| I WANT MY IPHONE! |
| Written by Pat Fortunato |
| Monday, 03 October 2011 11:17 |
|
Take me: I'm in love with my new OBJECTUM SEXUAL?I'm not talking about that weird psychological phenomenon you saw on Boston Legal, where a person is incapable of actual affection for another human, but develops a deep devotion to say, a toaster, or an electric blanket. Not just (forgive me) warm feelings, but hot-blooded lust for an inanimate object. This honest-to-Pete actual condition is called Objectum Sexual (OS for short), and the less said about it here the better. Although if you're really interested, you could check out OS International in San Francisco. The thing is, even those of us within the normal range of human behavior can become inordinately fond of inanimate objects . . . especially if the product happens to come from Apple. YOU REALLY CAN "LOVE" YOUR IPHONE
Your love — or addiction, if you insist —is not rational. And this from a person who, while not exactly a Luddite, had to be strong-armed into getting a Kindle (now I love it, too), doesn't text, forgets how to program her clock, and still doesn't have a smart phone. Until now. I've wanted an IPhone for a long, long time, but kept procrastinating. Every time I was ready, a new model was allegedly coming out, and hell, why get the 2 when you get the 3, or the 3 when you could get the 4, and this will probably go on until we're talking (literally) in telephone numbers. Can you just imagine the IPhone1,000,000? It will probably take the law school exam for you. And get you into Columbia. But I cannot wait any longer. I've waited long enough. I want my I Phone and I want it now! Even if the slim, handsome stranger was supposed to be a 5 and turned out to be a 4S. This new phone looks the same, but "there's more under the hood." Faster and stronger. I'm panting with the thrill of it all. There's one little problem . . . I figure there'll be a line out of the store for several weeks, and I don't do lines. Sigh. So I will have to wait. Just a little while longer. Meanwhile, I have my IMac to write this on, and my memories of the old Tekserve store on East 23rd Street. The new one, on the first floor, is nice enough, but the original one upstairs, was an affair to remember. You got off the elevator and entered this alternate universe of Appleheads, where you took a number, sat in unmatched chairs, and waited patiently for a nerd from central casting to take your case. Which they solved. SEX AND THE COMPUTER?
What can you say about Apple, other than it's the one stock you're actually glad you own? Once you try a Mac, you'll never go back (Personally, I've never tried anything else) An Apple a day . . . (fill in the blank). You get what you pay for. Sad, but true. And how about your mother's advice (unless you were Anderson Cooper): Always wait until the right one comes along. Well, I waited, and it's come. With any luck, my Iphone and I will quickly become an item, and I can text and tweet the world about our happiness. Anticipation is such a nice part of romance, don't you think? |
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Comments
- I'll Drink To That!
I most definitely plan to vote but it is our choic... - I'll Drink To That!
Just thought that the correlation between greatnes... - OH, SUGAR!
Don't worry, Mr. P. I never count calories and I w... - I'll Drink To That!
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Bitter Patter
Friday the 13th
Came and went.
I bought a lottery ticket
And didn't win.
Reread
THE 13th FLOOR
To remind myself how lucky I am.
WENT FISHING!
Well, eating fish anyway.
And swimming, although not with the fishes in the Uncle Nunzio sense.
Back from the Caribbean.
But don't be TOO jealous:
My tan has already faded.
Besdies, before we left, I had to go through
THE ELEVEN STAGES OF PACKING
Which is not for sissies.
Just got a call from
(Gasp!) the dental hygienist.
Hasn't she read:
A DEVOUT COWARD
GOES TO THE DENTIST
Do NOT Google Santorum.
I warned you . . .
Just as I posted I WAS THE GIRL PHANTOM, I found a website called The Ghost Who Blogs about The Phantom comics:
http://falkonthewildside.blogspot.com
Writing Comics. . .
Was a small but wonderful part of my checkered career, and doing a post about it brought back a lot of great memories. If you know any other women in NYC who wrote — or are writing — comics, tell me how to get in touch with them.
I'm on a watching-old-movies kick these days.
Great way to lose yourself.
If you're lucky, you'll never be found.
REVIEWS TO PERUSE
I'm All Right, Jack:
"Jack" is not just all right, it's totally delightful and fresh as a daisy after all these years (made in 1959), with Sellers, although not technically the lead, giving the brilliant performance that launched him as an international star. He plays an all-too-zealous union leader and father of a blonde bombshell who falls for Stanley, the British Upper Class Twit played, also to perfection, by Ian Carmichael, who you might remember from the Lord Peter Wimsey series. The makeout scenes between the the Twit and the Bombshell are priceless. But what is Stanley doing in this working class atmosphere anyway? Working. And too well at that. Forced by financial circumstances too dreary to discuss, he gets a job in his uncle's factory and messes things up for the other workers by, well, working, and thus making his fellow employees look bad. The film takes a big shot at unions — but also at management: they are manipulating white-collar thieves who'll do anything for a buck. Or a pound. Except for the ones, like Major Hitchcock, played by Terry Thomas, who are just plain lazy and inept. Needless to say, Stanley foils everybody's plans, labor and management alike, to my great joy and delight. Oh, and on top of everything else, Margaret Rutherford plays dotty dowager Aunt Dolly. Delicious!
