Yikes! Those Bikes In New York City
Written by Pat Fortunato   
Tuesday, 20 September 2011 13:56

BikeRiderAre bikes a menace in our fair city?

The simple answer is yes — IF the bikers continue to flaunt the law and the law continues to ignore the flauntiness.

This has turned me into a Card-Carrying Crank. It is so not funny.

Yes, yes, biking in the city is a great idea in principle: it's healthier for the biker and greener for us all. But not so much for anyone the biker happens to hit.

How often does that happen? It depends on who's talking. Biking advocates say that most of the accidents are with bikers and other vehicles, not so good for the bikers, but keeping pedestrians out of harm's way. Besides, it's a win-win situation for everyone if bikers follow the rules.

Herein lies the rub.

They DON'T.

STOP!  FLAUNTING THE BIKE LAWS!

TrafficLightCome on, people, admit it. If you're a biker, you probably don't stop at every light because it's annoying, like when you're driving a car. But every time you don't, you risk hitting people like me who step off the curb in all innocence thinking we're safe.

We're not.

The other day a rather large guy on a very fast bike talking on his cell and not even looking at the stop light whizzed on by, oblivious that he had nearly hit me, and worse yet, never hearing the choice four letter words I was shouting in his direction. The other pedestrians cheered. A lot of good that did.

It gets worse . . .

Bikers don't just ignore lights, they ride against traffic and even on the sidewalk. True, not many of them do that, but one is enough to ruin my day.

BIKE SHARING PROGRAM — OR PROBLEM?

BikeShare23All this hasn't gone unnoticed by the press. The Post, taking a swing at Bloomberg (they love to do this) asked the musicial question, "What's with the mayor and bicycles, anyway?"

They were referring to the proposed bike sharing plan (shown here in London) where bikers will be able to rent a bike at one point in the city and drop it off at another. Again, a good idea. Except that it could increase the biking population by 10,000 and you can bet your 10 speed that a lot of them won't follow the rules either.

Bikes: good. Running red lights: bad

An agent once tried to get me to buy life insurance by pointing out that although I was young and healthy (and I was once), what if I got hit by a bus? These days, the odds are better that it'd be a bike.

DON'T BE A JERK!

There's even a TV ad campaign, mercifully not as gruesome and cringe-worthy as the anti-smoking spots, called Don't Be A Jerk, urging bikers to follow the law. (I think I spotted Mario Batali, the great restaurateur in one of them, not being a jerk. Way to go, Mario.)

As we all know, the official word for jerks on the highway is "Asshole." Now it seems that we're being told to call the assholes on bikes "Jerks." Far too mild. We need a word to scream out to these scofflaws on wheels when they're flaunting the law.

Flaunter? Nah, too sissyish.

Moron? So not politically correct.

Terrorist? Even worse. Well, yes, they do terrorize, but saying this is Going. Too. Far.

I resorted to the basic on-the-road expletive the other day on 34th street when a cyclist shouted to someone to watch where they were going. The nerve! "Watch it yourself, Asshole," I screamed back, without stopping to think. Heads turned, including that of the biker, but I doubt that it had any impact at all on that . . . jerk.

CITIZEN'S ARREST!

The only thing that will help is if New York's Finest would start giving stiff fines for running lights, going against the traffic, and zipping along the sidewalks.

BarneyJail.ppgEven better: give us Certified Cranks the right to make citizen's arrests. I've always wanted to do that since that episode of the Andy Griffin show when Gomer Pyle yells out "Citizen's Arrest! Citizen's Arrest! (sit-a-SENS Ah-RAY-est!)" and Barney Fife, humiliated, locks himself in a jail cell. Check it out on YouTube. You can find anything there.

But to make an actual citizen's arrest, bikers would have to have license plates, an idea floating around out there, and one whose time has come. Until it does, let's at least yell at the offenders and make them aware that we're aware they're breaking the law. Use any expletive, in any language, that you feel comfortable with. But don't just stand there and take it.

Bicycle cranks of the world, unite!
You have nothing to lose but your chains.

