Stubble Is Trouble
Written by Pat Fortunato   
Tuesday, 18 October 2011 09:30

JakeOscarsI hate this stubble thing.

At the Oscars and the other 38,000 award ceremonies, cute guys like Jake Gyllenhaal look like they've been marrooned on a desert island — for a very short time — then plunked into their tuxes before they had a chance to shave.

Am I the only one who doesn't like perpetual stubble?
Please say no.

All the stars are into it: they wear it like a badge of honor, and aren't truly cool if they're clean shaven. A beard is okay too, sort of. (There is a fine line here.) But a silky smooth and totally hairless face is so out.

We're talking about men, here.

I think we can safely say that women should always be stubble free. There are products for that, girlfriend. Or circus sideshows if you need employment. And even Angelina Jolie would lose some of her luster if she sported a five o'clock shadow.

STUBBLE ON STARS

Clooney2But it's obviously the in thing for Brad, not to mention Leonardo, Colin, Jude, Justin, Johnny, or the Georges: Nicholson or Clooney (who can do anything he wants). There must be a Hollywood hunk out there who uses a razor regularly, but I can't think of one. Can you?

Some men — mad or not — like dishy John Hamm, don't have to work at it. It's reported that Hamm can sprout stubble while the cameraman is changing the lenses.

But most men have to work hard to achieve the permanent stubble look. I always wondered how. And why. Because I. Just. Don't. Get. It. It looks dirty to me, and worse than that, it's neither here nor there. I like a man's face to be here, preferably, but I can live with there as well. I just like to know where I stand.

STUBBLE AS A FASHION STATEMENT

A prominent stylist is quoted in the New York Times as saying. "Stubble is always in fashion, especially now going into the colder months." Really? "Always?" Since when? How old is this stylist?

And hasn't he ever heard of the famous barroom ditty . . . 
BennyCream

It starts like this:

"I have a sad story to tell you
It may hurt your feelings a bit
Last night when I walked into my bathroom
I stepped in a big pile of . . .

 

Shhhhh . . . aving cream
Be nice and clean. . . .
Shave ev'ry day and you'll always look keen!

Then it continues with as many verses the singer can make up and the audience can take.

THE SHAVING CREAM SONG

WeirdAlShavingCreamThe song was written by Benny Bell in 1946, popularized by Dr. Demento in the 70s, and "covered" by no less than Weird Al Yankovic. Although innumerable versions are still sung drunkenly in saloons across the land, I guess no one believes the words any more.

Oh well. All things must pass, in the immortal words of George Harrision, the Bible, and my Aunt Loretta. And like it or not, clean cut is as dead as Benny Bell.  Keeping stubbly is where it's at.

Some guys achieve the stubble look by careful timing. They figure out which date is most important for them to look stylish on, then, unless they're Jon Hamm, they shave 2 or 3 days before the big event. But that's not all: they have to remember to clean around the edges because, as a stylist who works for Conair says, "Neck scrub is a no-no."

Wait a minute. Where did all these men's stylists come from? Is the male of the specials becoming as much a slave to fashion as women? And what's Conair got to do got to do with it?

STUBBLE TRIMMERS, ANYONE?

Conair manufactures stubble trimmers, not beard trimmers, designed to reduce facial hair to a mere shadow, but not get rid of it altogether. One product is called the I-Stubble.

I stubble, you stubble, we all stubble. Has Apple heard about this?

And if you don't care for Conair, there are other manufactures, like Wahl and Norelco with similar products. They seem to cost about $60 bucks or less, so it won't break the bank. But it takes time and thought to enter the world of stubbledom.

Because like many fashion trends, it's harder to look as if you're not trying than it does to look like you are. God forbid you should look too neat. Or "keen" even.

I still don't get it.

So I ask again, and I'm pleading here, folks: Am I the only one who finds this look cloying, annoying, and photo destroying?

Is it time for the clean cut to just quit
Or have we all stepped in a big bucket of . . .
SHAVING CREAM????

 

A great place to hear the Shaving Cream Song, and other standards and pop classics, is at the Cabaret Night on Sundays at Moonstruck in Asbury Park, NJ. Check for times and dates. And watch for a post here in the near future about the cabaret.

 
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Comments  

 
0 # Lucy 2011-10-20 09:30
I hate stubble! And you forgot to mention: it scratches!
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2011-10-20 09:32
I keep telling that to Brad and George . . .
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0 # Diana Giuseppone 2011-10-20 09:51
I'll take George Clooney wearing anything.
BTY, his new movie "Ides of March" is definitely worth seeing--especially during today's political climate.
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2011-10-20 10:37
Well, yes. "I'll take George Clooney wearing anything." Or nothing.
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0 # Gary Poole 2011-10-20 17:12
There are times for stubble and times when it's not. An early morning, before coffee, "delight" with stubble can be quite the way to start the day with your honey. After coffee, clean shaven is the way to go. Stubble after that just looks grubby. Who are these so-called fashion experts, anyway? Self-appointed, all of them!
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Bitter Patter

Friday the 13th 
Came and went.

I bought a lottery ticket 
And didn't win.  

Reread
 
THE 13th FLOOR
To remind myself how lucky I am.

WENT FISHING!

Well, eating fish anyway.
And swimming, although not with the fishes in the Uncle Nunzio sense.

Back from the Caribbean. 
But don't be TOO jealous:

My tan has already faded. 
Besdies, before we left, I had to go through 

THE ELEVEN STAGES OF PACKING
Which is not for sissies.

Just got a call from 
(Gasp!) the dental hygienist. 
Hasn't she read:

A DEVOUT COWARD 
GOES TO THE DENTIST

Do NOT Google Santorum.
I warned you . . .

