Uncle Mo Was Scratched!
Written by Pat Fortunato   
Tuesday, 10 May 2011 08:38

Or: Where Is A Bookie When You Need One?

KentuckyDerby11 All bets were off. My horse, the endearingly named Uncle Mo, was scratched the day before the Kentucky Derby, leaving me scratching my head and hedging my bets.

I settled on Archarcharch, the horse so nice they named him thrice, and Pants on Fire because the jockey could have become the first woman to win the Derby.

Alas, Pants came in seventh or eighth (after third, it really doesn't matter), and Arch3, well let's not talk about it.

Luckily, I never got to bet. I have one of those cool green OTB cards, but Off Track Betting went out of business. What are the odds of that. I mean, really! They ran a gambling AKA  "gaming" operation and couldn't make money? Whatever you call it, the chips — cards, dice,  dogs and horses — are always stacked against the player, not the house.

One New Year's Eve, many moons and a few husbands ago, I sat next to the manager of Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas, Murray the G.  Murray, who knew that my husband, not I, was the high roller, pointed around the luxurious room, leaned in and said, "Listen, Honey, we didn't build all this on winners. Stick to the slots."

And yet.

RouletteWheelPixRouletteWheelPixGambling is fun.

Once in Vegas, I was winning at roulette (a real sucker's game) and decided to place all my ill-gotten gains on Number 14. It hit! For 5 G's! Not Murray the G's, but 5000 smackeroos. That is such a rush. One you don't forget. What you don't remember is how you managed to blow it all before the night was over. It is not for nothing that we have the expression: Easy come, easy go.

Some wins do stay with you, literally. I once made $600 on the Derby and bought a great purse with the dough. It's my Kentucky Derby Purse (get it?) and I still use it. Another year, I popped into an OTB and plopped down an uncharacteristic 100 across the board ($100 each to win, to place and to show,), betting on a horse whose name resonated with me. Was it Editor? Paperback Writer? Future Blogger? Something like that. Anyway, the horse won, so I went across the street to PC Richards and bought the TV set that still lives in my den.

My worst gambling experience . . .

MovingDoorman

Involved bringing others down with me.

Dominic The Doorman served as my bookie (and lookout) when I lived on the Upper East Side, having lost Vinnie the Bookie, who became an insurance agent, which should tell you something.

My husband, Harry The Horse, had developed a System, with which he was losing significant sums of money because he was cheating on it. The idea was to narrow down possible winners in a race to three horses, based on their record, the jockey, the track conditions, and Other Factors, perhaps including pork belly futures. You'd pick one of the three and bet it to win, place and show, with the most money on show. Ex: $10 to win, $10 to place, $20 to show. You would almost always come out even, sometimes way ahead, and over time you'd be a winner.

But he got carried away (the curse of gambling) and laid big amounts on one horse to win. And lost.  I, on the other hand, liked the sound of this System, and started using it.

It worked! In a short time, Dominic and the other doormen began to notice that my small bets were winning on a consistent basis. One year, I won on the Derby and the Preakness, so by the time Belmont rolled around, the entire staff of 200 East 64th street was counting on me to double their paychecks.

The Long Shot Sometimes Wins . . .

By then, however, I was bored with quietly winning a little at a time, and decided to play a long shot, a horse named Teddy Bear or some such silliness who went off at 50 to one. I warned Dominic that my $100 bet was purely a hunch, but of course he didn't believe me. Well, you guessed it. The horse not only didn't win, but is probably still running. I lost the bet, the good will of my doormen, and worst of all, my street cred.

Oh well, life goes on.

I tried an online betting site for the Derby on Saturday, but they asked for my age (the nerve!) and my social security number (no way). OTB never treated me like that; I'd rather go betless.

Lucky thing, since I obviously didn't have a clue about this race. The winner was Animal Kingdom, and he was never even on my radar. I could say, "I was looking at that horse," because that's what you always hear at the track or OTB, but it wouldn't be true. I didn't consider that horse, or Nehro or Mucho Macho Man either, the second and third place winners.

GirlAtPianoThe only other horse I was "looking at" was Shackleford, the name of my piano teacher in the second grade. He (the horse) came in fourth,   although he did lead the field for a while.

I have no idea what became of Mr. (Forrest) Shackleford, and I never did learn to play the piano. But that's another blog.

 
This is a threaded commenting system. click [Reply to this comment] for your comment to be underneath the comment you're replying to.