 
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Comments  

 
0 # Nancy Lombardi 2011-09-22 07:58
I completely agree with you! Bikers should be forced to follow the rules like any other vehicle. I think this city is wasting its time and money pushing more people to do the politically correct thing and bike everywhere. Don't even get me started on the waste of space 'bike lanes' which shift parking spaces to the middle of the street. It's nonsense. The city is disrupting countless drivers for the 5 people who may bike to work.
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2011-09-22 08:15
Yes! I hate those weird bike lanes! They're causing a lot of confusion.
I'd love to see less traffic, but so far this ain't working.
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0 # Alex 2011-09-22 09:09
Yes, you have bravely stated a truth long kept silent in the media (not sexy enough I guess), and only uttered between clenched teeth by people too stressed or timid to express their disdain -- as eloquently as you.
But I must admit, I have trouble seeing La Policia answering the call to arms (figuratively speaking) unless there is some monetary gain involved. Perhaps pushing for Bad Biker Fines is the best way to go. Time will tell.
As for some appropriate words to shout in the meantime ... Hmmmmm? Perhaps combining Biker with something like ... Flaunters. That would give you Flikers -- which sounds close enough to an expletive and thus is appropriate for those who might not be as ... daring as you. :O)
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2011-09-22 09:15
Big fines! That's the only thing that will stop those Flikers!
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0 # Diana 2011-09-22 09:52
Not to mention the trucks that have to park in the middle of the avenues because of those blasted bike lanes!!!I can't wait for the next election. The candidate who runs on a strong anti-bicycle platform gets my vote. I'm ready with a can of spray paint to cover the offending lane in front of my building.
BTW, I believe "asshole" is an official driving term used in the manual.
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2011-09-22 10:25
True, Asshole is the official term. But I like Alex's idea of Fliker, too. I actually gave a lecture to a biker the other day, but he didn't speak English. Bet he would have understood Fliker. Or, Asshole.
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0 # Leonard Herbst 2011-09-27 12:08
As a native New Yorker who bikes throughout the City, its a simple solution that takes political courage to enact. Increase the fines for violations of all assholes running lights, ignoring walkers, going against traffic, cabs that swing from one side of the road to another customer & cabs that totally disregard the safety of bikers on the city street. Good luck
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0 # Pat Fortunato 2011-09-27 12:28
Political courage? And we are going to find this where? But of course, you're right on — and about the cabs, too. I'm thinking of carrying a 2-sided sign for the bikers: "Asshole" on one side, and "Thank You" on the other side. Some bikers, like you, actually do follow the rules.
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Bitter Patter

Friday the 13th 
Came and went.

I bought a lottery ticket 
And didn't win.  

Reread
 
THE 13th FLOOR
To remind myself how lucky I am.

WENT FISHING!

Well, eating fish anyway.
And swimming, although not with the fishes in the Uncle Nunzio sense.

Back from the Caribbean. 
But don't be TOO jealous:

My tan has already faded. 
Besdies, before we left, I had to go through 

THE ELEVEN STAGES OF PACKING
Which is not for sissies.

Just got a call from 
(Gasp!) the dental hygienist. 
Hasn't she read:

A DEVOUT COWARD 
GOES TO THE DENTIST

Do NOT Google Santorum.
I warned you . . .

 Just as I posted I WAS THE GIRL PHANTOM, I found a website called The Ghost Who Blogs about The Phantom comics:

http://falkonthewildside.blogspot.com

Writing Comics. . .
Was a small but wonderful part of my checkered career, and doing a post about it  brought back a lot of great memories. If you know any other women in NYC who wrote — or are writing — comics, tell me how to get in touch with them. 

I'm on a watching-old-movies kick these days.
Great way to lose yourself.
If you're lucky, you'll never be found. 

REVIEWS TO PERUSE

I'm All Right, Jack:
"Jack" is not just all right, it's totally delightful and fresh as a daisy after all these years (made in 1959), with Sellers, although not technically the lead, giving the brilliant performance that launched him as an international star. He plays an all-too-zealous union leader and father of a blonde bombshell who falls for Stanley, the British Upper Class Twit played, also to perfection, by Ian Carmichael, who you might remember from the Lord Peter Wimsey series. The makeout scenes between the the Twit and the Bombshell are priceless. But what is Stanley doing in this working class atmosphere anyway? Working. And too well at that. Forced by financial circumstances too dreary to discuss, he gets a job in his uncle's factory and messes things up for the other workers by, well, working, and thus making his fellow employees look bad. The film takes a big shot at unions — but also at management: they are manipulating white-collar thieves who'll do anything for a buck. Or a pound. Except for the ones, like Major Hitchcock, played by Terry Thomas, who are just plain lazy and inept. Needless to say, Stanley foils everybody's plans, labor and management alike, to my great joy and delight. Oh, and on top of everything else, Margaret Rutherford plays dotty dowager Aunt Dolly. Delicious!

