I Am A Closet Case: A True Story
Written by Pat Fortunato   
Tuesday, 29 March 2011 11:39

 

Multiple Choice:

You should never peek into someone else's closet because:

A) Your mother told you not to be nosy.
B) The person may still be in there.
C) It will give you ideas.
D) All of the above.

The correct answer is: D. But mostly, C.

No, it's not nice to poke around people's private places, even if it's not anatomically speaking, and yes, the person in question may not have come out yet. Give them time. But the real reason is that it could change your life. Or at least, your wardrobe.

CrisPuerto_Rico_Take the case of me. I was staying at the home of my step daughter, the lovely and talented Cris, and because her house is colder than my overheated apartment and I am totally unaccustomed to being the slightest bit chilly indoors, I went to her closet to get a sweater or something.

WOW! This closet was room-sized and contained all her clothes, shoes, purses and even some jewelry. Unlike the several closet-sized closets in my apartment, where my stuff is crammed in groups, some rational (seasonal) some not (shirts here, shirts there, who can tell).

But while size matters —and I was impressed by the volume of items — what really struck me was the multitude of color — and the patterns.

I've lived in New York City for a long time now, and let's face it, the official color of NYC is black. Or, as someone visiting from Florida wanted to know, Who died? Black is practical: it doesn't show the city grime, no one notices that you wore the same thing the last three times you saw them (try that with polka dots), and everything goes with everything else. But it is so . . . funereal.

AllBlackStuffEvery season, some fashionista announced that Color was back. We all smirked and bought more black. Or, if we were really daring, grey, beige, oatmeal or ecru. Our slogan could have been: Black is the new black.

If you went to a school in the city you'd see huge splotches of color — on the kids. Practically all adults, teachers, assistants, administrators, parents, would be in neutrals, and a lot of black.

I noticed this when I was tutoring at a public school a few years ago, but the color thing really hit home when I looked into Cris's closet. Not only were lots of her clothes bright, but they had (gasp!) patterns. There were florals, geometics, stripes, checks. I think I even saw a polka dot or two. I was really impressed by this display of not-all-black clothing. So alive, so vibrant, so new and exciting.

I went home, wearing jeans and, to give me some credit, an orange sweater: I do wear color, just not patterns except for striped tees, gawdy cosmetic bags, and animal print scarves. But they're all kept in drawers. I didn't give the closet incident much thought. But my subconscious must have registered it. Big time . . .

SOMEDAY MY PRINTS WILL COME
Pink_Argyle

. . .Because when I  ventured forth into stores, what were the first three items I bought? An argyle sweater (argyle IS back!), a checked shirt (in pink!), and a very flowery summer blouse (in tropical colors).

I didn't plan this, it just . . . happened. It's a good thing. My wardrobe needs some tweaking, and the argyle sweater was a big hit: my father said it made me look young. Of course, he's 99, so everyone looks young, but what the hell.

And finally, it hit me. Yet another fashion trend had passed me by.

StripesDots001For years, I couldn't help but notice that the girls of SATC and other shows were wearing outrageous color and mismatched patterns, but I hadn't realized that this trend had hit the general population. I mean, it's one thing to see these things between the covers of Vogue, but in a catalog for Brooks Brothers!

This woman is wearing stripes AND polka dots. At the same time. I don't love the outfit, but still.

In the Sunday Times Style section this week, even the boots had patterns. Cool.Boots

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mine eyes had been opened, and my closet will never be the same.

So why do I advise against looking in people's closets since this turned out so well for moi?

The closet in question could have different, and the consequences could have been dire.

What if Cris had been into nothing but beige. Or puce? Or all gold lame? Or shiny sweatsuits? Or Goth getups? Or whips and chains? Just saying.

ladygagaAnd what if I had stumbled into Lady Gaga's closet? I might have been scarred for life.

What if everything was white? I could have ended up looking like the Good Humor Man this summer.

Worst of all: What if all her stuff was perfectly nice, stylish, chic, expensive, in good taste — but all in black!!

What would have happened then: absolutely nothing. And what' s worse than that for a girl's closet, not to mention her morale . . .

