EXCUSES! EXCUSES!
Written by Pat Fortunato   
Monday, 16 May 2011 12:32

 

Actual Sent Email:
Fotolia_18140084_XSSorry I didn't answer your call, but I was out getting drunk with Diana.
We also did some shopping.

Reply:
Next time, can I come?
We can skip the shopping part.

See? I told the truth instead of making up some lame excuse — and it worked.

Think of how this could uncomplicate your life.
Or complicate it beyond repair.

Excuses You Might Consider. . .

"I would have gotten back to you sooner, but I had no idea what to say about your sex change operation. I still don't. I hope that "Good luck" covers it. Whatever "it" is with you these days."

"I won't be coming to your party because the last time I got food poisoning. Actually, we all did, so I know it wasn't just me."

"Please forgive me for missing your son's high school  graduation but if I had to sit through one more boring speech (in the sun!) I would have gone Postal. Isn't it better if I just send you some money?"

Fotolia_15262070_XS 

"Really sorry (I mean it) that I missed your birthday:

I heard there were some really awesome cupcakes!

And I do think that admitting your age is brave of you, considering."

 

There are some excuses you should NEVER use. . .

"I have a cold/headache/stomach ache/severe flatulence."
Or any other kind of affliction.

The Excuse Gods will get you for this, and you will develop the very illness you are fabricating. You could end up in bed. With a cold. Or worse.

On the other hand, 

There are plenty of other excuses at your disposal:

GeorgeClooney

 

"Have to cancel Friday because I got a much better offer.
So better."

If only . . .

More realistically:

"I won't be coming to dinner on Saturday because I just saw you last weekend, and honestly that's enough for now. Maybe in the summer, or early 2012."

"I can't attend your child's piano recital because I am a music lover."

"I'm leaving this message on your machine because having an actual conversation is out of the question. Even this is excruciating."

Aren't you tired of saying that my cell just lost power?

Does anyone actually believe that any more?

So how about this:

"I don't have an unlimited call plan, so is this really important?"

ClinkingGlassesAnd my favorite excuse of all:

"I'm not answering any texts, emails, or calls today because I'm out getting drunk with Diana."

Cheers!

So What's Your Excuse?

 

LIFE IS STRANGE . . .


Joe_FortunatoHours after I posted this last Monday, I got the terrible news that my dad had passed away, and I rushed out without sending out emails.
Naturally, I haven't written  a new post since then.
Seriously, this has got to be the best/worst excuse in the world, and it's ironic that I had just written about excuses. 

But Dad was 99, died peacefully, and always had a great sense of humor:
He called the crypt at the cemetery His Last Condominium In The Sky.
And as many of you have mentioned, we all do need a laugh at a time like this, so I will be continuing with the blog as soon as I can.

Here's Dad giving the toast at my wedding three years ago.
And Diana was right behind him!


 
This is a threaded commenting system. click [Reply to this comment] for your comment to be underneath the comment you're replying to.

Comments  

 
0 # Lucy 2011-05-25 08:58
Sorry for the loss, but I do think this is one of those times when you need to get drunk with Diana!
Reply | Reply with quote | Quote
 
 
0 # Pat Fortunato 2011-05-25 09:03
Thanks, Lucy. That is definitely on my To Do List.
Reply | Reply with quote | Quote
 
 
0 # Carole 2011-05-25 11:02
So sorry about your Dad's passing. But, you do have some funny, silly, acceptable?? excuses to not do what you don't want to do. The trick is to remember them when you need them. As you say6, "That's another story".
Reply | Reply with quote | Quote
 
 
0 # Pat Fortunato 2011-05-25 15:38
Thanks Carole. As I said, Dad had a sense of humor, so he would have gotten a kick out of the blog.
Reply | Reply with quote | Quote
 
 
0 # kim zarro 2011-05-25 12:58
Hi Pat! LOVE the Excuses Blog...sometimes I just don't reply...then there is no excuse made...LOL! You did all you could for your Dad...Cheers to you and your Day and/or Night out with Diana...make it a weekend! Well deserved! Dad can come and stay @ the "Zarro Zoo" Hahaha!!! xox kim:)
Reply | Reply with quote | Quote
 
 
0 # Pat Fortunato 2011-05-25 15:37
That's Dad, as in your dad. My dad will be there in spirit – he loved you and Tonay.
Reply | Reply with quote | Quote
 
 
0 # Diana 2011-05-25 14:27
Your father was a lucky man to live a long, healthy life and have a daughter like you to watch over him. I know there are others that should be given honorable mention, but after all, this is your blog.
Pete's Tavern is definitly on the schedule for next week. No shopping, I promise.
Reply | Reply with quote | Quote
 