 The Big Lebowski:
What can you say that hasn't been said before: brilliant, inspired, with some of the most memorable lines ever to come out of a movie, the most quoted being "The Dude abides." Oh yes. For anyone who hasn't yet seen the film, and it's now out in a special Blu-Ray edition if that floats your bowling ball. The Dude in question,  played to perfection by Jeff Bridges, is an out-of-work pothead who is roughed up and has his rug destroyed by some thugs mistaking him for another, bigger, Lebowski. The Dude is really upset about this because, man, "that rug really tied the room together," which The Dude says with all seriousness and not a trace of irony, a great comic touch considering the condition his condition is in.  Oh, and besides "Just Dropped In," all the music is perfect for the film. The plot, according to Wikipedia, which has been known to be wrong, is "loosely based on Raymond chandler's novel, The Big Sleep." Could be. But who cares. It involves a bowling competition, "the occasional acid flashback," a trophy wife, a group of German nihilists, a kidnapping gone awry, a mad millionaire and his lackey, in another great performance by Philip Seymour Hoffman. Actually, they're all great performances. Never a fan of John Goodman before or since, he is brilliant in this film. And so are John Turturro, overacting his little heart out, Steve Buscemi in a nerdy, needy role that makes you marvel at his star turn in Boardwalk Empire, and even the actors in the smaller parts, especially Julianne Moore and Sam Elliott. Elliott plays The Stranger (God? Everyman? The part of us that roots for the bad boy?) who elicits from Bridges the immortal words, "The Dude abides." Which prompts The Stranger to comment to the audience: "Don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals." We'll never know about the bowling trophy because there's never been a sequel to this 1998 film by the great Coen Brothers, and I hope there never will be. It just abides, as all great films do.

Prince of the City:
Okay, the criticisms of this movie are not totally unfounded: it's too long, and Treat Williams may have overacted a bit, although I found him so deliciously charming I couldn't care less, and there's one part concerning the Jerry Orbach character I just didn't understand. But get over it, The New Yorker, this is one powerful movie. And yes, Dog Day Afternoon it isn't, but what it? The DVD has a great special feature with Williams (I so want to call him Treat) and Sidney (what the hell: I once made a meatloaf sandwich for the man) that explains a lot about filmmaking in general and this movie in particular. Also, Sidney's views on good and evil, and how things are not so black and white as you think. I loved it.

Bad Day At Black Rock:
Recommended on TCM by Robert Osbourne as a film he originally had no interest in seeing, then loved it, and by Alex Baldwin, who pointed out the great actors in the cast, including Lee Marvin, Ernest Brognine and Dean Jagger. Well, after all that, I had to like it, right?  I did. A lot. It was a Good Day On My Couch.
Behind the Scenes Stuff: Spencer Tracey was off drinking and wouldn't commit to the film until the producers (who wanted him desperately) told him that they had Alan Ladd, at which point Tracey grabbed it.  He was perfect for the part, wearing a dark suit and tie the entire time in a western setting,  pulling it off perfectly. Other than that "fashion statement," the film makes a strong case against racism: the hatred of the Japanese during WW2. See it.

Song of The Thin Man:
I usually like these frothy, silly, suave, utter unrealistic films from the 30s and 40s, with William Powell and Myrna Loy as the couple we'd all like to be — if only we had the looks, brains, money, a huge capacity for drinking and a dog like Asta. But this one was a stinker, rather than a stinger, or maybe a sinker, because  it turned out to be the last, not to mention the least, in the series. Watch any of the others four sequels, but not this one: Even the pooch jumped the shark.

The Children's Hour:
It had its moments, and just looking at Audrey Hepburn makes life worth living, but mostly I kept thinking that the play, by Lillian Hellman, was so much better. It's about two young women runing a school for girls, who are accused by a hateful little brat of being (GASP!) lesbians. And although the closest we get in this 1961 production to using that actual term is the word "unnatural," it's enough to ruin their lives.  A young Shirley McClaine is worth seeing in this, and James Garner, and Audrey Hepburn is, well, Audrey Hepburn. The rumor of the love that dare not speak its name is totally untrue — or is it? And I'll say no more, because you should see the movie for yourself, imperfect as it may be, as is Life Itself.

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