THE WEINER DID IT!
Written by Pat Fortunato   
Monday, 06 June 2011 21:14

AnthonyWeiner

I tried not to touch The Anthony Weiner Story. I really didn't want to go there. But it was too hard to resist.

What's a blogger to do? There are three double entendres in the opening paragraph, and I wasn't even trying.

Ho, Boy, Has This Guy Weiner Got Problems

Not even Weiner's friend, the brilliant Jon Stewart, could keep his hands off. Jon ran a clip of Anthony (Tony?), during a speech to his congressional colleagues before the Twitter story broke:

"I do the Weiner jokes around here. Who is John Boehner kidding? Who am I, Anthony WAY-ner. I'm serious, brother, just embrace it."

Stewart called it a Moment of Zen.

I call it prophetic.

I also wonder why no one picked up on the "Tony (as in stylish) Weiner" angle. I mean, the guy seemed to be a class act in other respects.

In fact, at a 4th of July party complete with hot dogs and er, pickles, which could therefore be called a Weiner Roast, we were discussing local politicians and many of us chose Weiner as our favorite. Someone said that he was on the right side of all the issues.

JonStewart_WienerThe right side, eh? Jon Stewart says:  "In real life, in my memory, this guy had a lot more 'Anthony' and a lot less 'Weiner.' ... The only thing they have in common is that they both lean to the extreme left!"

Awful puns aside (whichever side), the story really grabbed us because of the cringe-inducing way Weiner mishandled it, leaving himself hanging in the wind, so to speak. . .

When first questioned, he sounded cranky (I'm resisting the urge to say crotchety), then he zipped it up and said nothing, then he revealed too much — but not enough. He said that he didn't send the picture, that it was a hoax, he was pranked, he was punked, the photo was manipulated. Bad choice of words. But he couldn't say "with certitude" that it was not a photo of him. He has asked a "firm" to look into it. Then he confessed. He acted, in brief, like a dick.

Very uncharacteristic for a savvy, effective politician with 40,000 followers on Twitter, but then, you know men and their junk: very sensitive areas.

Speaking With Certitude

In his final crotch shot,  Jon With-Friends-Like-This Stewart spoke these immortal words:

"I'm not certain of a lot of things. But there are three things in this world that I know for certain: Empire Strikes Back is the best Star Wars movie. OJ killed those people. And what my erect penis looks like in my own underwear from a bird's-eye view."

Stephen Colbert added his own crack: "I see only two options here: Either Anthony Weiner has too many photos of his junk to keep track of, or 'Certitude' is his nickname for his penis."

Of course, the New York tabloids had a ball with headlines:

WEINER EXPOSED!
WEINER'S PICKLE!
BATTLE OF THE BULGE!

And after he failed to appear at a pro-Israel parade:

HIDE THE WEINER and WEINER IS SHRINKING

After the confession, the headlines shouted:

YEAH, I'M A SCHUCK! and THE NAKED TRUTH

WEINERGATE kept getting bigger and bigger. . ,

Mike Lupica of the Daily News wrote, "If you find yourself in a situation where Wolf Blitzer is asking you on television if you know your own underpants, your life has taken a wrong turn."Ya think?

Before the confession, Bill Maher, who never minces words, said, "Anthony Weiner pledges to get to the bottom of this. He's asked for an investigation, the police are involved, he's got a dick lawyer he's hired. They know it is a Democrat's penis because it won't stand up. And also because it was sent to a woman."

"Wait Wait . . .Don't Tell Me" on NPR: "Congressman Weiner said the photo leak was a prank, he's a victim, the picture could be taken out of context? In what possible context would you take this picture? Maybe he meant to send it to his doctor, with the message, 'Okay, it's been four hours, time to get you involved."

Craig Ferguson spoke for the huddled masses bored out of their gourds in jobs they hate: "This is good news for me because I can Google 'wiener photos' at work and not get fired."

WeinerWifePersonally, I hadn't believed that Weiner sent the photo to the coed. He's recently married to a young, good-looking woman, and presumably didn't need the extra attention. Never underestimate the male libido. Or ego.