 
0 # Pat Fortunato 2011-05-25 15:39
Pete's Tavern it will be, and not a minute too soon!
Reply | Reply with quote | Quote
 
 
0 # Gary Poole 2011-05-26 10:02
Now I know where you got your sense of humor, from your Dad. Sorry about his passing, but he had a good full life and a daughter he could be proud of. Excuses? Best one from a woman turning a guy down for a date (not me, by the way) "Sorry, I can't go out with you Friday. I have to put the catsup back in the refrigerator."
Reply | Reply with quote | Quote
 
 
0 # Pat Fortunato 2011-05-26 10:27
The worst excuse ever has to have come from Newt Gingrich: he had affairs because he was so stressed from serving his country???
Reply | Reply with quote | Quote
 
 
0 # Rob 2011-05-28 07:06
I usually take your advice, but I don't think "Sorry, I was getting drunk with Diana" would work in my house.
Reply | Reply with quote | Quote
 
 
0 # Pat Fortunato 2011-05-28 07:23
I guess I better scrap my idea of becoming an advice columnist. . .
Reply | Reply with quote | Quote
 
 
0 # Phil Ganci 2011-05-31 12:51
Sorry for your loss. Comforting to know your father's wit, wisdom and humor carry on with you.
Reply | Reply with quote | Quote
 

Add comment

Notify me of follow-up comments

Blog Roll

Comments

  • I'll Drink To That!
    I most definitely plan to vote but it is our choic...
  • I'll Drink To That!
    Just thought that the correlation between greatnes...
  • OH, SUGAR!
    Don't worry, Mr. P. I never count calories and I w...
  • I'll Drink To That!
    I'm going to vote, but not on caffeine vs. alcohol...
  • OH, SUGAR!
    Pat, stop counting grams, etc. Portion control is ...
  • OH, SUGAR!
    And you were eating the cottage cheese because you...
  • OH, SUGAR!
    I see what you mean: there's 3 grams of fat in the...
  • OH, SUGAR!
    This is in the same category of advice as A piece ...
  • OH, SUGAR!
    Do what I do - don't wear your glasses when you ea...
  • It's No Yoke!
    If it ever does, I'm going to document it and keep...
My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!

Bitter Patter

Friday the 13th 
Came and went.

I bought a lottery ticket 
And didn't win.  

Reread
 
THE 13th FLOOR
To remind myself how lucky I am.

WENT FISHING!

Well, eating fish anyway.
And swimming, although not with the fishes in the Uncle Nunzio sense.

Back from the Caribbean. 
But don't be TOO jealous:

My tan has already faded. 
Besdies, before we left, I had to go through 

THE ELEVEN STAGES OF PACKING
Which is not for sissies.

Just got a call from 
(Gasp!) the dental hygienist. 
Hasn't she read:

A DEVOUT COWARD 
GOES TO THE DENTIST

Do NOT Google Santorum.
I warned you . . .

 Just as I posted I WAS THE GIRL PHANTOM, I found a website called The Ghost Who Blogs about The Phantom comics:

http://falkonthewildside.blogspot.com

Writing Comics. . .
Was a small but wonderful part of my checkered career, and doing a post about it  brought back a lot of great memories. If you know any other women in NYC who wrote — or are writing — comics, tell me how to get in touch with them. 

I'm on a watching-old-movies kick these days.
Great way to lose yourself.
If you're lucky, you'll never be found. 

REVIEWS TO PERUSE

I'm All Right, Jack:
"Jack" is not just all right, it's totally delightful and fresh as a daisy after all these years (made in 1959), with Sellers, although not technically the lead, giving the brilliant performance that launched him as an international star. He plays an all-too-zealous union leader and father of a blonde bombshell who falls for Stanley, the British Upper Class Twit played, also to perfection, by Ian Carmichael, who you might remember from the Lord Peter Wimsey series. The makeout scenes between the the Twit and the Bombshell are priceless. But what is Stanley doing in this working class atmosphere anyway? Working. And too well at that. Forced by financial circumstances too dreary to discuss, he gets a job in his uncle's factory and messes things up for the other workers by, well, working, and thus making his fellow employees look bad. The film takes a big shot at unions — but also at management: they are manipulating white-collar thieves who'll do anything for a buck. Or a pound. Except for the ones, like Major Hitchcock, played by Terry Thomas, who are just plain lazy and inept. Needless to say, Stanley foils everybody's plans, labor and management alike, to my great joy and delight. Oh, and on top of everything else, Margaret Rutherford plays dotty dowager Aunt Dolly. Delicious!

