Shopping Is Not For Sissies
Written by Pat Fortunato   
Tuesday, 15 November 2011 13:51

Saks

It Happened At Saks. . .

I was waiting on the 9th floor for Diana, the Shopping Queen. Without her, my quest for a shearling coat might never be realized, my dreams of furry happiness would not come true.

As you blog fans know, I am not a good shopper. Too impatient. Easily confused. Stunned by the prices. And yet.

Hadda Have A Shearling Coat

I wanted one for several long, cold winters, and really wanted it now. Last year, I waited too long, figuring to get a steal, but then there was nothing left in my size.

This coat had to be black, dressy enough to replace the old (and I mean old) mink in the storage closet, doing —as George Harrison sings in As My Guitar Gently Weeps —"nothing but aging." But the new coat also had to be not too dressy so I could use it every day.

I wanted a real relationship. Not just a rebound coat.

LeahThe young adorable sales clerk, Leah Rosen, spotted me testing my texting skills on my new iPhone. I was trying to reach Diana because the shearlings had been moved from the fur department on 2 to co-mingle with the plain Republican cloth coats on 9. Does that mean they're politically correct now, I wondered. Depends on who you talk to. PETA says no. Ralph Lauren says yes. I'm not sure, I just want to be warm this winter. Meanwhile, Diana texted back: I'm on the escalator.

Thank god.

The sales woman ("person?" surely not "girl?" Let's just call her Leah) had asked, rhetorically, if I needed help, and I told her I was waiting for a friend. Oh, says Leah. That means you're on a mission.

Were we ever. I won't bore you with the details, but when it comes to shopping, Diana takes no prisoners, the staff of the fur/shearling department wanted a sale, and with the 30 per cent off I could almost afford this, especially if I used a few gift certificates left over from last year.  So . . .

SHOPPING MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

shearling001_copyI'd show you a picture of it and me, but as we speak the cuffs are being shortened by alteration elves who understand how embarrassing it is to have sleeves come down to your knees. This is the coat on the left, although I'll never look this glam, wear it with white strapless, or be a tall blonde.

Meanwhile, I'll share a parody song I wrote for my wedding reception four years ago. Four years! Yes, fans, that's right: we just celebrated an anniversary.

Anyway, the song is about another, what could have been far more traumatic, shopping event: the wedding outfit. So not for the fainthearted. Especially since it wasn't exactly the first time. For either a wedding or a dress.

Fortunately, the shopping expeditions were successful . . .

wed_19wed_20

 

 

 

 

 
 

 

 

Sung to the tune of Paul Anka's "Diana"

There so just so much to do  
I couldn't seem to see it through
 
To buy the dress, the ring, the shoes 
I was getting SO CON-FUSED!
The purse, the pearls, the pantyhose,
You can hit it on the nose!

Oh please, shop with me, Diana.

Something old and something new,
Something blue — will Lou's tie do?
He gets dressed with so much ease,
Me, I'm down on both my knees
Praying for a dress that's cool
A dress to make Luigi drool!

Oh please, shop with me, Diana

I bought a Vogue, I bought an Elle,
But on my own, I looked like hell!
I couldn't seem to get too far
I had to have that push-up bra!
It turned out great, this outfit's cute –
Without your help, my birthday suit!

Oh thank god, you shopped with me, Diana.
Oh thank god, you shopped with me, Diana

Thanks again, Diana, not to mention Leah, the alteration elves, those nice gift certificates, my ability to rationalize anything, and, of course, the Shopping Gods.

"Because of you, I've a song in my heart." And before long, a coat in my closet.

 

For more wedding info — and photos — click on: 
Nothing Is Simple: The Wedding Bell Blues

For more on shoppping — for a (Gasp!) bathing suit — click on: 
The Bathing Suit Blues

 

 
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Comments  

 
0 # Carole 2011-11-17 09:48
So glad mission was accomplished. Now, there's one less thing to be concerned about. Hoorah for Diana, Leah and of course you.

Now on to the iphone.
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2011-11-17 12:44
Ah, the iPhone. I can do a lot of it, but when I can send emails using my thumbs, rapidly, I will know I have arrived.
Meanwhile, I'll have my coat to keep me warm.
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0 # Nancy Lombardi 2011-11-17 11:58
Good for you! I soooo want one too but just can't bring myself to spend the money on it just yet...maybe next winter :)
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2011-11-17 12:47
I waited quite a few winters before I 1)admitted my old fur was beyond help and 2)decided shearling was worth the investment.
If you can, try the end of season sales: they should be great this year.
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+2 # leah 2011-11-18 10:41
Hi Pat,
I'm so happy we found each other at Saks. Can't wait to see you in your new shearling!