The Big Lebowski:
What can you say that hasn't been said before: brilliant, inspired, with some of the most memorable lines ever to come out of a movie, the most quoted being "The Dude abides." Oh yes. For anyone who hasn't yet seen the film, and it's now out in a special Blu-Ray edition if that floats your bowling ball. The Dude in question, played to perfection by Jeff Bridges, is an out-of-work pothead who is roughed up and has his rug destroyed by some thugs mistaking him for another, bigger, Lebowski. The Dude is really upset about this because, man, "that rug really tied the room together," which The Dude says with all seriousness and not a trace of irony, a great comic touch considering the condition his condition is in. Oh, and besides "Just Dropped In," all the music is perfect for the film. The plot, according to Wikipedia, which has been known to be wrong, is "loosely based on Raymond chandler's novel, The Big Sleep." Could be. But who cares. It involves a bowling competition, "the occasional acid flashback," a trophy wife, a group of German nihilists, a kidnapping gone awry, a mad millionaire and his lackey, in another great performance by Philip Seymour Hoffman. Actually, they're all great performances. Never a fan of John Goodman before or since, he is brilliant in this film. And so are John Turturro, overacting his little heart out, Steve Buscemi in a nerdy, needy role that makes you marvel at his star turn in Boardwalk Empire, and even the actors in the smaller parts, especially Julianne Moore and Sam Elliott. Elliott plays The Stranger (God? Everyman? The part of us that roots for the bad boy?) who elicits from Bridges the immortal words, "The Dude abides." Which prompts The Stranger to comment to the audience: "Don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals." We'll never know about the bowling trophy because there's never been a sequel to this 1998 film by the great Coen Brothers, and I hope there never will be. It just abides, as all great films do.
Prince of the City:
Okay, the criticisms of this movie are not totally unfounded: it's too long, and Treat Williams may have overacted a bit, although I found him so deliciously charming I couldn't care less, and there's one part concerning the Jerry Orbach character I just didn't understand. But get over it, The New Yorker, this is one powerful movie. And yes, Dog Day Afternoon it isn't, but what it? The DVD has a great special feature with Williams (I so want to call him Treat) and Sidney (what the hell: I once made a meatloaf sandwich for the man) that explains a lot about filmmaking in general and this movie in particular. Also, Sidney's views on good and evil, and how things are not so black and white as you think. I loved it.
Bad Day At Black Rock:
Recommended on TCM by Robert Osbourne as a film he originally had no interest in seeing, then loved it, and by Alex Baldwin, who pointed out the great actors in the cast, including Lee Marvin, Ernest Brognine and Dean Jagger. Well, after all that, I had to like it, right? I did. A lot. It was a Good Day On My Couch.
Behind the Scenes Stuff: Spencer Tracey was off drinking and wouldn't commit to the film until the producers (who wanted him desperately) told him that they had Alan Ladd, at which point Tracey grabbed it. He was perfect for the part, wearing a dark suit and tie the entire time in a western setting, pulling it off perfectly. Other than that "fashion statement," the film makes a strong case against racism: the hatred of the Japanese during WW2. See it.
Song of The Thin Man:
I usually like these frothy, silly, suave, utter unrealistic films from the 30s and 40s, with William Powell and Myrna Loy as the couple we'd all like to be — if only we had the looks, brains, money, a huge capacity for drinking and a dog like Asta. But this one was a stinker, rather than a stinger, or maybe a sinker, because it turned out to be the last, not to mention the least, in the series. Watch any of the others four sequels, but not this one: Even the pooch jumped the shark.
The Children's Hour:
It had its moments, and just looking at Audrey Hepburn makes life worth living, but mostly I kept thinking that the play, by Lillian Hellman, was so much better. It's about two young women runing a school for girls, who are accused by a hateful little brat of being (GASP!) lesbians. And although the closest we get in this 1961 production to using that actual term is the word "unnatural," it's enough to ruin their lives. A young Shirley McClaine is worth seeing in this, and James Garner, and Audrey Hepburn is, well, Audrey Hepburn. The rumor of the love that dare not speak its name is totally untrue — or is it? And I'll say no more, because you should see the movie for yourself, imperfect as it may be, as is Life Itself.
by martinis alone,
I like this blog:
grapesandgreens.blogspot.com
BITTER PATTER
Click on:
Welcome To My Blog
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PAT'S FAVORITES
for a blast
from the past.
It's official: you can fall in love with an electronic device.
I read all about it in the Saturday Times: how some neuroscientists call it an addiction, others love, and most agree it's all too real. But let's face it, whatever you call it, I could have told you about the Apple thing long ago. Like drugs, you can't get enough. Like love, there's no logical explanation. Yes, your beloved looks cool, performs all kinds of interesting functions, is user-friendly, and is the envy of your friends. But it goes beyond that.
You might remember the Sad Mac episode of SATC when Carrie's computer crashed. Talk about Objectum sexual! There's a poignant scene with Carrie holding on tight to the computer she had wrapped in a pashmina (what else?) sitting in TekServe with Aden glumly by her side, he being the possible cause of the crash. As it turns out, Carrie loved her Mac more than her man, and she remained faithful to it, not him, throughout a series strewn with more discarded lovers than deleted emails.




Comments
Chief, go get that IPhone4S and while you're at it, get the IPad as well. Converting you, my anti-gadget curmudgeon, will surely make him smile.
WOW...he was quite a human!!
Thanks Pat!
And thanks for your comment.
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