 The Big Lebowski:
What can you say that hasn't been said before: brilliant, inspired, with some of the most memorable lines ever to come out of a movie, the most quoted being "The Dude abides." Oh yes. For anyone who hasn't yet seen the film, and it's now out in a special Blu-Ray edition if that floats your bowling ball. The Dude in question,  played to perfection by Jeff Bridges, is an out-of-work pothead who is roughed up and has his rug destroyed by some thugs mistaking him for another, bigger, Lebowski. The Dude is really upset about this because, man, "that rug really tied the room together," which The Dude says with all seriousness and not a trace of irony, a great comic touch considering the condition his condition is in.  Oh, and besides "Just Dropped In," all the music is perfect for the film. The plot, according to Wikipedia, which has been known to be wrong, is "loosely based on Raymond chandler's novel, The Big Sleep." Could be. But who cares. It involves a bowling competition, "the occasional acid flashback," a trophy wife, a group of German nihilists, a kidnapping gone awry, a mad millionaire and his lackey, in another great performance by Philip Seymour Hoffman. Actually, they're all great performances. Never a fan of John Goodman before or since, he is brilliant in this film. And so are John Turturro, overacting his little heart out, Steve Buscemi in a nerdy, needy role that makes you marvel at his star turn in Boardwalk Empire, and even the actors in the smaller parts, especially Julianne Moore and Sam Elliott. Elliott plays The Stranger (God? Everyman? The part of us that roots for the bad boy?) who elicits from Bridges the immortal words, "The Dude abides." Which prompts The Stranger to comment to the audience: "Don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals." We'll never know about the bowling trophy because there's never been a sequel to this 1998 film by the great Coen Brothers, and I hope there never will be. It just abides, as all great films do.

Prince of the City:
Okay, the criticisms of this movie are not totally unfounded: it's too long, and Treat Williams may have overacted a bit, although I found him so deliciously charming I couldn't care less, and there's one part concerning the Jerry Orbach character I just didn't understand. But get over it, The New Yorker, this is one powerful movie. And yes, Dog Day Afternoon it isn't, but what it? The DVD has a great special feature with Williams (I so want to call him Treat) and Sidney (what the hell: I once made a meatloaf sandwich for the man) that explains a lot about filmmaking in general and this movie in particular. Also, Sidney's views on good and evil, and how things are not so black and white as you think. I loved it.

Bad Day At Black Rock:
Recommended on TCM by Robert Osbourne as a film he originally had no interest in seeing, then loved it, and by Alex Baldwin, who pointed out the great actors in the cast, including Lee Marvin, Ernest Brognine and Dean Jagger. Well, after all that, I had to like it, right?  I did. A lot. It was a Good Day On My Couch.
Behind the Scenes Stuff: Spencer Tracey was off drinking and wouldn't commit to the film until the producers (who wanted him desperately) told him that they had Alan Ladd, at which point Tracey grabbed it.  He was perfect for the part, wearing a dark suit and tie the entire time in a western setting,  pulling it off perfectly. Other than that "fashion statement," the film makes a strong case against racism: the hatred of the Japanese during WW2. See it.

Song of The Thin Man:
I usually like these frothy, silly, suave, utter unrealistic films from the 30s and 40s, with William Powell and Myrna Loy as the couple we'd all like to be — if only we had the looks, brains, money, a huge capacity for drinking and a dog like Asta. But this one was a stinker, rather than a stinger, or maybe a sinker, because  it turned out to be the last, not to mention the least, in the series. Watch any of the others four sequels, but not this one: Even the pooch jumped the shark.

The Children's Hour:
It had its moments, and just looking at Audrey Hepburn makes life worth living, but mostly I kept thinking that the play, by Lillian Hellman, was so much better. It's about two young women runing a school for girls, who are accused by a hateful little brat of being (GASP!) lesbians. And although the closest we get in this 1961 production to using that actual term is the word "unnatural," it's enough to ruin their lives.  A young Shirley McClaine is worth seeing in this, and James Garner, and Audrey Hepburn is, well, Audrey Hepburn. The rumor of the love that dare not speak its name is totally untrue — or is it? And I'll say no more, because you should see the movie for yourself, imperfect as it may be, as is Life Itself.

Because when I am not blogging, I sometimes cook,
and because woman does not live
by martinis alone,
I like this blog:

grapesandgreens.blogspot.com

To comment on
BITTER PATTER
Click on:
Welcome To My Blog


Scroll down to
PAT'S FAVORITES
for a blast
from the past.
rssfeedV2