Comments  

 
0 # Elf Ahearn 2011-05-11 08:07
I liked Shackleford because the horse's name is similar to the explorer Earnest Shackleton. Imagine my enthusiasm as he lead the pack for most of the race. Imagine my deflation as he fell behind some pony named "Animal Kingdom." As if...
Reply | Reply with quote | Quote
 
 
0 # Pat Fortunato 2011-05-11 08:18
Ah, the highs and lows of gaming. Hope you didn't bet the farm on Shackleford.
Reply | Reply with quote | Quote
 
 
0 # Elf Ahearn 2011-05-11 11:40
Nah, no betting for me. I'm the sort who walks into a casino and loses $50 in the bathroom.
Reply | Reply with quote | Quote
 
 
0 # John Sposato 2011-05-11 10:15
Nice story, but the tintype of you at the piano is a "winner".
Reply | Reply with quote | Quote
 
 
0 # Pat Fortunato 2011-05-11 10:40
They didn't have photos in those days . . .
Reply | Reply with quote | Quote
 
 
0 # John 2011-05-14 19:14
I know – someday I’ll show you the cave drawing of my first birthday party!
Reply | Reply with quote | Quote
 
 
0 # Gary Poole 2011-05-11 15:53
My daughter Jennifer married a Shackelford. (Different spelling..el instead of le.) I'd bet on her any day.
She's a winnah! I never knew you were a gambling gal! I used to do the one-armed bandits, but no more. What money goes to Vegas, stays in Vegas.
Reply | Reply with quote | Quote
 
 
0 # Pat Fortunato 2011-05-12 09:56
What money goes to Vegas, stays in Vegas? Too true. Been there, done that. But I still like to bet on the big races: it's more fun to watch all the hoopla when you have a horse in the race.
Reply | Reply with quote | Quote
 

Add comment

Notify me of follow-up comments

Blog Roll

Comments

  • I'll Drink To That!
    I most definitely plan to vote but it is our choic...
  • I'll Drink To That!
    Just thought that the correlation between greatnes...
  • OH, SUGAR!
    Don't worry, Mr. P. I never count calories and I w...
  • I'll Drink To That!
    I'm going to vote, but not on caffeine vs. alcohol...
  • OH, SUGAR!
    Pat, stop counting grams, etc. Portion control is ...
  • OH, SUGAR!
    And you were eating the cottage cheese because you...
  • OH, SUGAR!
    I see what you mean: there's 3 grams of fat in the...
  • OH, SUGAR!
    This is in the same category of advice as A piece ...
  • OH, SUGAR!
    Do what I do - don't wear your glasses when you ea...
  • It's No Yoke!
    If it ever does, I'm going to document it and keep...
My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!

Bitter Patter

Friday the 13th 
Came and went.

I bought a lottery ticket 
And didn't win.  

Reread
 
THE 13th FLOOR
To remind myself how lucky I am.

WENT FISHING!

Well, eating fish anyway.
And swimming, although not with the fishes in the Uncle Nunzio sense.

Back from the Caribbean. 
But don't be TOO jealous:

My tan has already faded. 
Besdies, before we left, I had to go through 

THE ELEVEN STAGES OF PACKING
Which is not for sissies.

Just got a call from 
(Gasp!) the dental hygienist. 
Hasn't she read:

A DEVOUT COWARD 
GOES TO THE DENTIST

Do NOT Google Santorum.
I warned you . . .

 Just as I posted I WAS THE GIRL PHANTOM, I found a website called The Ghost Who Blogs about The Phantom comics:

http://falkonthewildside.blogspot.com

Writing Comics. . .
Was a small but wonderful part of my checkered career, and doing a post about it  brought back a lot of great memories. If you know any other women in NYC who wrote — or are writing — comics, tell me how to get in touch with them. 

I'm on a watching-old-movies kick these days.
Great way to lose yourself.
If you're lucky, you'll never be found. 

REVIEWS TO PERUSE

I'm All Right, Jack:
"Jack" is not just all right, it's totally delightful and fresh as a daisy after all these years (made in 1959), with Sellers, although not technically the lead, giving the brilliant performance that launched him as an international star. He plays an all-too-zealous union leader and father of a blonde bombshell who falls for Stanley, the British Upper Class Twit played, also to perfection, by Ian Carmichael, who you might remember from the Lord Peter Wimsey series. The makeout scenes between the the Twit and the Bombshell are priceless. But what is Stanley doing in this working class atmosphere anyway? Working. And too well at that. Forced by financial circumstances too dreary to discuss, he gets a job in his uncle's factory and messes things up for the other workers by, well, working, and thus making his fellow employees look bad. The film takes a big shot at unions — but also at management: they are manipulating white-collar thieves who'll do anything for a buck. Or a pound. Except for the ones, like Major Hitchcock, played by Terry Thomas, who are just plain lazy and inept. Needless to say, Stanley foils everybody's plans, labor and management alike, to my great joy and delight. Oh, and on top of everything else, Margaret Rutherford plays dotty dowager Aunt Dolly. Delicious!

