowling trophy because there's never been a sequel to this 1998 film by the great Coen Brothers, and I hope there never will be. It just abides, as all great films do.

Prince of the City:
Okay, the criticisms of this movie are not totally unfounded: it's too long, and Treat Williams may have overacted a bit, although I found him so deliciously charming I couldn't care less, and there's one part concerning the Jerry Orbach character I just didn't understand. But get over it, The New Yorker, this is one powerful movie. And yes, Dog Day Afternoon it isn't, but what it? The DVD has a great special feature with Williams (I so want to call him Treat) and Sidney (what the hell: I once made a meatloaf sandwich for the man) that explains a lot about filmmaking in general and this movie in particular. Also, Sidney's views on good and evil, and how things are not so black and white as you think. I loved it.

Bad Day At Black Rock:
Recommended on TCM by Robert Osbourne as a film he originally had no interest in seeing, then loved it, and by Alex Baldwin, who pointed out the great actors in the cast, including Lee Marvin, Ernest Brognine and Dean Jagger. Well, after all that, I had to like it, right?  I did. A lot. It was a Good Day On My Couch.
Behind the Scenes Stuff: Spencer Tracey was off drinking and wouldn't commit to the film until the producers (who wanted him desperately) told him that they had Alan Ladd, at which point Tracey grabbed it.  He was perfect for the part, wearing a dark suit and tie the entire time in a western setting,  pulling it off perfectly. Other than that "fashion statement," the film makes a strong case against racism: the hatred of the Japanese during WW2. See it.

Song of The Thin Man:
I usually like these frothy, silly, suave, utter unrealistic films from the 30s and 40s, with William Powell and Myrna Loy as the couple we'd all like to be — if only we had the looks, brains, money, a huge capacity for drinking and a dog like Asta. But this one was a stinker, rather than a stinger, or maybe a sinker, because  it turned out to be the last, not to mention the least, in the series. Watch any of the others four sequels, but not this one: Even the pooch jumped the shark.

The Children's Hour:
It had its moments, and just looking at Audrey Hepburn makes life worth living, but mostly I kept thinking that the play, by Lillian Hellman, was so much better. It's about two young women runing a school for girls, who are accused by a hateful little brat of being (GASP!) lesbians. And although the closest we get in this 1961 production to using that actual term is the word "unnatural," it's enough to ruin their lives.  A young Shirley McClaine is worth seeing in this, and James Garner, and Audrey Hepburn is, well, Audrey Hepburn. The rumor of the love that dare not speak its name is totally untrue — or is it? And I'll say no more, because you should see the movie for yourself, imperfect as it may be, as is Life Itself.

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by martinis alone,
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