 Just as I posted I WAS THE GIRL PHANTOM, I found a website called The Ghost Who Blogs about The Phantom comics:

http://falkonthewildside.blogspot.com

Writing Comics. . .
Was a small but wonderful part of my checkered career, and doing a post about it  brought back a lot of great memories. If you know any other women in NYC who wrote — or are writing — comics, tell me how to get in touch with them. 

I'm on a watching-old-movies kick these days.
Great way to lose yourself.
If you're lucky, you'll never be found. 

REVIEWS TO PERUSE

I'm All Right, Jack:
"Jack" is not just all right, it's totally delightful and fresh as a daisy after all these years (made in 1959), with Sellers, although not technically the lead, giving the brilliant performance that launched him as an international star. He plays an all-too-zealous union leader and father of a blonde bombshell who falls for Stanley, the British Upper Class Twit played, also to perfection, by Ian Carmichael, who you might remember from the Lord Peter Wimsey series. The makeout scenes between the the Twit and the Bombshell are priceless. But what is Stanley doing in this working class atmosphere anyway? Working. And too well at that. Forced by financial circumstances too dreary to discuss, he gets a job in his uncle's factory and messes things up for the other workers by, well, working, and thus making his fellow employees look bad. The film takes a big shot at unions — but also at management: they are manipulating white-collar thieves who'll do anything for a buck. Or a pound. Except for the ones, like Major Hitchcock, played by Terry Thomas, who are just plain lazy and inept. Needless to say, Stanley foils everybody's plans, labor and management alike, to my great joy and delight. Oh, and on top of everything else, Margaret Rutherford plays dotty dowager Aunt Dolly. Delicious!

 The Big Lebowski:
What can you say that hasn't been said before: brilliant, inspired, with some of the most memorable lines ever to come out of a movie, the most quoted being "The Dude abides." Oh yes. For anyone who hasn't yet seen the film, and it's now out in a special Blu-Ray edition if that floats your bowling ball. The Dude in question,  played to perfection by Jeff Bridges, is an out-of-work pothead who is roughed up and has his rug destroyed by some thugs mistaking him for another, bigger, Lebowski. The Dude is really upset about this because, man, "that rug really tied the room together," which The Dude says with all seriousness and not a trace of irony, a great comic touch considering the condition his condition is in.  Oh, and besides "Just Dropped In," all the music is perfect for the film. The plot, according to Wikipedia, which has been known to be wrong, is "loosely based on Raymond chandler's novel, The Big Sleep." Could be. But who cares. It involves a bowling competition, "the occasional acid flashback," a trophy wife, a group of German nihilists, a kidnapping gone awry, a mad millionaire and his lackey, in another great performance by Philip Seymour Hoffman. Actually, they're all great performances. Never a fan of John Goodman before or since, he is brilliant in this film. And so are John Turturro, overacting his little heart out, Steve Buscemi in a nerdy, needy role that makes you marvel at his star turn in Boardwalk Empire, and even the actors in the smaller parts, especially Julianne Moore and Sam Elliott. Elliott plays The Stranger (God? Everyman? The part of us that roots for the bad boy?) who elicits from Bridges the immortal words, "The Dude abides." Which prompts The Stranger to comment to the audience: "Don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals." We'll never know about the bowling trophy because there's never been a sequel to this 1998 film by the great Coen Brothers, and I hope there never will be. It just abides, as all great films do.

Prince of the City:
Okay, the criticisms of this movie are not totally unfounded: it's too long, and Treat Williams may have overacted a bit, although I found him so deliciously charming I couldn't care less, and there's one part concerning the Jerry Orbach character I just didn't understand. But get over it, The New Yorker, this is one powerful movie. And yes, Dog Day Afternoon it isn't, but what it? The DVD has a great special feature with Williams (I so want to call him Treat) and Sidney (what the hell: I once made a meatloaf sandwich for the man) that explains a lot about filmmaking in general and this movie in particular. Also, Sidney's views on good and evil, and how things are not so black and white as you think. I loved it.

Bad Day At Black Rock:
Recommended on TCM by Robert Osbourne as a film he originally had no interest in seeing, then loved it, and by Alex Baldwin, who pointed out the great actors in the cast, including Lee Marvin, Ernest Brognine and Dean Jagger. Well, after all that, I had to like it, right?  I did. A lot. It was a Good Day On My Couch.
Behind the Scenes Stuff: Spencer Tracey was off drinking and wouldn't commit to the film until the producers (who wanted him desperately) told him that they had Alan Ladd, at which point Tracey grabbed it.  He was perfect for the part, wearing a dark suit and tie the entire time in a western setting,  pulling it off perfectly. Other than that "fashion statement," the film makes a strong case against racism: the hatred of the Japanese during WW2. See it.

Song of The Thin Man:
I usually like these frothy, silly, suave, utter unrealistic films from the 30s and 40s, with William Powell and Myrna Loy as the couple we'd all like to be — if only we had the looks, brains, money, a huge capacity for drinking and a dog like Asta. But this one was a stinker, rather than a stinger, or maybe a sinker, because  it turned out to be the last, not to mention the least, in the series. Watch any of the others four sequels, but not this one: Even the pooch jumped the shark.

The Children's Hour:
It had its moments, and just looking at Audrey Hepburn makes life worth living, but mostly I kept thinking that the play, by Lillian Hellman, was so much better. It's about two young women runing a school for girls, who are accused by a hateful little brat of being (GASP!) lesbians. And although the closest we get in this 1961 production to using that actual term is the word "unnatural," it's enough to ruin their lives.  A young Shirley McClaine is worth seeing in this, and James Garner, and Audrey Hepburn is, well, Audrey Hepburn. The rumor of the love that dare not speak its name is totally untrue — or is it? And I'll say no more, because you should see the movie for yourself, imperfect as it may be, as is Life Itself.

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