 The Big Lebowski:
What can you say that hasn't been said before: brilliant, inspired, with some of the most memorable lines ever to come out of a movie, the most quoted being "The Dude abides." Oh yes. For anyone who hasn't yet seen the film, and it's now out in a special Blu-Ray edition if that floats your bowling ball. The Dude in question,  played to perfection by Jeff Bridges, is an out-of-work pothead who is roughed up and has his rug destroyed by some thugs mistaking him for another, bigger, Lebowski. The Dude is really upset about this because, man, "that rug really tied the room together," which The Dude says with all seriousness and not a trace of irony, a great comic touch considering the condition his condition is in.  Oh, and besides "Just Dropped In," all the music is perfect for the film. The plot, according to Wikipedia, which has been known to be wrong, is "loosely based on Raymond chandler's novel, The Big Sleep." Could be. But who cares. It involves a bowling competition, "the occasional acid flashback," a trophy wife, a group of German nihilists, a kidnapping gone awry, a mad millionaire and his lackey, in another great performance by Philip Seymour Hoffman. Actually, they're all great performances. Never a fan of John Goodman before or since, he is brilliant in this film. And so are John Turturro, overacting his little heart out, Steve Buscemi in a nerdy, needy role that makes you marvel at his star turn in Boardwalk Empire, and even the actors in the smaller parts, especially Julianne Moore and Sam Elliott. Elliott plays The Stranger (God? Everyman? The part of us that roots for the bad boy?) who elicits from Bridges the immortal words, "The Dude abides." Which prompts The Stranger to comment to the audience: "Don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals." We'll never know about the bowling trophy because there's never been a sequel to this 1998 film by the great Coen Brothers, and I hope there never will be. It just abides, as all great films do.

Prince of the City:
Okay, the criticisms of this movie are not totally unfounded: it's too long, and Treat Williams may have overacted a bit, although I found him so deliciously charming I couldn't care less, and there's one part concerning the Jerry Orbach character I just didn't understand. But get over it, The New Yorker, this is one powerful movie. And yes, Dog Day Afternoon it isn't, but what it? The DVD has a great special feature with Williams (I so want to call him Treat) and Sidney (what the hell: I once made a meatloaf sandwich for the man) that explains a lot about filmmaking in general and this movie in particular. Also, Sidney's views on good and evil, and how things are not so black and white as you think. I loved it.

Bad Day At Black Rock:
Recommended on TCM by Robert Osbourne as a film he originally had no interest in seeing, then loved it, and by Alex Baldwin, who pointed out the great actors in the cast, including Lee Marvin, Ernest Brognine and Dean Jagger. Well, after all that, I had to like it, right?  I did. A lot. It was a Good Day On My Couch.
Behind the Scenes Stuff: Spencer Tracey was off drinking and wouldn't commit to the film until the producers (who wanted him desperately) told him that they had Alan Ladd, at which point Tracey grabbed it.  He was perfect for the part, wearing a dark suit and tie the entire time in a western setting,  pulling it off perfectly. Other than that "fashion statement," the film makes a strong case against racism: the hatred of the Japanese during WW2. See it.

Song of The Thin Man:
I usually like these frothy, silly, suave, utter unrealistic films from the 30s and 40s, with William Powell and Myrna Loy as the couple we'd all like to be — if only we had the looks, brains, money, a huge capacity for drinking and a dog like Asta. But this one was a stinker, rather than a stinger, or maybe a sinker, because  it turned out to be the last, not to mention the least, in the series. Watch any of the others four sequels, but not this one: Even the pooch jumped the shark.

The Children's Hour:
It had its moments, and just looking at Audrey Hepburn makes life worth living, but mostly I kept thinking that the play, by Lillian Hellman, was so much better. It's about two young women runing a school for girls, who are accused by a hateful little brat of being (GASP!) lesbians. And although the closest we get in this 1961 production to using that actual term is the word "unnatural," it's enough to ruin their lives.  A young Shirley McClaine is worth seeing in this, and James Garner, and Audrey Hepburn is, well, Audrey Hepburn. The rumor of the love that dare not speak its name is totally untrue — or is it? And I'll say no more, because you should see the movie for yourself, imperfect as it may be, as is Life Itself.

Because when I am not blogging, I sometimes cook,
and because woman does not live
by martinis alone,
I like this blog:

grapesandgreens.blogspot.com

To comment on
BITTER PATTER
Click on:
Welcome To My Blog


Scroll down to
PAT'S FAVORITES
for a blast
from the past.
rssfeedV2