Leah
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2011-11-18 10:59
Call me when it's ready!
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+1 # Sara 2011-11-18 11:18
O.M.G!!! I know that "young adorable salesperson" Leah Rosen!!! Pat, you got lucky! Both on finding your coat and meeting, Leah. If anyone ever finds themselves in Saks, and is in dire need of fashion advice with a little adventure thrown in, LOOK FOR HER!!!
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2011-11-18 11:50
Sara, AKA winner of the I Can't Believe I'm Not Bitter Award in the Reservations Clerk category for scoring tickets for The Book of Mormon before it was hit,you sure do get around!
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0 # Diana 2011-11-18 12:05
You can run but you can't shop! Sara knows Leah and now our secret is out. I hope Leah remembers which blogger made her famous and invites us to the next Friends and Family sale at Saks. Bathing suit season is coming...
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2011-11-18 12:08
Oh no, not bathing suits! Please give me time to luxuriate in my warm fuzzy coverup!
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0 # sara coe 2011-11-18 18:28
Okay, I won the award for scoring tickets to Book of Morman before it was a hit,
but not for knowing Leah! There is another Sara that reads your blog!!!
Enjoy your new coat Pat. Good friends like Diana should be recognized in a blog. She's terrific, but so are you.
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2011-11-18 19:05
Holy Shearling!
I've been getting a lot of new readers lately, and that must include another Sara.
Hope to see you soon, with or without The Coat.
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0 # Diana 2011-11-19 12:56
OK, chief. We need to know this new Sara. Our Saks karma depends on it!
Next time we need to bring our Sara with us to meet Leah.
A girl can't have too many friends named Sara.
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2011-11-19 13:55
I hope that Sara (either one) checked the Notify me of follow-up comments box so she gets your message.
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0 # sara coe 2011-11-20 11:53
I just checked the Notify me box. But I checked the blog anyway. And I would love to get together. Maybe we'll go shopping at Saks with Diana and the new Sara. After Xmas of course.
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Bitter Patter

Friday the 13th 
Came and went.

I bought a lottery ticket 
And didn't win.  

Reread
 
THE 13th FLOOR
To remind myself how lucky I am.

WENT FISHING!

Well, eating fish anyway.
And swimming, although not with the fishes in the Uncle Nunzio sense.

Back from the Caribbean. 
But don't be TOO jealous:

My tan has already faded. 
Besdies, before we left, I had to go through 

THE ELEVEN STAGES OF PACKING
Which is not for sissies.

Just got a call from 
(Gasp!) the dental hygienist. 
Hasn't she read:

A DEVOUT COWARD 
GOES TO THE DENTIST

Do NOT Google Santorum.
I warned you . . .

 Just as I posted I WAS THE GIRL PHANTOM, I found a website called The Ghost Who Blogs about The Phantom comics:

http://falkonthewildside.blogspot.com

Writing Comics. . .
Was a small but wonderful part of my checkered career, and doing a post about it  brought back a lot of great memories. If you know any other women in NYC who wrote — or are writing — comics, tell me how to get in touch with them. 

I'm on a watching-old-movies kick these days.
Great way to lose yourself.
If you're lucky, you'll never be found. 

REVIEWS TO PERUSE

I'm All Right, Jack:
"Jack" is not just all right, it's totally delightful and fresh as a daisy after all these years (made in 1959), with Sellers, although not technically the lead, giving the brilliant performance that launched him as an international star. He plays an all-too-zealous union leader and father of a blonde bombshell who falls for Stanley, the British Upper Class Twit played, also to perfection, by Ian Carmichael, who you might remember from the Lord Peter Wimsey series. The makeout scenes between the the Twit and the Bombshell are priceless. But what is Stanley doing in this working class atmosphere anyway? Working. And too well at that. Forced by financial circumstances too dreary to discuss, he gets a job in his uncle's factory and messes things up for the other workers by, well, working, and thus making his fellow employees look bad. The film takes a big shot at unions — but also at management: they are manipulating white-collar thieves who'll do anything for a buck. Or a pound. Except for the ones, like Major Hitchcock, played by Terry Thomas, who are just plain lazy and inept. Needless to say, Stanley foils everybody's plans, labor and management alike, to my great joy and delight. Oh, and on top of everything else, Margaret Rutherford plays dotty dowager Aunt Dolly. Delicious!

