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FABULOUS FOURTH
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May

2009

Petites Are NOT Skinny Bitches!

Written by Pat Fortunato

Ladies of the View, listen up. You said that stores are catering more and more to small women, AKA “skinny bitches,” and are phasing out bigger sizes.

Oh yeah? Well, first of all, smaller women, AKA petites, are not all “skinny bitches!” Maybe you have us confused with the size 0’s in Juicy Couture: but that’s not what being small means to most of us. Petite sizes go up to 14, so we’re not necessarily thin, just, you know, not very tall. Okay, short. Or my personal favorite, Vertically Challenged.

Whatever you call us, we’re mad as hell at department stores
After I heard on the View that small sizes were in, I went directly to Saks, the only rational thing for a girl to do. But not so fast, Shorty! The space on the 9th floor that used to be the Petite Department is now Plus Sizes. I realize that larger ladies deserve their own place to shop, but isn’t there room for us petites? A little room? We don’t take up very much space.

And yet, Petite Departments all over are closing faster than you can bing Behar or Walters, “bing” being the new google, in case anyone wants to know.

And even if you're not petite yourself, surely you know and love someone who is tiny. Someone who — before the advent of Petite Departments — had a very deep and meaningful relationship with her tailor, when she much preferred that cute guy in Human Resources.

The thing about tailors is . . .

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Is Archie Marrying For Money?

Written by Pat Fortunato

After nearly 70 years of noncomittment (an impressive record even for an American male), Archie Andrews finally chose between the two cartoon characters in his life, Betty Cooper and Veronica Lodge. Fortunately, he is a cartoon character himself, or this would be a truly weird story. But Archie's picking Veronica over Betty took many of us by surprise, and inquiring minds want to know what's up. We wonder if it might have anything to do with Veronica's millions.
I have a personal interest in all of this . . .

When I was in book publishing, my partner (a blonde) and I (a natural brunette) were known as Betty & Veronica. The great comic artist Dan De Carlo, who drew many of the Archie Comics, autographed this drawing of “us,” which we proudly displayed in our office.

Then, when the business was sold, I grabbed the picture (being Veronica, and all), and it now hangs in my den, a few feet away from where I’m sitting. When someone visited the other day, I pointed it out, but instead of being suitably impressed, he wanted to know if I was the “bad” one. The brunette, you see, is never the "good" one. . .

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My Shoe Story: Why Size Matters

Written by Pat Fortunato

I almost didn’t post anything today, because I’ve been too busy shopping on line for shoes. Why would

someone with more shoes than Imelda Marcos need more? If you’re a woman, I don’t have to explain. But why would someone in Manhattan, the home of Shoe Mania, literally, use the Internet for shoes? Two words (and a fraction): 6½ Narrow.

Yes, there are size 6½ shoes out there, and yes, Virginia, there are narrow widths (is that an oxymoron?), but rarely, if ever, do they occur in the same shoe. Almost never in styles that you'd actually want to wear. A recent visit to E-Bay (I was truly desperate) produced hundreds of shoes, but exactly one in 6½N. A lizard-like number in a pink, green, and yellow pattern. Just what I needed!

What I need are the shoes that every other woman in New York seems to have: easygoing black slides, sandals and sling backs, colorful flats. What I have is a closetful of not-quite-right or downright awful shoes purchased in desperation. Plus a handful (footful?) of real winners, worn to a pulp, which will never be thrown out in my lifetime. Ironic, isn’t it, that someone who has so much trouble finding shoes has so many. But life is nothing if not ironic, don't you think . . .

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Madame Ovary . . . Is Me!

Written by Pat Fortunato

My alleged book club (we are a hard group to get on the same page) is reading Madame Bovary. Or trying to. Geez Louise, it’s dense! FYI, the name of our little group is the Geez Louise International Book Club, or GLIB. We do have a Louise, and we once had an international member, but she has returned to Italy. Was it something we read?

Anyway, the author Gustave Flaubert was constantly asked the question, Who is Madame Bovary? Was she based on a real person —his sometime mistress, perhaps? A totally fictional character —his less-than ideal woman? Mais non, he said, she is none of these! Pressed beyond endurance, he gave his infamous answer: Madame Bovary, c’est moi.

It’s me? I mean, it’s him? Really? Nobody seems to know what that means: Does Emma represent everyman, er, woman? (He can't have meant it literally, could he?) Maybe it doesn't mean anything: he must have been sick and tired of discussing that book when all his others were being virtually ignored, and could have just said something to shut us all up. We’ll never know. But I was listening to a tape last night about the world’s greatest novels (Sorry, Gustave, but Bovary really was your best shot), which discussed Emma’s faults — her fatal flaws, actually — that led directly to her really nasty downfall.

Unfortunately, her sins sound very familiar. A lot like mine. Yikes! And maybe like yours . . .

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You Know You Love Gossip Girl

Written by Pat Fortunato

See you in September . . .
Or, on August 31, if you believe the press releases. That’s when Gossip Girl returns after its summer vacation. But wait! There’s one more episode this season, and you don’t want to miss it —not if you expect to communicate with anyone under the age of Modern Maturity (or whatever that AARP publication is calling itself these days).

“Is it weird that I completely cherish Gossip Girl?”

NO! NO! Gotham Girl (my sometime pen name) did not say that! “Cherish” is a bit much, even for me. That quote is from a fan on one of the many on-line sites devoted (pun intended) to the series. Just Google the show, or any of the actors. (You do that to everything else anyway.) You’ll find bios of the stars, synopses of the shows, predictions, goodies to buy, film clips to view, and, of course, gossip, gossip, gossip . . .

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Petites Are NOT Skinny Bitches!

Is Archie Marrying For Money?

My Shoe Story: Why Size Matters

Madame Ovary . . . Is Me!

You Know You Love Gossip Girl