No Weiner In the White House

Hell, he won't even be able to run for mayor. Although his political career may not be over. Politicians have done a lot worse.

Barbara Walters Had A Theory

BarbWaltersBarbara got a rise out of the ladies of the View on Monday: she thought that Weiner sent the photo to his wife, who was off traveling, to show her how much he missed her. Nice theory, Babs! Too bad he confessed.

I still don't get it. So readers, help me out here.

Does everyone do underwear pictures?
Do you?
Did I not get the memo?
Again?

And call me a romantic, but I wish that Barbara Walters had been right.

 
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Comments  

 
0 # Diana 2011-06-07 08:02
Just got a peak at the infamous crotch shot in today's Post. What do they call little weiners? Pigs in a blanket? I think this says it all.
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2011-06-07 08:08
Elizabeth, on the View, whose "views" I don't usually share said, before the truth was "exposed," that any man would admit it was him — if it looked good.
"Pigs in a blanket" should have been a headline somewhere. Maybe it was . . .
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0 # Lucy 2011-06-07 16:13
The libido, yes, and the ego. But the real problem is the arrogance of people in power. They start to think they can get away with anything – and they usually do!
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2011-06-07 22:02
Power does corrupt, doesn't it?
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0 # Gary Poole 2011-06-07 21:01
I am just amazed at how stupid some people can be, especially politicians who are in the public eye. To post pictures like that on the internet is just plain dumb. I don't know why people are getting so upset over such a little thing.
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2011-06-07 22:03
Better not say "little thing" to Weiner, Mr. Poole . . .
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0 # Kerri 2011-06-12 19:55
Weiner is a weiner...enough said!
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2011-06-12 20:01
You could write headlines for the tabloids!
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Bitter Patter

Friday the 13th 
Came and went.

I bought a lottery ticket 
And didn't win.  

Reread
 
THE 13th FLOOR
To remind myself how lucky I am.

WENT FISHING!

Well, eating fish anyway.
And swimming, although not with the fishes in the Uncle Nunzio sense.

Back from the Caribbean. 
But don't be TOO jealous:

My tan has already faded. 
Besdies, before we left, I had to go through 

THE ELEVEN STAGES OF PACKING
Which is not for sissies.

Just got a call from 
(Gasp!) the dental hygienist. 
Hasn't she read:

A DEVOUT COWARD 
GOES TO THE DENTIST

Do NOT Google Santorum.
I warned you . . .

 Just as I posted I WAS THE GIRL PHANTOM, I found a website called The Ghost Who Blogs about The Phantom comics:

http://falkonthewildside.blogspot.com

Writing Comics. . .
Was a small but wonderful part of my checkered career, and doing a post about it  brought back a lot of great memories. If you know any other women in NYC who wrote — or are writing — comics, tell me how to get in touch with them. 

I'm on a watching-old-movies kick these days.
Great way to lose yourself.
If you're lucky, you'll never be found. 

REVIEWS TO PERUSE

I'm All Right, Jack:
"Jack" is not just all right, it's totally delightful and fresh as a daisy after all these years (made in 1959), with Sellers, although not technically the lead, giving the brilliant performance that launched him as an international star. He plays an all-too-zealous union leader and father of a blonde bombshell who falls for Stanley, the British Upper Class Twit played, also to perfection, by Ian Carmichael, who you might remember from the Lord Peter Wimsey series. The makeout scenes between the the Twit and the Bombshell are priceless. But what is Stanley doing in this working class atmosphere anyway? Working. And too well at that. Forced by financial circumstances too dreary to discuss, he gets a job in his uncle's factory and messes things up for the other workers by, well, working, and thus making his fellow employees look bad. The film takes a big shot at unions — but also at management: they are manipulating white-collar thieves who'll do anything for a buck. Or a pound. Except for the ones, like Major Hitchcock, played by Terry Thomas, who are just plain lazy and inept. Needless to say, Stanley foils everybody's plans, labor and management alike, to my great joy and delight. Oh, and on top of everything else, Margaret Rutherford plays dotty dowager Aunt Dolly. Delicious!

