Bitter Patter

AFTER A MONTH OF RERUNS

(YOU KNOW YOU LOVED THEM)
A NEW SEASON
BEGINS WITH
IS FACEBOOK DEAD?

AND CONTINUES WITH
SUPERMAN:
COOL OR CRUEL

FREE ADVICE
FOR FRESHMAN

BUT YOU CAN STILL CATCH
THE RERUNS:
THE ELEVEN STAGES
OF PACKING
AKA:I'm Packin'

BRING COLACE!
AKA: Trouble in Paradise

CIAO, BABY!
AKA:Oh, You're Supposed To Toss COINS!

FABULOUS FOURTH
AKA:Fireworks 'R Us

Meanwhile . . .
ARE YOU SMARTER
THAN BETTY WHITE?

We're on YouTube!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HvaxQfQgto0

Attn: Oliver Clark
Check out
The 13th Floor

WHAT'SWITH
"THE WEIGHT?"
Click the link on the post to see TheBand on YouTube

One-word
Movie Reviews
Past & Present:

The Kids Are All Right: "Alright!"
Despicable Me: "Delightful"
The Secret In Their Eyes: "Wow!"
SATC2: "(What) City?"
Crazy Heart: "Heartwarming"
Up!: "Uplifting!"
Hurt Locker: "Nerve-wracking"
The White Ribbon: "Brilliant"
Precious: "Semi"
Ghost Writer: "Engrossing"
A Single Man: "Poignant"
Julie & Julia: "Delicious!"
It's Complicated: "Scumptious!"
Whatever Works: "Doesn't"

Because when I am not blogging, I sometimes cook,
and because woman does not live
by martinis alone,
I like this blog:
grapesandgreens.blogspot.com

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click on:
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Pat's Favorites

The Letter You Can't Refuse
FIREWORKS 'R US
Nothing Is Simple: Wedding Bell Blues
Decorating Disaster: It's Curtains For Me!
MY LIFE ON POST-ITS
My Night At The Pussy Cat Lounge
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Oh! You're Supposed To Toss COINS!
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I've Lost It! (AKA Law and Disorder)

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2010

Princess And Proud Of It

Written by Pat Fortunato

You think you do -— but you really don't know what a princess is.

Yes, a princess is fussy, needs frequent manicures, likes cute cocktail napkins, and never, ever takes the first seat she's offered in a restaurant.

But a true princess is also the one who leads the charge (usually metaphorically) when her kingdom is in peril. A princess takes care of her peeps. In style.

Let's say you have to spend a few days in the hospital or go for one of those fun medical procedures where you need a companion. Sorry, but it happens. In these cases, always, repeat always, choose a princess.

A princess will make sure that everyone is paying attention to you (they better!) and will not be pushed around by anyone in authority. She's a princess, man, no bureaucrat can possibly intimidate her. She's also good at getting you a cab or a car to get you home in comfort. (She probably won't drive, but will hold your hand.) She'll make sure that your meal is more or less edible and that you get that extra juice you ordered. She'll get you a blanket if you're cold or more pain meds if you need them.

She doesn't like to be inconvenienced, hungry, cold, or in pain, and she'll figure out the easiest, least esthetically-challenged way to make sure you aren't, either.

On the other hand, the absolute worst possible person to help you out in situations like this is a true stoic. This grin-and-bear-it type will simply, well, grin and bear it, because that's what this person does. A little pain, a long wait, a meal from hell: would this person make a fuss? No way. The princess? Way. All the way . . .

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A FREE RIDE

Written by Pat Fortunato

"For free, take; for buy, waste time."

So said Arthur Godfrey, a popular TV show personality back in the 50s and the inspiration for the ego-maniacal "Lonesome" Rhodes (Andy Griffith) in the classic film A Face in the Crowd. And while the wisdom of "The Old Redhead" is more than questionable (the man played the ukulele, for starters), he really nailed this one.

In a controlled study (wouldn't you like to see, just once, an uncontrolled study?), people were given a choice between two products, one clearly superior to the other but more expensive by 25 cents. El Cheapo was 10 cents, Brand Better was 35 cents. Happy to part with their hard-earned quarters, people sprang for Better.

But then . . . both products were reduced by 10 cents. Brand Better was cheaper than before, but El Cheapo was cheaper than cheap: it was FREE! Guess what happened. Yup. Just about everyone took the freebie — and I'm guessing you would too. We all take things we don't want, don't need, and can't even think of anyone to give them to, just because they're free.