 
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Comments  

 
0 # Cris 2011-03-29 20:21
I'm cracking up Pat! It's true - there is color - and there are patterns - but alas - most days I put on a solid shirt and cover it up with a black sweater! I wonder how long it took you to find a photo of me in a print! Not so easy, huh? Great article. I guess that explains how my long robe made it's way out of my closet! I thought Nicole borrowed it! Love those boots....they would spice up a black wardrobe!
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2011-03-30 08:56
Not guilty! I borrowed a hoodie!
And yes, those boots would be great for you.
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0 # Kerri 2011-03-29 21:40
Pat,
Closets are ok to peek in, but drawers are a whole other story!!!
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2011-03-30 08:57
Absolutely! Anyone checking out my drawers . . . is in big trouble. But with my crowded and crammed closets, I don't like peeking in there either.
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0 # Nancy Lombardi 2011-03-30 09:53
What? No picture of the inspirational closet?! My husband and I are about to buy a house on L.I. It has a walk-in California closet. After years in an apt, I am soooo excited. It has the cubby spots for shoes!
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2011-03-30 15:16
You want me to snoop AND take pictures? I don't think so. About your new closet: I am green with envy, but at least green is a color.
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0 # Diana 2011-03-30 11:51
Ladies, I heard for spring the 70's are back and tie-dye is in.
That said, I'm starting the rumor that black is back (you heard it here first)and I just happen to have a few pieces in that color.
Maybe I'll get a cool pair of shoes in a print. Manolos anyone...
PS Great picture of Cris!
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2011-03-30 15:19
If I get anything tie-dyed, I'll know I went Too Far.
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0 # Lisleman 2011-03-30 15:00
It's a slow process but blog reading does teach me a thing or two. I did not know the word ecru. Hopefully I'll remember for my next scrabble game. The last memorable closet for me was a cedar closet.

fashionliability.com/colour-challenge-week-18-ecru/
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2011-03-30 15:18
Ecru is a crossword puzzle word: never use it anyplace else, except for this post: it seemed silly enough.
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0 # Kim 2011-03-31 08:00
Hi Pat!! You're the best!! Love the story! You picked the right house to babysit and check out the closet...if you came to my house you would be tied up by boys AND had a heart attack looking into my closet as it is jam packed with all sort of items (that I never even wear! LOL)...the things I wear are all hanging on a coat rack in my room and folded neatly on a bench @ the end of my bed!! My fun is adding JEWELRY to the BLACK outfit!!!! Anyone in need of Jewelry...check out my website and buy some!!! Great April Special...Buy 2 low price items and get up to 4 more @ HALF-OFF!!! They are the HIGHEST priced items!!www.liasophia.com/kimzarro p.s. Pat...you will LOVE to know the Suede Shearling Coat that you "GAVE" me (from the WAREHOUSE:)is fabulous...had it dry cleaned and it is like new...let me know if you ever want to borrow it!! Thank you!!! Love you!! xox Kim
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Bitter Patter

Friday the 13th 
Came and went.

I bought a lottery ticket 
And didn't win.  

Reread
 
THE 13th FLOOR
To remind myself how lucky I am.

WENT FISHING!

Well, eating fish anyway.
And swimming, although not with the fishes in the Uncle Nunzio sense.

Back from the Caribbean. 
But don't be TOO jealous:

My tan has already faded. 
Besdies, before we left, I had to go through 

THE ELEVEN STAGES OF PACKING
Which is not for sissies.

Just got a call from 
(Gasp!) the dental hygienist. 
Hasn't she read:

A DEVOUT COWARD 
GOES TO THE DENTIST

Do NOT Google Santorum.
I warned you . . .

 Just as I posted I WAS THE GIRL PHANTOM, I found a website called The Ghost Who Blogs about The Phantom comics:

http://falkonthewildside.blogspot.com

Writing Comics. . .
Was a small but wonderful part of my checkered career, and doing a post about it  brought back a lot of great memories. If you know any other women in NYC who wrote — or are writing — comics, tell me how to get in touch with them. 

I'm on a watching-old-movies kick these days.
Great way to lose yourself.
If you're lucky, you'll never be found. 

REVIEWS TO PERUSE

I'm All Right, Jack:
"Jack" is not just all right, it's totally delightful and fresh as a daisy after all these years (made in 1959), with Sellers, although not technically the lead, giving the brilliant performance that launched him as an international star. He plays an all-too-zealous union leader and father of a blonde bombshell who falls for Stanley, the British Upper Class Twit played, also to perfection, by Ian Carmichael, who you might remember from the Lord Peter Wimsey series. The makeout scenes between the the Twit and the Bombshell are priceless. But what is Stanley doing in this working class atmosphere anyway? Working. And too well at that. Forced by financial circumstances too dreary to discuss, he gets a job in his uncle's factory and messes things up for the other workers by, well, working, and thus making his fellow employees look bad. The film takes a big shot at unions — but also at management: they are manipulating white-collar thieves who'll do anything for a buck. Or a pound. Except for the ones, like Major Hitchcock, played by Terry Thomas, who are just plain lazy and inept. Needless to say, Stanley foils everybody's plans, labor and management alike, to my great joy and delight. Oh, and on top of everything else, Margaret Rutherford plays dotty dowager Aunt Dolly. Delicious!