 The Big Lebowski:
What can you say that hasn't been said before: brilliant, inspired, with some of the most memorable lines ever to come out of a movie, the most quoted being "The Dude abides." Oh yes. For anyone who hasn't yet seen the film, and it's now out in a special Blu-Ray edition if that floats your bowling ball. The Dude in question,  played to perfection by Jeff Bridges, is an out-of-work pothead who is roughed up and has his rug destroyed by some thugs mistaking him for another, bigger, Lebowski. The Dude is really upset about this because, man, "that rug really tied the room together," which The Dude says with all seriousness and not a trace of irony, a great comic touch considering the condition his condition is in.  Oh, and besides "Just Dropped In," all the music is perfect for the film. The plot, according to Wikipedia, which has been known to be wrong, is "loosely based on Raymond chandler's novel, The Big Sleep." Could be. But who cares. It involves a bowling competition, "the occasional acid flashback," a trophy wife, a group of German nihilists, a kidnapping gone awry, a mad millionaire and his lackey, in another great performance by Philip Seymour Hoffman. Actually, they're all great performances. Never a fan of John Goodman before or since, he is brilliant in this film. And so are John Turturro, overacting his little heart out, Steve Buscemi in a nerdy, needy role that makes you marvel at his star turn in Boardwalk Empire, and even the actors in the smaller parts, especially Julianne Moore and Sam Elliott. Elliott plays The Stranger (God? Everyman? The part of us that roots for the bad boy?) who elicits from Bridges the immortal words, "The Dude abides." Which prompts The Stranger to comment to the audience: "Don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals." We'll never know about the bowling trophy because there's never been a sequel to this 1998 film by the great Coen Brothers, and I hope there never will be. It just abides, as all great films do.

Prince of the City:
Okay, the criticisms of this movie are not totally unfounded: it's too long, and Treat Williams may have overacted a bit, although I found him so deliciously charming I couldn't care less, and there's one part concerning the Jerry Orbach character I just didn't understand. But get over it, The New Yorker, this is one powerful movie. And yes, Dog Day Afternoon it isn't, but what it? The DVD has a great special feature with Williams (I so want to call him Treat) and Sidney (what the hell: I once made a meatloaf sandwich for the man) that explains a lot about filmmaking in general and this movie in particular. Also, Sidney's views on good and evil, and how things are not so black and white as you think. I loved it.

Bad Day At Black Rock:
Recommended on TCM by Robert Osbourne as a film he originally had no interest in seeing, then loved it, and by Alex Baldwin, who pointed out the great actors in the cast, including Lee Marvin, Ernest Brognine and Dean Jagger. Well, after all that, I had to like it, right?  I did. A lot. It was a Good Day On My Couch.
Behind the Scenes Stuff: Spencer Tracey was off drinking and wouldn't commit to the film until the producers (who wanted him desperately) told him that they had Alan Ladd, at which point Tracey grabbed it.  He was perfect for the part, wearing a dark suit and tie the entire time in a western setting,  pulling it off perfectly. Other than that "fashion statement," the film makes a strong case against racism: the hatred of the Japanese during WW2. See it.

Song of The Thin Man:
I usually like these frothy, silly, suave, utter unrealistic films from the 30s and 40s, with William Powell and Myrna Loy as the couple we'd all like to be — if only we had the looks, brains, money, a huge capacity for drinking and a dog like Asta. But this one was a stinker, rather than a stinger, or maybe a sinker, because  it turned out to be the last, not to mention the least, in the series. Watch any of the others four sequels, but not this one: Even the pooch jumped the shark.

The Children's Hour:
It had its moments, and just looking at Audrey Hepburn makes life worth living, but mostly I kept thinking that the play, by Lillian Hellman, was so much better. It's about two young women runing a school for girls, who are accused by a hateful little brat of being (GASP!) lesbians. And although the closest we get in this 1961 production to using that actual term is the word "unnatural," it's enough to ruin their lives.  A young Shirley McClaine is worth seeing in this, and James Garner, and Audrey Hepburn is, well, Audrey Hepburn. The rumor of the love that dare not speak its name is totally untrue — or is it? And I'll say no more, because you should see the movie for yourself, imperfect as it may be, as is Life Itself.

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by martinis alone,
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grapesandgreens.blogspot.com

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