 The Big Lebowski:
What can you say that hasn't been said before: brilliant, inspired, with some of the most memorable lines ever to come out of a movie, the most quoted being "The Dude abides." Oh yes. For anyone who hasn't yet seen the film, and it's now out in a special Blu-Ray edition if that floats your bowling ball. The Dude in question,  played to perfection by Jeff Bridges, is an out-of-work pothead who is roughed up and has his rug destroyed by some thugs mistaking him for another, bigger, Lebowski. The Dude is really upset about this because, man, "that rug really tied the room together," which The Dude says with all seriousness and not a trace of irony, a great comic touch considering the condition his condition is in.  Oh, and besides "Just Dropped In," all the music is perfect for the film. The plot, according to Wikipedia, which has been known to be wrong, is "loosely based on Raymond chandler's novel, The Big Sleep." Could be. But who cares. It involves a bowling competition, "the occasional acid flashback," a trophy wife, a group of German nihilists, a kidnapping gone awry, a mad millionaire and his lackey, in another great performance by Philip Seymour Hoffman. Actually, they're all great performances. Never a fan of John Goodman before or since, he is brilliant in this film. And so are John Turturro, overacting his little heart out, Steve Buscemi in a nerdy, needy role that makes you marvel at his star turn in Boardwalk Empire, and even the actors in the smaller parts, especially Julianne Moore and Sam Elliott. Elliott plays The Stranger (God? Everyman? The part of us that roots for the bad boy?) who elicits from Bridges the immortal words, "The Dude abides." Which prompts The Stranger to comment to the audience: "Don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals." We'll never know about the bowling trophy because there's never been a sequel to this 1998 film by the great Coen Brothers, and I hope there never will be. It just abides, as all great films do.

Prince of the City:
Okay, the criticisms of this movie are not totally unfounded: it's too long, and Treat Williams may have overacted a bit, although I found him so deliciously charming I couldn't care less, and there's one part concerning the Jerry Orbach character I just didn't understand. But get over it, The New Yorker, this is one powerful movie. And yes, Dog Day Afternoon it isn't, but what it? The DVD has a great special feature with Williams (I so want to call him Treat) and Sidney (what the hell: I once made a meatloaf sandwich for the man) that explains a lot about filmmaking in general and this movie in particular. Also, Sidney's views on good and evil, and how things are not so black and white as you think. I loved it.

Bad Day At Black Rock:
Recommended on TCM by Robert Osbourne as a film he originally had no interest in seeing, then loved it, and by Alex Baldwin, who pointed out the great actors in the cast, including Lee Marvin, Ernest Brognine and Dean Jagger. Well, after all that, I had to like it, right?  I did. A lot. It was a Good Day On My Couch.
Behind the Scenes Stuff: Spencer Tracey was off drinking and wouldn't commit to the film until the producers (who wanted him desperately) told him that they had Alan Ladd, at which point Tracey grabbed it.  He was perfect for the part, wearing a dark suit and tie the entire time in a western setting,  pulling it off perfectly. Other than that "fashion statement," the film makes a strong case against racism: the hatred of the Japanese during WW2. See it.

Song of The Thin Man:
I usually like these frothy, silly, suave, utter unrealistic films from the 30s and 40s, with William Powell and Myrna Loy as the couple we'd all like to be — if only we had the looks, brains, money, a huge capacity for drinking and a dog like Asta. But this one was a stinker, rather than a stinger, or maybe a sinker, because  it turned out to be the last, not to mention the least, in the series. Watch any of the others four sequels, but not this one: Even the pooch jumped the shark.

The Children's Hour:
It had its moments, and just looking at Audrey Hepburn makes life worth living, but mostly I kept thinking that the play, by Lillian Hellman, was so much better. It's about two young women runing a school for girls, who are accused by a hateful little brat of being (GASP!) lesbians. And although the closest we get in this 1961 production to using that actual term is the word "unnatural," it's enough to ruin their lives.  A young Shirley McClaine is worth seeing in this, and James Garner, and Audrey Hepburn is, well, Audrey Hepburn. The rumor of the love that dare not speak its name is totally untrue — or is it? And I'll say no more, because you should see the movie for yourself, imperfect as it may be, as is Life Itself.

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and because woman does not live
by martinis alone,
I like this blog:

grapesandgreens.blogspot.com

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