 The Big Lebowski:
What can you say that hasn't been said before: brilliant, inspired, with some of the most memorable lines ever to come out of a movie, the most quoted being "The Dude abides." Oh yes. For anyone who hasn't yet seen the film, and it's now out in a special Blu-Ray edition if that floats your bowling ball. The Dude in question,  played to perfection by Jeff Bridges, is an out-of-work pothead who is roughed up and has his rug destroyed by some thugs mistaking him for another, bigger, Lebowski. The Dude is really upset about this because, man, "that rug really tied the room together," which The Dude says with all seriousness and not a trace of irony, a great comic touch considering the condition his condition is in.  Oh, and besides "Just Dropped In," all the music is perfect for the film. The plot, according to Wikipedia, which has been known to be wrong, is "loosely based on Raymond chandler's novel, The Big Sleep." Could be. But who cares. It involves a bowling competition, "the occasional acid flashback," a trophy wife, a group of German nihilists, a kidnapping gone awry, a mad millionaire and his lackey, in another great performance by Philip Seymour Hoffman. Actually, they're all great performances. Never a fan of John Goodman before or since, he is brilliant in this film. And so are John Turturro, overacting his little heart out, Steve Buscemi in a nerdy, needy role that makes you marvel at his star turn in Boardwalk Empire, and even the actors in the smaller parts, especially Julianne Moore and Sam Elliott. Elliott plays The Stranger (God? Everyman? The part of us that roots for the bad boy?) who elicits from Bridges the immortal words, "The Dude abides." Which prompts The Stranger to comment to the audience: "Don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals." We'll never know about the bowling trophy because there's never been a sequel to this 1998 film by the great Coen Brothers, and I hope there never will be. It just abides, as all great films do.

Prince of the City:
Okay, the criticisms of this movie are not totally unfounded: it's too long, and Treat Williams may have overacted a bit, although I found him so deliciously charming I couldn't care less, and there's one part concerning the Jerry Orbach character I just didn't understand. But get over it, The New Yorker, this is one powerful movie. And yes, Dog Day Afternoon it isn't, but what it? The DVD has a great special feature with Williams (I so want to call him Treat) and Sidney (what the hell: I once made a meatloaf sandwich for the man) that explains a lot about filmmaking in general and this movie in particular. Also, Sidney's views on good and evil, and how things are not so black and white as you think. I loved it.

Bad Day At Black Rock:
Recommended on TCM by Robert Osbourne as a film he originally had no interest in seeing, then loved it, and by Alex Baldwin, who pointed out the great actors in the cast, including Lee Marvin, Ernest Brognine and Dean Jagger. Well, after all that, I had to like it, right?  I did. A lot. It was a Good Day On My Couch.
Behind the Scenes Stuff: Spencer Tracey was off drinking and wouldn't commit to the film until the producers (who wanted him desperately) told him that they had Alan Ladd, at which point Tracey grabbed it.  He was perfect for the part, wearing a dark suit and tie the entire time in a western setting,  pulling it off perfectly. Other than that "fashion statement," the film makes a strong case against racism: the hatred of the Japanese during WW2. See it.

Song of The Thin Man:
I usually like these frothy, silly, suave, utter unrealistic films from the 30s and 40s, with William Powell and Myrna Loy as the couple we'd all like to be — if only we had the looks, brains, money, a huge capacity for drinking and a dog like Asta. But this one was a stinker, rather than a stinger, or maybe a sinker, because  it turned out to be the last, not to mention the least, in the series. Watch any of the others four sequels, but not this one: Even the pooch jumped the shark.

The Children's Hour:
It had its moments, and just looking at Audrey Hepburn makes life worth living, but mostly I kept thinking that the play, by Lillian Hellman, was so much better. It's about two young women runing a school for girls, who are accused by a hateful little brat of being (GASP!) lesbians. And although the closest we get in this 1961 production to using that actual term is the word "unnatural," it's enough to ruin their lives.  A young Shirley McClaine is worth seeing in this, and James Garner, and Audrey Hepburn is, well, Audrey Hepburn. The rumor of the love that dare not speak its name is totally untrue — or is it? And I'll say no more, because you should see the movie for yourself, imperfect as it may be, as is Life Itself.

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by martinis alone,
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