Then there's a free ride: a glitch in my Metro Card last month caused the turnstiles on New York City busses to read ERROR and the drivers would just wave me through. The card hadn't expired, and I had paid for it, so I wasn't trying to travel for nothing. But hey, for free . . . I took. After a while, drivers started giving me dirty looks.

Passengers, too. They thought I was one of those freeloaders who never seem to pay for anything. Uncomfortable with this kind of attention and starting to feel a little guilty around the edges, I got a new card and I'm back to being a law-abiding, pay-for-the-bus kind of gal.

Champagne Tastes . . .
But all this reminded me of a time, way back, when I fell in briefly with a group of semi-professional freeloaders. (I was young and needed the caviar.) I met one of them at a party at the Russian Embassy, where the champagne was as free as the Crosstown bus.

And that wasn't all . . .

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What's With "THE WEIGHT?"

Written by Pat Fortunato

Nobody doesn't like that song "The Weight" by The Band. It's #41 on Rolling Stone's Greatest Songs of All Time List, my Top Ten.

Of course, I have no idea what it means.

But after a week stuck at home with a rotten cold, and really sick of Oprah, Dr. Phil, and Judge Judy, I decided to do something meaningful with my life: go online and uncover the meaning of The Weight.

So here goes:

I pulled into Nazareth, I was feelin' about half past dead;
I just need some place where I can lay my head.
Hey, mister, can you tell me where a man might find a bed?"
He just grinned and shook my hand, and "No!", was all he said.

Are you with me, so far? I always thought that Nazareth was Biblical, but according to Wikipedia, it's a town in Pennsylvania. Go figure. Anyway, it's clear that the traveler is tired and looking for a place to stay. "Half-past dead." How brilliant is that.

And then comes the famous chorus, where the plot thickens. . .

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The Mess On My Desk

Written by Pat Fortunato

I have this mountain of work piled up on my desk, but my horoscope says:
"Sit back and watch the world go by today." Hmm. As an Aquarius, I tend to take these things seriously. So what's a girl to do?

The horoscope adds that even though the sun is about to leave my birth sign (oh no!), I should not try to "cram in as much extra work as possible over the next 24 hours." Phew! I don't have to? What a relief!

The thing is that a) the horoscope was from last week, but I like it so much I'm going to make it my NEW OFFICIAL HOROSCOPE FOREVER: NOHOPE4EVR. And b) it's not that I'm trying to cram in work, it's just that, duh, there's too damn much of it.

I don't work full time these days, yet my desk is in worse shape than when I was running a business. How is that even possible?

Of course, back then I had people. When my desk was a mess, I called in the troops and distributed things. They really loved me for that. Some of the stuff would end up back on my desk, but if I waited long enough, it was Too Late to do anything about it.

Still happens. Announcements of openings long past, the special deals on plays with deadlines months ago, the chance to save 70% or more at Lord & Taylor, February 18-20 only! Whoops.

But some things just won't go away. There are medical appointments to make, break, and reschedule. My primary care doctor used to be my one and only: we went steady for years. Of course, I two-timed him with the gynecologist . . .

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The 13th Floor

Written by Pat Fortunato

Every writer has a "bad story" story. This is mine.

Back in the day, I co-wrote, along with a friend as misguided as I, an unsolicited script for a radio show. We called it The 13^th Floor, and since we didn't know what we were doing, the title was probably the best thing about it.

We were young and we needed the money.

My friend Mary & I, who collaborated on this brilliant piece of literature (NOT), both had small apartments in the same building. How small were they, Johnny?

•They were so small that if you put them together, they might form a good-sized broom closet.
•They were so small that you had to go outside to close the door. That's an old joke, and no, I don't get it either. Just trust me, these apartments weren't spacious.

Anyway, we wrote this play for a new show that was trying to bring back radio drama. It didn't work: the show or the play. But miracle of miracles, the producer actually bought our script for the incredible sum of $200 ($100 clams each!) for all rights. All right!

When we heard the news, we whooped and hollered and rolled around on the floor, although you couldn't do all that much rolling on a rug that was more like a bath mat. Still, we were as happy as too unpublished writers who were about to be published could possibly be.

And then (dramatic organ music here) tragedy struck . . .

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Princess And Proud Of It

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What's With "THE WEIGHT?"

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